Hiraeth
I lie down here on the tiled floor of the rooftop consuming the rapid raindrops ranting over my body. Thinking how loneliness is being a shackle to my feet I get up amidst the thrashing of water droplets. I hunched my back and swayed my body, my feet and ankles curved and flew in the rhythm of some unknown melody my head was creating, my hand ankles twisted and my shoulders gilded mirroring my hand works and I danced like a swan in the rain, the shackles of loneliness making my mind restless and drowning my vision into nothingness. I think numbness is my new favorite, I am just concentrating on the rhythm my mind is creating, the desperate hum, the adrenalin rush through my veins, the rain was creating lyrics as I roamed on the whole rooftop, dancing, my feet were flying in utter motion of a peacock. Thump thump thump. My heart was thudding as I felt someone's eyes on me. My chest was feeling so hollow but now it was feeling impatience, a want, and a desire. I kept dancing like a knight in the night. The moon wasn't there to witness the upcoming tears accompanying my feet's motion. The rain was there to wash those tears down. My closed eyes were now witnessing the brightest darkness. There is this unknown sadness creeping through my bones, there is this unknown dread, distress, and misery. I felt my limbs were getting tired but I was clicking my feet to every angle possible just for them to be busy and not feel the depth of loneliness. Loneliness creeps me out and it is creeping me out. And soon the loneliness will carry the burden of hope from my shoulders and I will sink. I will drown in darkness and never return.
Those eyes were still there looking at me from some corner of the rooftop or every corner.
I turned and saw Javi's raven eyes staring right through my soul. His thick eyelashes dragged them upper and lower, Javi is a person who would find poetry in everything, a person who would try to describe everything in an utter fantasy way, and in a way a person can never think of writing unless it a poetry. His gentle heart sees serenity in everything. He is very pretty as a human being. His heart is pretty, his soul is breathtaking, and he is a mesmerizing man. His voice will sound just like how the crickets sing in the first verse of the morning.
His words will caress your bare self and you will feel yourself diving into the myth of fantasy, into the myth of desire, into the myth of pleasure and joy. His eyes will sing songs you never knew could be uttered, his eyes will tell stories, and his eyes will look at you as if you are a piece of gem. He thinks a lot, a hell lot, but his thinking makes him more pretty. When those eyes look wherever they want and think of something irrelevant, I smile and keep looking at him. He is gentle and deep. He is my favorite person.
One needs a favorite person, more than friends and less than lovers. A favorite person makes life easier, and Javi is making my lifeless life easier just by existing. After knowing everything he is barely getting mad at me, I want him to get mad at me, to be furious at me. I never deserved anyone.
I made grabby hands and he came running amidst the rain. He felt the pleasure of the peacock's first dance on the first rain after the summer. Such wide-coloured beauty and a vintage range of colors are all splattered against him and he looks looking the best creation god can ever create. Suddenly an Image of Tristan flashed in front of my face and I closed my eyes feeling Javi caging me in his arms. I am so grateful to him. I could cry.
Thick water droplets drenched him completely and we both got soaked within seconds. As if the rain was so happy that it fell harder on top of us.
I whispered near his ear after wrapping my arms around his neck,
"Dance with me"
He pulled away from me and his eyes were brighter than ever. I felt so relieved to make him happy, his eyes soon glossed, his eyes were wide and those city lights were all attracted to him as his eyes were shining the brightest.
I have never done anything for me, never any romantic gesture, we just lived under the same rooftop for months just by existing and doing our job, Javi helping me, Javi saving me, Javi making me eat, Javi making me sleep. He is my home. He will always be.
I smiled and nosed his cheeks leaning closer than ever, I could see his ears turning red, a warmth spreading on the part of my nose that was still. My fingers glided over his baby hairs and tucked beneath his ears, as I guided his one hand on my waist and the other one, I clasped our fingers and put my other hand on his shoulder, he kept looking at me with those starry eyes, soon I see his freckles on those cheekbones and a dimple appeared from the side, he smiled wide, showing a wide range of bunny teeth, his eyes smiling before his lips. I wish I could be this alive. I smiled just looking at him being so happy, his doe eyes looking everywhere around my face as if searching for hesitance. I don't hesitate with Javi. He should know it.
His forehead wasn't creased, and he was relaxed on my hold, I guided us and we started moving in the rhythm of our humming. I pressed my forehead with him as I kept feeling him exhaling on my face at a slow pace, we were calm, we were at peace. We swayed our bodies as swans on fire in the middle of the night, our feet touched, and we moved along the gestures of our eyes.
If I told you this was only gonna hurt
If I warned you that the fire's gonna burn
Would you walk in?
Would you let me do it first?
Do it all in the name of love
His smile was bigger than ever and he was blushing as evergreen. His pace fastened as he kept laughing, it's been a year since I have seen Javi smiling with his heart, his raw soft-edged giggles are enough to make my heart race, it is. For the first time in a year, My heart is reacting to seeing Javi smiling. For the first time, my heart is beating for someone else, at a slow pace but it is, My heart is reacting to Javi. I am terrified of it, dread is creeping through my veins.
