2 June, 2022
Dear Sun
You know what when I saw you for the first time I couldn't take my eyes off you. Trust me it was love at first sight. Not really but it was kind of a familiar feeling that I would end up with you for the rest of my life. You were looking ethereal. Your exquisite features caught my attention at first. Your dazzling eyes are so intimidating. You know what? Your eyes express a lot of emotions. Sometimes your eyes smile, sometimes your eyes cry. Sometimes your eyes shine out of happiness. Sometimes your eyes express gratitude towards your fans. Sometimes your eyes betray you by tearing up. Sometimes your eyes become tired when you overwork. Sometimes you express your disappointment through your eyes. Sometimes anger and sometimes immense love.
I love your details, like the mole on your nose which sometimes indicates that you have pierced your nose. It looks very cute to me. the way your eyes glitter while seeing your fans, the way your eyes tear up to express your gratitude towards them, the way these big bounties admire your s with admiration and adoration, the way these big doe eyes become scary when something happens to your s. Sometimes these eyes want to intimidate your fans, I love all these little emotions that your eyes show. I love how your baby hair strands cover your forehead, almost hiding your eyes. You know, whenever I used to see your picture, I would rub my fingers against your baby hairs to remove it. I know I was a crazy fan of yours. I love how the lips of your smile are cheek sometimes full of happiness. Sometimes your lips curve into a boxy smile. Then the mole on your ear made me look like you were born with an earpiece. I just love your whole self...it is just so comforting.
Yours sunflower
12, June, 2022
Dear Sun,
I was lying on the sand, right near the ocean, the ocean was darker, gleeful indigo, and grayish blue glimmered against the subtle hint of the sun. The sun was about to rise. It was breezy, with the warmth guided against its water banks. I was wearing a see-through, satin thin loose ivory blouse, never long enough to hide my belly. My arms were grazing the cold sand, dirtying my hands, and my fingers unraveled the parts of the bank. I could hear the ocean roaring, waves in an uproar as their limbs amalgamated, filled the needed pores, and thrashed against the bank with a growl, there were darker clouds. The earth's musky smell overpowered everything, the citrus scent surrounded my nostrils, the crisp leaves, and the punchy smell of rotten roses came near my nose, I arched my back, closing my eyes, inhaling louder than ever. I could hear my breath echo, I was the only one on the beach, my bare feet mingled with the sand underneath, I dirtied myself wholly, I inhaled so long again I felt alive for a moment, the rattling of leaves was heard, it was about to rain in this cold. My body shivered dangerously, I didn't think of getting up and leaving. I could feel the sand swooshing my hair, making them a mess, I could never untangle. I could feel the clouds covering the sky, the sky became darker than ever in the already dark expanse. Mocking me, mocking my loneliness, or sympathizing with me. I could feel with my closed eyelids, a warmth hovering above me, I smiled knowing. I fluttered my eyes open. There was you, the sun in the rain, were you a myth? I could see your hooded eyes, lining my face. I felt my breath syncing with yours as you came closer, and closer and closer. Our limbs pressed and created a spark every time they touched too little strongly. I could smell your fragrance, a lighter cotton. Plush lips perked up, as my fingers left my tangled hairs, I let my fingers guide against your face, traced every single ounce, the skin, rougher, flushed, drier. So imperfect. I stared at your face, the ocean roaring still, celebrating love, celebrating the making of love. I could feel the yearning in your skin, blaring hot, I was icy cold. I pulled you closer, and your giant body leaned against mine, sinking into the sand deep, marking our position. My fingers cupped your cheeks, absorbing everything in one glimpse, soaking a whole damn person inside my heart, cutting it with skin on skin. Our fingers then interlaced, I could hear the rustling as the shame-filled ounce of cloth escaped and I fell apart whole under you. I could hear the clouds darkening the sky more and more, surrounding us with enough curtains, as if the entire nature came together just to hide our bare bodies. I touched your chest, bare, a little sweaty, I arched my back as I could see those eyes naming my organs, as flower names, bloomed perfectly just for you. I felt my cheeks blaring, a natural effect on a woman, I was your woman. We didn't say anything that morning. Your hair was a little shorter than earlier, jet black, glossier. I could find you near my ear, right behind it, cutting through my skin like a vampire, it wasn't deep but I wanted you to dig deeper, urge you to mark a shade deeper and let it last longer, let it last forever. I could hear the ghost of breath you exhaled right on my ear as you breathed a little longer there, whispering something
"What do you want?" it was a pleading, an aching whimper.
