Tristan
3 years ago
I looked at the ceiling of my studio, thinking about the way her eyes were closed when we kissed, my heart still bubbles up when I remember our kiss that night, how she kept holding me with those soft-edged slender fingers, how her fingers rest on my neck as if she knew which place to hold as if she practiced a lot of times on her mind. My heart was still sore but she was painting it serenely with her smiles, It's been a week since we kissed, my lips memorized the way they moved along with her, and my heart was still beating fastly memorizing her freckles when she held me against her, Her chubby cheeks, the warmth spreading on this cheekbones, her face curved as I glided our lips, My mind is still consumed thinking about her, the way she calms me down, the way my breaths want to chain around her to protect her, the way my breaths revolve as hers, the way my trembling stops whenever I look at her. Am I hallucinating? I never told Jeremy about our kiss, Jeremy is anyway against it, I know I am a bad influence on her, but she wants it too. I know she wants me, and knowing she wants me just the way I want her makes my heart flush. Makes my heart giddy all over. My cheeks felt warm, I felt myself blushing. I looked down and took heavy breaths to not think about her anymore because I had to work, but her thoughts were keeping me from doing anything as if she just dissolved herself in my head and heart. I want to be near her now, always, every day, every minute, and every second. I don't want to just think, I want to hold her against me, comfort her in my embrace, adore her, so many things I want to do with her. My heart will combust. I think I am smiling...of
I wrapped my face with my palms as I squealed like a teenager who was happily kissing his first crush.
Stop it, Tristan. I looked at the papers, messily decorated with my handwriting. I have so many ideas for songs now, so I wrote 3, or 4 songs. Each one is of her. I couldn't stop writing about her.
I haven't seen her for a week. I don't know what happened to her. She didn't come to my floor or the dance studio. I even went to her dorm at midnight because, in the middle of the night, her dorm corridor switched the cameras off. After all, that was their time. They can bring family members at that time. I wonder if she has someone with her, like a family, parents, brothers, or a boyfriend. This beautiful girl must have captured the hearts of millions, but I don't get why she kisses me only when she keeps looking at me from afar. Why not Jeremy? Jeremy is beautiful in person, more charming, more successful, more sophisticated. Why me?
I never knocked on her dorm room door, but I looked from afar and she didn't get out for almost a week, she didn't come to work in their office which is situated right beneath my floor. I am worried for her.
I got out of my chair ran outside my studio, and went straight to the elevator, as always I stood outside her room. I need to see her, my heart is very anxious to see her. Just one glimpse and I will be fine, but what if she doesn't want to come near me, what if she got bored, what if she knew all of my bad doings, what if she thinks I am a bad influence, what if she is disgusted with me. What if she isn't interested in me?
My heart started filling with dread, why do I always need to overthink?
I gathered all my body strength and knocked on her door, praying to god to not let me cry my heart out if I didn't see her.
Thump thump thump
Her door creaked and opened revealing the most beautiful pair of eyes, Venus eyes, hazel brown eyes, we have the same shade of colors in our eyes.
My heart was on fire to just see her, it was beating so wild, that I might lose consciousness. I looked at her eyes, pale and swollen under, her cheeks were flared with pink shade not because of blushing, but because of sickness, her eyes were dim, her lips dry as hell, and she was looking messy rather beautiful. Her hairs were tangled and her body had that thin shawl covering her, her nose was red flushed as if a blotch of red paint was smeared against her nose. I looked at her round puppy. She was so adorable. Her bambi eyes were shocked seeing me here, in the middle of the night, I looked everywhere to make sure no one was watching us, I didn't her to get into trouble because of me
"Are you okay?"
She looked at me, and I wanted to look at myself for saying the words so brokenly. Idiot Tristan. Get yourself together, she is just a girl, exactly she is the girl of mine whom I have been crushing on for a month now and whom I haven't seen for like a week and I was dying to see her. Her eyes were wide as she coughed a little. I got the hint, she was sick. Shit. what happened
My heart sank hearing her coughing more.
I think my lips already made a blunder and it started pouting and I saw her looking at it, almost choking herself to smiling. Her eyes were red. She might be so sick, her hairs were almost half tied in a bun and it is half opened, the long strands were making my heart go fucking wild. She will be the death of me.
"I am fine, just a little bit cold"
She said in her thick voice, she must be sleeping earlier.
I stood there awkwardly without knowing how I should proceed to say something because I have never been with a girl, I mean a decent girl.
"Are you fine now? Sh..should I call a doctor?"
I stuttered. Wow, fuck you, Tristan. I scolded myself. I looked down thinking she might tell me to go away
"Uhm no, I called a doctor and he just went away checking me"
She said in her thin voice, my knees felt so weak hearing her.
I took a deep breath and asked
"What did he say? Are you alright?"
She nodded and said
"He said I need another week of bed rest, but I told him I need to get back to work by tomorrow, I might lose my job if I take another week of day off"
I frowned. She still is thinking about her job, she is goddamn sick.
"No no you don't need to go to work tomorrow, have the medicines the doctor prescribed and rest for a week, I will talk to your head if needed"
She shook her head
"No no Tristan"
She said and I felt my world clogged, she said my name, as if it was the most beautiful name to ever exist.
I looked at her and her eyes were soft and worrying
I leaned forward and Caged her in my arms, embracing her softly, her petite body was on fire, she was so warm, that she had a high fever. Her heart was drumming against my chest. My hand fingers combed her messy tangled hair. I kissed her forehead because I wanted to.
