FIRST LOVE
The next day
Hiraeth
I slowly fluttered open my eyes and felt a slight headache coursing through my forehead nervously. I yawned and fully opened my eyes as I saw the regular melon-creamed white ceiling. With the usual slowly regulated ceiling fan, I yawned again as I felt myself sweating so much, I felt myself quieter than yesterday. Then the ecstatic memories of yesterday came into my vision, warmth crept on my cheeks, as I felt myself getting tinted with the shade red. I closed my eyes feeling giddy all over my veins, my insides would soon churn together at the thought of Tristan taking care of me. He took care of me... I could cry. I breathed heavily because the feeling was so overwhelming, I was getting full, I bit my lips closing my eyes thinking about how his warmth felt against me, how tight his hold was, how serene his concern-filled breathing was which brushed against my cheeks last night, how his sun eyes were capturing the raw me yet it was making me feel the most beautiful in someone's eyes, as if I was acknowledged after years, I was comforted and embraced after ages. My insides will shatter and remember at one point in my life I was craving the touches of someone I could belong to. I felt like I belonged to a person last night and the person I always wanted, is this possible, falling in love with someone looking just at the television but being taken care of by that same boy? I feel unconditionally miserable. Miserable for falling asleep on him, I should have said thank you, I need to thank him for so many things, how touches never made me feel uncomfortable, how his eyes were filled with softness and care for me, how his eyes worry for me, how his eyes light up my whole world, how the kiss was the only precious thing happened to me in decades I guess. A girl like me got abandoned by so many, and never really knew I could find someone this delicate and complicated of a man to love. I never knew when he would get bored of me like his other girls. I am not the only one I know. Maybe I am the different one but do the same things I don't know if you call me available. I did. I made myself available for me. I want to be loved; I want to be loved by him. I want to know how it is to be loved by him. What's it like to be his lover? I think he would continue those things with other girls, I shouldn't stop him because what if he thinks I am one of those and not any different, what if it is a myth of his, a gentle attraction but he said he never let those girls enter in his studio, but that night we kissed in his studio. He let me. I don't know if he took care of me last night just to get me in bed. I don't trust him, but I want him, all the broken pieces, all the puzzle pieces. All the miserable him, all his wounds and all his smiles, all his joy. I want him. It is very selfish, but after loving him from afar I can't control myself anymore. I want to hold him now and then. He ignites a fire in me that I can never understand how it induces in the first place. His lights are everywhere near me. I moved the duvet from my feet as I got up walking straight to the kitchen, he might have seen how there were no groceries. I am very embarrassed, last month's salary was wholly invented in that production house I am trying to work with. I want to be a writer by the grace of the mercy of that production company. I had to submit a portion of my manuscript and along with it a huge amount of money, THE LABEL didn't know I was trying to work with them until I was moving to the production company. Until I successfully published the book and then had a stable financial situation. I went ahead and saw two sacks there lying on the kitchen counter. I walked over there and saw inside included groceries, there were so many groceries, it would be more than enough for 2 months. I felt myself tearing up. I can't take this. This is too much, he didn't have to. A thought crept inside my head what if he is giving me all these just to get me to his bed? Shush Hiraeth, what do you think he is different from me? He could have taken my advantage yesterday but he didn't. The kisses on my cheeks and forehead were still tingling. I felt myself getting fluttered by the mere thought. But what if it is all a myth, what if it isn't what I see?
I should have gone to him but it was broad daylight, he must have left for the interview. I heard a knock on my door, my heart beat started beating fast. I felt fire streaks creating fireworks inside.
I ran to open the door, I saw sun eyes peeking through the door when I finally opened it. I don't remember when I smiled that much in life. I felt like I was alive, I felt so much that I couldn't describe. My cheeks might be flushed red and I want to bury myself somewhere. Why am I this excited to see him? I looked down, hiding my flared cheeks
"Darling, come here" I heard him say, his voice thin. I might faint
I looked back at his Bambi sun eyes, sun rays lighting my whole self. I could cry. I leaned forward and his palm checked the temperature of my forehead. His touch was soft and gentle. He was mesmerizing. His eyes never really showed emotion but eventually, it turned soft and I felt his frown on the forehead cleared out. He kissed my forehead, attaching it afterward with his. He inhaled sharply saying
"I got scared"
I want to kiss him, I want to kiss him now, I want to kiss him tomorrow. I want to kiss him every day. I pulled him closer as his laughter mixed with teasing reached my ears. I bit my lips as he looked at my lips. His eyes magically brighter than anything stayed on mine saying
"Impatient aren't we?"
His words were filled with mock, I looked down smiling and blushing as ever. He held my chin and left his lips to mine, placed his pillowy ones to my dried ones, his cheeks brushed with mine, his fragrance musky and vanilla. I am addicted to his scent. His nose rubbed mine as he tilted his head to capture my mouth in his way, it was a strong way, a rough way as if he couldn't get enough of me. His hands were on my waist as I guided us into my small living room. He kissed me until he was satisfied, fulfilled to the brim of me. His eyes were hooded and soft at the same time. He again rested his forehead against mine as my hands which were on his neck trickled his backside hair, his hair was golden brown, he was beautiful, he was beautiful. My hands tangled with his hair as he kissed me again, authorizing the skin as ever, marking me. My entire body felt tingly and my toe curled in desire. He inhaled my breaths after pulling away, he kissed my cheeks and said
"Have you taken anything since morning"
I shook my head which I now rested in his chest, his heart was drumming against his ribcage. I rested my hand on his heart and he kept looking at me. He held my hand, interlacing our fingers, kissing it afterward.