"You," I said confidently, not trembling under you much, but I was trembling in real life. I could feel your hands pulling my wrist and tucking them ahead of my head. I kept looking at you. I could feel one hand unclasping from the other and your finger skimmed through my bare belly. Trailed scars there. Fingers rough, needing, heavier than ever. I felt your lips attached to my neck, open mouth, vicious, you were trying to make me comfortable but I wanted pain. Wanted to claw your way through my skin, mark, mark, and mark. I moaned under you, writhed under you, sweat trickling down my forehead, I could hear you hovering over me, asking with those sun eyes, I have always been yours, couldn't you see, you could hold me however you want, I am already ruined. I was always ruined. I could feel a skin contact, inside mine, striking its way to my skin, preciously and precisely. With fervor, with a way, I felt my eyes rolling up. I wanted to still look at you. Right when our skins barely mingled, I could feel a tear-jerk from the corner of your eye to my cheek, I felt my body was in a wildfire, like burning the entire forest of plants, and I could feel your entire weight above me, I could feel the waves getting closer and closer, the ocean rattling, thrashing, as if a sea whale came, the rain's no trace was found. I could feel the waves coming crashing against the bank, just on our attached bodies, we weren't moving, savoring how two people can become one, I was your woman, only yours, only yours. I screamed in my brain, I could feel us getting drenched with the waves, the sand itching my bare back, but I didn't move. I looked at your face as if the sun engulfed the rain and created streaks of reddish flow. You were so beautiful, my heart rattled inside, finally, I could inhale a little, and a tear fell from the corner of my eye. I don't know why we were crying, you were moving then, frantic, in a rhythm, in a tune I never knew you wrote, in a glee. Stronger, harder then again, slower, gentler, I never felt ecstasy this way, never felt my body falling apart, breaking apart, shattering under someone's touches. I could feel our lips, ghosting against each other, kissing, mingling, talking. I never knew what you murmured against me, I could feel my tears coming in a flow, rapidly. I could feel us barely surviving to live, I don't know if I ever lived this way. I shivered as the wind came crashing against us, it was about to create a storm. We could be dragged to drown, dragged to death. But we didn't care. I held your shoulder, unclasping my hands from your grip. Your one arm around my waist pulling me to yourself. We kissed, I could almost hear the faint beat of your heart, and could taste the sun. could taste the glee. Could taste the need. I kissed you back with fervor, dangerous desire, I could feel we would soon be dissolved, vanished. No love can be this mesmerizing in this world. It started raining. Harder and I could feel you move harder, our moans illicitly escaped, I could hear the vulnerable you, and I cherished the voices, the sounds, the aches. You were crying then, harder, desperate, miserable. I couldn't stop you from crying. You moved quickly, faster, ravishing. There was a lull, a phase and we were floating. I could feel us drowning in each other. I finally closed my eyes, never wanting to see you cry like this. As if your heart is breaking, as if I broke your heart. Maybe I will. Our skins were entangled, never intending to pull out. I felt full, heavier, a soul twined with the other, we were one person and I did know when we pulled out, our souls would be one and neither of us would have any idea how to take our soul back. I embraced you right? Burying my face on your bare neck, sweaty, fatigued bodies sinking with tiredness. Making love was never this beautiful to write, I never knew I could write as we made love, I could find my scent on you, I moaned a little harder against your ear, wanting for you to memorize it. The clouds burst out as the rapid rain fell on top of us washing the releases. Washing away the fatigue, I rested my head on your chest, as I kissed your forehead, I slopily kissed you, and you kissed me back. As if I was your woman, weren't I? I was. You're yours and yours. The mantra thrilled me, my body was electrified and lived the moment. We sighed as we lay side by side, holding our sand-filled sweaty hands, under the rain, we looked at the sky, it was raining so hard, someone was crying so hard, was it you? Or was it me?