She slowly wrapped her arms around my shoulders and hugged me back. I heard her sigh deeply and inhale my scent as if it would make her feel good. I let her grip tighten against me as I Buried my head on her neck carrying her holding her waist as she grabbed the collars of my shirt squealing, but never said no, I held her softly like an infant and dragged ourselves inside her room. She shivered a little as her shawl fell on the floor while I put her on her bed, it was a single bed, her room had minimal furniture, a bathroom, a tiny bathroom-sized kitchen, there is no dining table, there is a reading table, a window with no curtains, and a small bookshelf near the right corner of her bed, a side table with a broken lamp, her house is on the west side so the sun rays rarely reflect on that side of the dorm, a single bean bag and a shoe box near the door, a single plastic cupboard. How can she live like this? I went to the mini refrigerator which we usually find in hotel rooms, I opened the door for a water bottle, I pulled out a water bottle and saw the fridge was almost empty. She didn't have anything to eat.
I returned to her and she was looking at me as if searching for something, discomfort or disgust. There wasn't any. Why would I be uncomfortable with her? I knelt and she shook her head saying
"Tristan, why are you kneeling, get up, get up.."
I palmed her mouth with my giant-fingered hand, and she looked at me with round wide eyes, she was so beautiful. My heart skipped a beat.
"Why? I need to....wait"
I got up running and then came back with a bowl and a cloth piece, maybe a torn piece of drape which was on the kitchen counter. The kitchen cabinets were also empty, how could she stay alone, with an empty stomach, it was almost midnight, had she eaten? Maybe her family members will come and give her groceries. She doesn't have any friends or what?
I knelt as her eyes were worrying, it was unreadable a moment later, her eyes were soft and yet there was some desire hiding in between, and again, it was longing, she was longing for something. I helped her lay down, holding her arms and shoulders. She laid and never uttered a word, drinking me, my features as if I were a sculpture.
I kissed her forehead and hair multiple times, I could feel her relaxing her stiff body and breathing swiftly. She sighed in utter relief when I put the cold water cloth on her forehead, I held her hand with both my hands and kissed it multiple times
"I am sorry, I am bad at talking with you, but I want to take care of you"
Her lips curved into a gentle smile, I wanted to kiss her. I removed the cloth when it dried and checked her temperature, she was burning hell. My heart is sinking. I can't see her like this, pale and dull, less lively. I again put the wet cloth on her forehead and kept kissing her hand. She was still so warm. I wish I could do something. I called my assistant who might be outside buying me midnight snacks. I told him to bring groceries for a living alone person, for a month. Her family might come later but right now she doesn't have anything present in her house, we barely can call it a house, this feels like a storehouse.
I removed the cloth and checked her temperature again and she was still hot.
"Did you take the medicines"
She nodded almost with hooded eyes, she was starting to feel sleepy but she couldn't sleep empty stomach
"Have you had something for dinner?"
She shook her head saying
"I am not hungry, Tristan I am fine really, you can go now"
I know she doesn't want me to go and I won't. Hell, I will never leave her in distress.
"Hiraeth, please don't lie to me. I know you haven't eaten, there is no grocery here. I am sure your family knows by now then why haven't they bought you something"
I could feel her hand falling from my grip. Her eyes were now closed as tightly as ever
I might have triggered her past, there is no mention of her parents or any siblings in her form. OH shit, I messed up.
"I am sorry, I shouldn't have"
"My parents are dead, I left my brothers' house for some reason, so yeah I don't have any family"
She said with quite a cold tone and I shivered, what all she has suffered. My heart is broken hearing her. She sure has gone through cruelty and hell itself. How can she still survive life after all of those things?
A tear fell from her closed eyes, I again put the wet cloth on her head and said kissing her palm again taking it on my hold
"It's okay, that's another time's story, now you are my responsibility."
She smiled sadly and almost kept silent. She might have fallen asleep. I don't remember how time went as I busied myself removing and placing the folded wet cloth on her forehead. When I realized her forehead was releasing sweat that meant the fever was falling. I kissed her forehead and went outside as I saw my assistant just come and I took all the groceries from his hands and told him to not tell anyone.
I went to the kitchen and started heating some water. I had asked for instant miso soup packets. I made a bowl of miso soup with some veggies. I am a pretty bad cook but I think I did a good job. I went to the side table of the bed. I put the boiling soup on the table kissed her forehead and slowly woke her up, she fluttered her beautiful eyes. The fan was so slow, that it barely covered her sweaty body. I could cry, I took the cloth as she looked at me with round wide eyes, her traumas made her so silent, she never expressed anything, even her eyes barely held any emotions, but they were soft for me.
"Let's eat yeah but before that"
I said and ran towards the bathroom, pulling a towel after dumping the wet drape into the nearby bucket. I drenched the towel in the water and came running. She said
"Tristan you don't have to do all these, I can do the things, see my fever is nowhere"
She said almost cheerfully but I could feel her heart sink for some reason
I came and without listening to her, wiped her neck, her arms which were exposed because of her dress, and her face, her feet which were still bare and rarely showing because of her long dress. She was covered but never had something covered made me crave so much, that I could die from her longing for her.
A tear fell from her eyes, as I kissed her forehead and wiped her tears. I helped her have the soup as I checked her temperature again. She was normal thank god. I sighed deeply in relief, I embraced her, sitting on the edge of her bed, my knees were crushed because of sitting on the floor for so long, I looked at my phone on the side table showing time, 4:14. It was almost morning. She had to sleep, the sudden urge to cuddle her was so much increasing. I laid her down and covered her with her duvet, I kissed her forehead and started to release our hug as I was still on top of her, hovering. She closed her eyes in tiredness but her fingers never left the collar of the shirt, her fists were tiny. I kissed her cheeks multiple times and nosed her cheeks until she was calmly breathing her grip loosened and she left me. I pulled and looked back at her cuddling her duvet and sleeping peacefully. I am relieved so much now, that I can't stop kissing her as I dived for a single peck on the forehead.
I left her without her knowing. I hope she feels better