Hiraeth
"No, we need pasta sauce, not pizza sauce"
Javi looked at me for the sixth time and huffed in annoyance. We are basically in a supermarket, buying monthly groceries. His eyes were still brightened after our argument in the morning, his starry wide eyes were rolling for the hundredth time a day
"Hiraeth, the sauces are the same, we can use either sauce for both dishes. This supermarket has only pizza sauce, we need that alright"
He said almost as if he needed to be gentle near a baby, I pouted and nodded. He tucked my hair behind my ears with his giant veiny hands. His lips landed on my forehead as he kissed it with a feathery touch and then pulled away going to the different aisle.
I turned on the very same lane and pulled out a jar of pizza sauce. The jar was not that heavy so I pulled out two jars of the sauce and put it on the grocery bucket.
I was so engrossed in putting the jars in between our other products to not get anything break, there were other glass jars of sauces and spices too, that I didn't see someone standing in front of me, I saw trousers, army printed and stood frowning my eyes which were looking at those pair of casuals, when did Javi changed his pants, might be someone else. I nonchalantly looked up and My body froze, as if suddenly icy cold water on me and my bones were freezing. Thump thump thump...
I looked at his sun eyes, the eyes my entire world used to revolve. Time stilled as we kept looking at each other in utter silence, nobody moved, and nobody made a simple effort to lean and grab the other, the fire sparks came back like fireworks in my body, and the adrenaline came back as I felt my chest and cheeks getting warmed up, Our eyes were holding the stories which we never got to share in these 3 years, 3 years later I got to see the sun eyes, which are dimmed, the lights don't lighten the world now, sun rays don't reflect through his eyes now, the entire universe doesn't bow to him now, as if he willingly stopped spreading its lights, the shine he used to spread even if he was shattered at that point, I can see from his eyes, he was dead, dead like me, nothing his eyes offered me, I kept standing there, urging his eyes to express, anything, any feelings, nothing. It was blank, as if his eyes were never his, but someone else's. My heart was in extreme pleasure, my heart raced like nothing it beat near Javi that night. How can I even love someone else? When I just get a glimpse of my sun, I don't care if his rays are corrupted. I have always loved him, My heart is getting stabbed so many times remembering our love days, so many memories, I could cry.
He was wearing a black leather jacket and it had a white tee inside. As handsome as ever. He was beautiful, he is beautiful, he will always be.
Thump thump thump
my heart was reacting so much differently, as if someone had just given their soul to me and I started living, I got my life back.
He leaned forward as I did the same towards him, He came near me, vanilla. His fragrance never changed, his scent was vanilla, a little nutty too. I looked at him, his face, I could close my eyes and see the same details, I could recognize him blind. He is half of my soul as the poet says. I drank his features, those freckles, the heaved-up cheeks, the pale skin covered with 7 moles, the moles being poignant. I could cry, this is him, my Tristan. I breathed heavily, and he came close to me as I inhaled his fragrance, he was viscous and so was his perfume. My heart will be soon crippling and find its way out of my hands
"HIRAETH, DO WE NEED ALMOND MILK?"
I flinched hard and backed away, wondering what I was about to do. I looked over the aisle Javi was on, he couldn't see us. I huffed a breath in relief. I looked at him and I could see this man crumpling from inside inch by inch, who said I couldn't read him, till now, I read him like nobody could. Tristan was breaking from inside. I couldn't do anything.
"Yes Javi, get it, I am getting to the counter directly, you go ahead, I am coming, I need some chips" I yelled back my answer while looking at Tristan
"OKAY LOVE" Javi yelled back and I could hear his trolley trolling toward the counter
"What are you doing here?"
I asked, being as cold as ever, that I needed to do this. Javi doesn't deserve any unfairness. My eyes were numb, with nothing to show.
"Can we talk?"
My heart flipped a million times. How does he do that? Why am I at the mercy of his every uttered word? Why am I this weak for him?
He came forward without wasting seconds and I panicked. Distress filled my heart as I started trembling, my feet were shaking and I could barely stand.
His breaths chained near me, caging me as I inhaled loudly to breathe normally but I couldn't. I can never be normal near him. What is he doing here in Boston?
His citrus cologne got mixed with his perfume, he always used to apply two different flavors, one a spicy one and the second one a body lotion flavored. He came closer and I felt I couldn't breathe anymore. I need Javi, I need to get back to my home, Tristan was never my home.
"I don't want to, just leave"
I backed away and turned around to leave him alone
Sparks ignited in my body as he held my wrist, and the nostalgic ticklish feeling entered my heart and body, I felt my body shiver and react to his touches just like earlier. He was my everything, he is still my everything
"Hiraeth you don't know my side of the story, please just listen to me."
His voice was hoarse, thick, and still, his voice sang my name as if it was bound to. I love him. My heart screamed to me as a few drops of tears fell. When can I stop crying about him?
His voice was laced with beginnings and helplessness.