Yours Sunflower
15 June, 2022
Dear Sun
"Come here" I whispered as you came closer to me in the bed, letting me snuggle against your neck with my face. I inhaled your scent, it was fresh vanilla with a hint of caramel, and it was rich but not raunchy. I looked sideways with my eyelids and looked at the luggage, 4 suitcases, black, daunting, and dark. I sighed, closing my eyes. We were silent, ironically we didn't even murmur, just sooth in the bath of silence, as if words would ruin the prospect of serenity. I caressed your shaved head, little hair prickling my finger skin, I let my lips graze your skin on the neck, lingering more than it should. I kissed the blunt skin there right on the neck, my kisses trailed under the corner of your ear, I felt you melting in me, sighing with utmost contentment, and was it a little whimper or a quiver of your lips? I trailed kisses, sucked the supple skin there, licked the amount of skin, slowly, and took my time as if we got the time of our life. my fingers trailed against your neck, caressing the soft skin, I let you lie down properly as I was hovering above you. I kissed your chest, smoothly marking the skin of your collarbones, your eyes were closed but never the sighs stopped for once, I could feel your fingers carding against my hair. Holding me tight. I let my lips linger on your skin, the back of your neck, the corner of the ounces splayed against the expanse of the neck sideways. I sucked and scarred a place right under your ear, I hovered against you and kissed your forehead. I whispered
"I love you so much" Maybe I never meant anything in this life this much until I let myself let loose these words. I whispered but I could feel your ear perked up. Maybe recently these few letters didn't contain my love yous.
"you know I always heard if you love them, you have to let them go, I thought it was all bullshit until I saw myself on the verge of dying" I whispered
You looked at me intently as if every theory was written in my face and you have to memorize those theories. As if every imperfection has a reason and my face is the reason, as if every curious mind link is twisted in me and you have to gawk to answer. As if the conspiracies are making me extremely beautiful tonight for you to not look elsewhere or as if it was the last time you see me. as if the universe is pulling me away from you and your fingers can't help but slip and let me wander in the wind like stardust. I looked at you as if the conspiracies were mere illusions and maybe god took his time to curve your presence like the sun. the sun never shines like you. you were golden, caramel, and honey. All the mixes of these adjectives. You were beyond the prosperity of my words, you are beyond the limit of glimmer. I kissed your cheeks, one by one. I let my lips gaze at those higher bones in your cheeks, rounder even, the moles of the underline from your right eye. I could feel myself dying, or in other words, losing consciousness because of the heaviness. Wasn't this the death, serene as I look at you and my breath will get slower as time goes. The privilege to look at you, while my soul is being sucked gently. Or maybe the mere thought of living is dying for me. I pressed my lips on top of yours, and over and over again our lips overlapped, making us both breathless, I kissed you with fervor, vigor, and passion as if the color red. I grabbed your jaw and I kissed you, sucking the soul out of your chest, making me barely able to breathe. I pulled your layers, leaving you bare and true, raw and rough. I stared at you and tried my best to smile, but rather my lips tamed, paled. I counted those moles surrounding your whole bare elegance, how can someone be lined with kohl scars, sculpted and mythologically looking like Persephone? Maybe I was your Hades. I again snuggled against your neck, can't look at the longing eyes, I kissed the skin, ripped and moist, I sucked open my mouth as you moaned against my ears, hugging my waist, pulling me closer. I could feel a thick droplet of tear rendered against my forehead, I lined our lips again, meddling sorely, as if mere touching was paining us. I love you. I screamed inside my head. I kissed your forehead and then again, lapsed my lips with