"That's very bad love, you need to have something and then take the medicines."
He kissed my forehead and went to the kitchen leaving me dumbstruck. Love who? What the hell? Love who? Me. oh god. My heartbeat is going berserk. After ages, I felt this much giddy with happiness.
I went to the kitchen and saw him preparing the instant soup that I had last night. He was wearing a tracksuit, he must come from his early morning gym
"Where were you last night after you left my room"
I asked out of nowhere and felt him freezing. Shit I shouldn't have asked this personal question
"I was in my studio"
I nodded and he kept looking a the boiling pot
I don't know what we should talk about. I am very new to these things.
"So you are working on your new album"
He looked at me and those tensed shoulders relaxed and his sun eyes were back to shining. He loves his music. I must say
The "I am, the theme is adjusting to new feelings which must be very different because we never feel like this, acknowledging something like the word can be meaningful and what impacts these meanings have on our lives. It's about first love"
He said looking at me with those eyes explaining something familiar but I doubt he can fall in love with me in a month. I am sure when he said he looked at me stalking him, that meant he was looking at my acts. I felt giddy all over again. He captured my waist and I got back into reality. I looked at him so close to me, his nose brushing mine almost twice a second, he carried me by holding my hip and I squealed. He placed it on top of the kitchen counter and fed me the soup after blowing a little. I noticed how his moles were so prominent, how his cheeks were brightened with nothing but glow. How smooth and silky someone's skin can be. His skin is glazed without honey, he is a pearl without any tint given to it. He was a rare jewel. His eyes looked at me as I again was caught staring at him
"Staring at me too much huh"
He said and a smirk rested on his lips, not that evil one but the one where you feel butterflies all over. His hands gripped my neck as he leaned forward to rest his face on my neck removing his hands. I combed his hair as he inhaled my scent. I don't think I smell anything.
"I need to go, hmm? I have practice. If you are doing well, can you come to my studio to watch me, just to watch me i swear"
I was about to nod, hearing his convincing voice. I heard a ding come from his phone, I turned my head and a message popped up on his lock screen. I didn't get time to see his lockscreen which was of some dog. The message was
"Thanks for visiting last night Kim, I hope I satisfied you"
My heart stopped, and I gently pushed his arms which were caging me, I looked down and felt disappointment entering my body. He lied to me. I thought after me it would be different. We shouldn't trust celebrities, especially idols. My smile faded and returned with a straight line. I don't know what I felt, distress, agony, or maybe a little bit of pain. But it's alright, it's just I thought this could be something else. I need to gently reject the offer. And maintain my distance. I can't lose my sanity to someone who needs more girls.
"Tristan, I think I am not the girl for you. Maybe I am not really in that zone to fall in the criteria for you. I am sorry"
I looked down again because I couldn't see a slight sharp pain reflecting in his orbs. His arms fell from both of my sides to the air surrounding us.
"It was nothing Hiraeth...we didn't"
His voice filled with terror. He was extremely terrified. As if he did something. We weren't anything anyway. At Least in his case.
"It's alright Tristan, I think you should go"
I finally looked at his eyes and they were filled with fear and extreme grief. He might collapse soon. I can't watch it. I got down from the kitchen counter and left to open the door. He came behind me silently. This is the thing I hate if it wasn't anything then why wasn't he verbal? Why didn't he say anything after
"Hiraeth, listen to me, it wasn't anything. It meant nothing. I was really worried for you"
I finally lose my control
"YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT ME AND YET YOU WENT TO FUCK AROUND. Tristan PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE THIS AIN'T ME. I AM NOT LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS IN THIS LABEL. I CAN'T CONTINUE THIS, I CAN'T SLEEP WITH YOU, GET THAT INSIDE YOUR HEAD. I AM NOT ANY KIND OF A SLUT WHO JUST JUMPS INTO GUYS, I AM SORRY IF I GAVE YOU THE WRONG IMPRESSION BY KISSING YOU. I SHOULDN'T HAVE. JUST JUST LEAVE"
I yelled and looked everywhere but him. I could feel his heart breaking but he didn't love me. Damn your heart.
"Hiraeth, I just went to talk to her, she tried to touch me but I didn't let her. I swear, I didn't cheat. I liked you from the very first time I saw you. I swear I went to the club but when I refused, we just talked about our lives and shit. I was drunk and rambling to her about you. I swear trust me"
He said begging and I finally looked at him. I finally felt relief entering my body. He seems genuine. I should trust him. I nodded and he came close to me. I flinched but he thought he was scaring me away. His eyes were so much grieving. He could barely not cry.
"I am sorry if it came the wrong way, but after you, there wasn't any girl."
I looked at how sincerely he said it. How much confidence his tone had. He was about to turn and leave. I could feel our heartbeats mixing as I hugged him tightly
"I am sorry, I am sorry for thinking that way," I said with a jaded voice
He nodded and still his heartbeat was panicking, oh my god, he was shaking, I held him as tightly as ever,
"It's okay Tristan, shush, shush. I am here, I am not leaving you, I will come tonight. I promise"
He looked back at me almost tearing up, he looked at me with hope. he was my hope. He should know that.
He nodded and hugged me as tightly as ever, as if he couldn't resist himself from touching me. But why did he lie
"Why did you lie to me, Tristan?"
I whispered carefully to not trigger his thoughts
"I thought you would not like me going to a club that late"
I sure as hell wouldn't like it but it was different in his case. He was different, he was brought up differently. He isn't used to anything decent, because this industry reeks of indecent things. It is the environment here for people to behave and act recklessly with their lifestyles. I don't understand this industry.