I looked back at him as his eyes were glossier, telling me a story I shouldn't listen to, that same love I could see in his eyes, nothing changed. My heart can't take this.
"Just leave, please. I can't...I can't leave that man. Just leave"
I pleaded trying my best to pull out my hand from his grip but he tightened it more.
I could feel fear rising inside me as Javi might see, he wouldn't like it. But you love it here, in his arms. I yelled at my brain and mind to shut up
"Please Hiraeth, let me tell you, then you can give it the closure it needs"
"No"
It doesn't need a closure, it does, it doesn't. My heart was bleeding
I shook my head and jerked my hand from his grip, this time he let it slip, I could see in his eyes and face that he was destroyed and ruined. How can I watch my sun dying, maybe I killed him, like he killed me.
I ran towards Javi, his concerned eyes dragged towards me as his arms protectively held my waist, hugging me from the side, kissing my forehead, whispering something I could barely hear, I could feel my heart drumming against my ribcage, and soon I would collapse. I hugged Javi back
"Take me home please"
He nodded vigorously, looking here and there to find whoever hurt me, but found none. Maybe Tristan was just a hallucination. I looked back to the aisle where I met him, he was standing in a corner, and his fingers were poking through a shelf.
Javi paid the bill and we got out of the supermarket. He kissed my forehead before taking me home, maybe this time it wouldn't feel like home anymore. I died a long time ago and dead people cannot stay in any home.
1 WEEK LATER
" Javi, are you done?"
Javi was clicking my picture as we just came to the riverside, the same spot where we sat and talked about our lives. It was especially special for him because he came with his vintage camera. His hobby is photography. He is so passionate about it that I sometimes think that could have used his talent to pursue his career as a great photographer. He knows everything about me, I know everything about his life, every happening, every cruelty he has to get through.
Javi's eyes were brighter than ever, lights were beaming from his doe ones. His cheeks must be hurting by smiling so much these few days. We spent every day doing something he liked us to do, he dreamed of doing with his girlfriend. I am grateful I could make him happy, but my heart was in distress every second. What did Tristan have to say? Should I give him a chance to talk it out? Why were his eyes so dull, and absolutely no sparks were painted in those orbits, why his lights were nowhere to be found? My heart sank but still I heard click sounds, Javi's dimples were poignant as they deepened when he smiled, and his eyes turned into a scarlet of stars, he was pretty.
His fingers passionately moved along my posture as he kept clicking my pictures. I never smiled but he said he needed my raw reactions. I kept looking back at him and then turning to the river.
I looked back at him and this time, I looked at someone else behind him. My heart stopped. It was Tristan, Javi realized my distress and looked behind. I didn't notice Javi, my eyes locked with those dark brown hazel ones. The iconic sun eyes just took my breath away, I felt my heart beating so fast, that I might faint with the overwhelming pressure my heart was getting. Thump thump thump, my heartbeat might be audible by now, I am shivering under the weight of his dark eyes, it was so dark, as if anger and sadness filtered into something else.
I felt someone's warm hand sliding on my waist, It was Javi. I looked at him and looked at him helplessly. He looked at me terrified, Javi's reactions told me he was scared, scared for his life. Fear was dripping from his eyes, he was uncomfortable. Javi's face was brushing against my cheeks as he tried to side-hug me by burying his face in the crook of my neck. My one hand automatically caressed his back to bring him back to life, he was frightened, and his hitched breaths told me everything. Javi's hair was flipping through my eyelashes, and my other hand landed on his chest, to ease the fear, to make him warm, my hand started rubbing him on his heart.
My eyes landed back on Tristan. God, what do I do? My heart was getting wild. Tristan was looking so miserable. But how can I convince Javi that I want to hear what Tristan has to say? He followed me for a week, I saw him in every corner I went, his eyes told me a million stories, and he was broken to the pit of no return. I have Javi but maybe he doesn't have anyone.
"Javi"
I whispered as my lips landed on his hair, slowly kissing him, Tristan's eyes were on me and I sure as hell can say he was crying. I can't help it. Everyone just gets hurt by me.
Javi looked at me, he was delicate. This muscular giant man in my arms was soft, he could never be aggressive with anyone.
Javi's ragged breath was calming down as he looked at me. Both were looking at me, oh god what do I do? One has to get hurt.
"Let's go home"
I said looking at Tristan as Javi nodded, Tristan stood there still, not uttering a word, his hair was messy. He was so beautiful, the breeze was playing with his hair and his cheeks were flushed by the cold air. I felt I would soon be bursting out in flames.
Javi's other hand interlaced with me as we made our way past Tristan, our shoulders brushed as he closed his eyes. I took a deep breath and left the place with Javi, the sun was setting, and I looked back at him, I saw my sun was also setting, he knelt and wailed his lungs out, his screams made my heart bleed. The purple hue of the sky rattled on him as he looked like a painting from afar. I tightly closed my eyes after sitting in the car and Javi, without looking anywhere, drove to our house.