yours, slowly taking the warm pair of buds, your mouth is bigger than mine, but thinner in the prospect. I embraced you, bursting into tears. Hysterically I felt the silent torment left from your eyes and onto my shirt collar. I kissed your head, and beads of rough edges of the remaining hairs hit my lips. I kissed your head. Your forehead. Your cheeks, in a hurried way, more in a sloppy way. I busted into whimpers, louder this time. I wasn't supposed to cry, I wasn't supposed to cry. but I was crying as if my life was ending, was it? I felt your grip tightening against my waist. We stayed like that for a few hours, breathing with each other's help, trying to calm our hearts. I hovered above making you look at me, I undressed myself, slowly and subtly. I could feel your eyes racing through me. I held your thighs, fingers never leaving an ounce of skin to be untouched. I tattooed them against my skull. I met your skin right at the moment I saw you gripping my hips tighter. I leaned forward, letting your torment pass, to adjust, I could see your eyes closing, taking me in fully, wholly with all these scars and truth. I slammed our lips together as I could hear your moan aligning with mine, it was gentle, but frantic in the end. it wasn't impatient, our skins never exploded but I could see the fire in your eyes, cheeks blazing. You were so beautiful, my heart clenched, so hard I could feel my heart breaking a little bit more. I moved, desperate but in sync with your hurried breaths. I was unraveling myself again, I don't mind. I don't mind dying in your arms, here. With you writhing under me. I kissed your forehead. Kissed your cheeks, wet with tears, more and more tears fell, glistening your whole face. I don't know why you were crying. I sought after your grabby hands, embracing you as your hips moved against mine, crashing, sweltering the love inside our hearts. I aligned my forehead with yours, as I kissed you rough, wanting, needing. Something or anything, a mere fraction and we both will unravel and vanish. I knew how our skin met as if two hollow empty fire pits crashing down against the volcanic ocean waves only to be reached on the shore but with nothing but ashes. Our limbs attached, sweaty, slippery, sloppier but so ecstatic, I could fall apart easily and I did. I could hear your moan louder and right against my ear, as I smiled as your lips kissed the expense of my neck, our fingers were everywhere against each other. Every pore was being touched, worshiped, held as tightly as possible as if the other would shatter apart any moment, our breaths in sync but your heartbeats were louder against me, paining me more than they should.
" Are you falling in love with me Mr. Kim?" I smiled and whispered teasing
"I was never falling" I felt my heart sink, I kissed your forehead, multiple times and kissed your head.
"I rose every time" I could feel tears drizzling against your cheek as I cupped them in my hands. I attached our foreheads, breathing heavily and fast. I kissed you, maybe I could never kiss you. I love you and I want to kiss you so much. a little more than the previous day. Our lips molded perfectly and in a shape that was vulgar almost. But I didn't care. I can be vulgar for you. I finally let another teardrop fall which dropped right into your face, I sanked under your arms, falling back on the mattress. I didn't pull out, our skin was still intact and touching.
"I love you" I whispered. You were exhausted and looked at me with those droopy eyes, the eyes never making me want to die.
"Close your eyes' ' I whispered as you did, pulling me closer to you. I pulled out and you hissed because of the sensitivity. I cuddled against your chest and nuzzled my nose. I smell like vanilla and caramel now. I was satisfied with my smell. I caressed your unmoved cheeks, you were sleeping serenely, suddenly the skin flew high up and sank, your cheekbones always taking my breath. I let my finger linger on your cheeks.
"Goodbye Taehyung" I whispered but you didn't hear me. I smiled, and bumped my nose with yours, giggling to myself as you squirmed and held me tighter than ever.
"I love you so much" I whispered again, maybe I was saying so many times meant it might be my last. But would it? maybe not.
"I love you," I said again
Maybe I was going crazy but I said one last time
"I love you" whispers melt away with the way you breathe. Inhaled my neck, burying your face on my neck like an infant. I kissed your forehead and let you sleep, embraced you tighter, squeezing you so hard, maybe your bones might have broken. I Inhaled deeply. So deeply as tears fell shyly and I wiped them tighter. I held you until the sun rose with orange and red hues that splattered against the windshield. I kept looking at you the whole night, savoring your breaths, inhaling and exhaling, inhaling and exhaling swiftly, holding me tight as ever. I kissed your cheeks. Wiped my tears which still flowed for some unknown reasons. I intertwined our fingers, forcing the time to stop. Please stop. I don't want to leave. I don't want you to leave. I slowly untangled my limbs, I wore your shirt, I was stealing it from you. I am sorry. I draped your bare body with the blanket, but I could feel your grabby hands, finding my presence, my warmth in sleep. There was a frown on your forehead with closed eyes. I smiled. I took my shirt from the floor and slowly let you grab it instead of my body, you hugged the piece of cloth as if I was in it. I wasn't. Am I ever? I kissed your head. Honestly, it was funny Taehyung, you look funny. And I know you might be crying by now reading the letter. Because I am not there. I left that very morning while you were back to sleep deeply hugging my shirt. I am sorry, I couldn't leave with you looking at me departing from you. I am sorry, I could still hear the shiver you felt coursing through the veins when in the morning finding the bed empty. I am sorry. Take care of yourself. I will write you letters. Don't reply to them. I love you so much and I didn't die.
Yours Sunflower
20 June, 2022
Dear Sun
it's just a feeling of being protected in someone's embrace and right at that moment that damn trust of this someone will always protect you sneaking inside your heart without knowing yourself is love I guess. A fated feeling that you start to admire and adore. A feeling you pray to never go away. A feeling that contains millions of warm smiles, and comforting hugs without any fear of losing. Why such fear if our hearts are attached, why worry, if we know that we are gonna protect them no matter what? Why insecure if we know that someone we love will never go away because they are tied to us? So beautifully pure it is. I want to feel but I still feel somewhat now....I am just yeah...crazily in love with you...
Trust me, when you are in love with someone's pain, you get attached to them as if they are your wounds. You feel the same amount of hurt and it gets worse. But when the pain goes away the happiness feels so worth it that it makes our whole lives easier...I want you to love my pain but is it possible? huh.
Pain which is just as beautiful as love but love which is starting to fade strips our insides and empties us.....
Yours Sunflower
23 June, 2022
Dear Sun,
Rain Is Almost Like A Lover Sound That Pours Earth's First Melody In Your Ears, Freshness That Loads Life Into Your Monotony Catharsis Better Than A Church Confession Trouble Draining Down Your Body Like Rebirth, Heavenly Raw Smell That Reaches The Soul, Almost Like A Lover
The rain became the best blessing for them to embrace each other's souls and give love to each other even for a little amount of time.
Rains are often poured to discover our pain and hide the existing tears of those painful experiences. Rains are often called lovers as they keep consoling us with their cold yet thick rapid drops until our tears intertwine with them and vanish. Rains sometimes discover a counselor for them also. Rains also sometimes choose our pain-sharing partner. Rain often you allows to embrace its blessing which is that partner who shares your pain. Rain also allows us to hide within their embrace, cover ourselves in their embrace, and breathe their breathing, let their heartbeat within their beats intertwine with their souls to forget the pain. I wanted you as my rain blessing...
it feels like someone put a brick inside your heart which is just rubbing against your heart walls and making it bleed while burning. As if the flesh inside just can't bear excessive rubbing and it starts tearing the inside when you see someone you love touch another, when you see those glittering eyes and delighting eyes for someone else's, when you see those eyes are full of love for another but not you, not even a single love glance. When you see them loving someone else, embracing someone else.
I am scared to feel that
Yours Sunflower
25 June, 2022
Dear Sun,
Pains that are more beautiful than love itself are my favorite. Let's hold each other's hands and create a bond of pain that is created by us and untied by us as well. Let's love each other's pains which wreck our hearts and let it beat a little more rapidly for each other. Let's love tears of each other's, which rip our hearts as well as sew them together by attaching each other's broken pieces. Let's create a bond of hurt that happens inside us and which is healed by us as well. Let's create a bond of insecurities, lies, and distrust as we will solve them. Let's create a bond of imperfections, and impurities that are invisible but we will surely make it worth seeing. Let's create a rough and unique bond that can cast an evil eye on us as well. Let's create a bond of ours that would be engraved as sore-filled mates...
Yours sunflower
28 June, 2022
Dear Sun,
My eyes twinkled as the twilight set and the sky cascaded through shades of deep purple. She came up with a spicy-scented cosmos flower that spread the scent that had enveloped me in the sea of her warmth and her affection. The cosmos flower in her hands once ceased to have its beautiful fragrance and rotted away. She once said she would meet me when the sky revealed hypnotic shades of purple among the millions of clouds. Today she came to entangle gracefully with my soul. She came to signify a shade of purple that makes our souls radiant and gracious. Purple has come to praise the expression of love that transcends the limits of difference and can melt two souls sweetly and tenderly. She has come to gather my soul with her through the very shade of purple that will open the door for us to love extremely...
Yours Sunflower
30 June, 2022
Dear Sun,
Maybe I was destined to forever fall in love with people I couldn't have. Maybe there's a whole assortment of impossible people waiting for me to find them. Waiting to make me feel the same impossibility over and over again.
But I found the door of this whole Milky Way in you. After knowing you, I get to know others and enter this magic shop. I am not comparing you with the others but I felt comfort in your voice more than others', I felt encouragement in your words more than others', I found my peace in your eyes which glistens sometimes seeing your fans and I found my happiness in your evergreen smile and found inspiration in your journey with all your sacrifices and sufferings more than others'. You specifically hit my heart. I found my best version after knowing you; I started loving myself slowly after seeing you. In my imagination, you are my safe place where you would hide me and never let me go. You are the safe place of mine which would take all my pains and sadness.
You know when you crave someone's presence around you, it could be in silence also without him knowing, is love. And I crave for you...
1 July, 2022
Dear Sun,
You are made of words, chained poetry, a lacy ray of lined words, a white swan drenching in sun rays, a hinge of fragrance which is vanilla.
You were so beautiful, My eyes could never stare at anyone else, I saw you laughing while coming towards me, a ray of heavy sunshine was wrecking through our house. Your cheeks raised as those cheekbones gave me a little hard to resist not squealing. You looked like blue, the sky blue, the sea blue, the heart blue, you looked like my heart, racing, fidgety, and extremely blue. Your eyes were round and as you came forward, your hand graced my waist as you chased my cheeks with yours. This was intimacy for me, to be close to you, to hear you breathing and hearing your blue heart beating for me. thump thump thump, my heart can't resist. Your obnoxious scent mangled me as I could feel closing my eyes, my fingers were in your hair, slowly combing as you always tend to keep it messy.
"Why did you return?"
I whispered gently near your ear
"My arms were now on your shoulders as my fingers caressed through your neck, your collarbone. You looked at me tilting your head, if we learned we would kiss, and we did. I kissed you as you closed your eyes, you were soft against me, but at the same time, raw, imperfect, so rough, calloused. I loved it. You smiled against my lips and you said against my lips
"I forgot to kiss you goodbye"
I could cry, I could cry. My fingers touched your cheeks, caressed as slowly as I could, I breathed heavily against you. I forgot to tell you how you looked, you looked like a white swan with features in it but without wings, I didn't say it verbally. I could never. You looked like a wildflower on the field of poised roses; I never liked roses as I loved those wildflowers, spreading their petals with the wings of airs. I breathed heavily, this feeling always gets me full to the brim, of stopping breathing, I will one day. You will be the death of me. you looked like the English period films I used to watch alone, those cassette players in the antic shop, those record players on the tea shop of the roads, the pearl bracelet of that jewelry shop, the radio of that vintage café, that umbrella on a rainy day near the theater, that chamomile tea of my mom's, that belted watch of my dad's, that blue heart of mine which I had thought will always be different from others. You are all those things I remember memorizing for a pleasant life. But I loved you more than these things.
You are the only way to heal now because those things used to heal me, and those things are you now.
I miss you like a sunflower misses its sun
Yours Sunflower