Would you let me lead you even when you're blind?
In the darkness, in the middle of the night
In the silence, when there's no one by your side
Would you call in the name of love?
But I don't stop the movements, I move along with him. His feet techniques weren't professional, his feet were uncertain but his hands were certainly holding me. I could feel near him, a teardrop fell from my eyes, I have always wanted to feel for this man. I don't know if I will return to feelingless in seconds, but right now my heart is racing as ever. His chuckles are still there after seeing that my feet aren't moving along with him, it is moving differently. We are about to tumble and fall, but he never lets me fall. His eyes were so shining, the universe was caged in his eyes, raindrops were falling from his hair, and his shirt was wet, I smiled, he made our bodies collide, and we embraced each other leaving no distance. I was hugging my home, his heart was racing under me. He was so warm, I could cry.
If I told you we could bathe in all the lights
Would you rise, come and meet me in the sky?
Would you trust me when you're jumping from the heights?
Would you fall in the name of love?
"Javi, you don't feel bad for yourself?"
I asked him and he whispered near my ear hugging me still
"When he kept hurting you, did you feel bad for loving him still?"
This one sentence shattered through me, this line felt like a barber, it just stabbed me enough so that I could bleed. Javi loves me the same way, I loved Tristan.
When there's madness, when there's poison in your head
When the sadness leaves you broken in your bed
I will hold you in the depths of your despair
And it's all in the name of love
I pulled out from our bone wrecking hug and said
"Don't Javi, don't love me like I once loved that man. You will get ruined like me"
"Did you stop loving him then Hiraeth? Can you stop loving him now?"
His eyes are as certain as ever, the stars are still shining in his eyes, but they are never in the sky
My heart thumped and thumped
"I can't," I said
"I can't, " he said
I wish the world would end now in his arms, his arms which are still holding me at the waist as if his life depended on it. I wailed, kneeling as he kept holding me, kneeling with me. I screamed my lungs out, my throat started burning. I whimpered as he kept holding me. I want my life to end here. Please. I can't bear it anymore.
Next day
Hiraeth
Javi I have eaten so much already"
This is the sixth time I have been saying this but here he is, feeding me pieces after pieces of pancakes. My cheeks are puffed up and my mouth is stuffed up. I could barely chew but no this star-eyed boy will make me feed 5 pancakes in total, his doe eyes glittering more from last night, his flustered state from last night is still spreading its fragrance as his cheeks are flushed up from the morning, his eyes are shining brighter than ever. Love and adoration dripped from his concerned and curious eyes. How someone's eyes can hold stars even in the morning?
I rest my head on the headboard of our bed, as he keeps feeding me, with the fork, he always manages to wake up earlier and make the best kinda breakfast anyone can ever ask for. He is a great cook. Tristan didn't know how to cook. I always used to cook for the both of us, I still remember his pouted full lips covered with honey, he used to love honey on his pancakes, especially those hazelnut pancakes I used to make dripping with honey and strawberry smoothie. His cheeks would be more bread-like as those bones let the skin fly higher up, and his mouth would have been stuffed with food, but still, he kept pushing food further inside, he used to like eating all at once, he was impatient, desperate to gulp everything down. He was messed up.
"Hiraeth"
I looked at him and got back to reality, I blanked out again, didn't I?
His shiny eyes dulled within seconds, and his lights dimmed. His wide dimpled curved smile faded and he looked pale all of a sudden.
He got up cleaned my mouth with his fingers and afterward licked his chocolate syrup-smeared fingers. He got up from the edge of the bed, his messy long hair got ruffled up when he got up, the pancake plates were on his hands, and his eyes wandered everywhere but me, his eyes used to be always on me. Am I hurting him that much?
He was about to leave the room as I ran behind, holding his wrist with both of my hands
"Javi, are you mad?"
He shook his head and I could see his eyes getting glossier and sadder as the time went on. I felt like dying. I felt as if I really should end this once and for all. I am making it hard for everyone in this world.
"I am sorry Javi, I can't..."
He turned on the speed of electricity looking at me with a challenge in his eyes, his eyes were asking me to dare utter those next words which I forgot now. I am terrified of his anger. What if his anger is just like Tristan's, what if his raven-turned eyes are gonna make me go away from him as well? His eyes are now dark, pitch-black orbits are making me scared of him, and his eyes are turning emotional, I have never seen him this much closed out
"I CAN'T WHAT HIRAETH? YOU CAN'T DO THIS? THIS RELATIONSHIP? YOU WANNA END IT? YOU CAN'T FORGET HIM, FOR FUCK'S SAKE STOP MAKING ME LOOK LIKE A FOOL, I AM ALSO FUCKING TRYING. TELL ME ONE THING"
I flinched hard as he yelled and leaned towards me, I unintentionally backed away and it wasn't unnoticed by him. But his veins popped up, he wasn't furious, but rather irritated, he was frustrated. He was frustrated with me. I knew I couldn't keep people.
"JUST TELL ME ONE THING, WHERE IS THIS EVEN GOING, TELL ME ONE THING WHERE THE FUCK DO I STAND HERE. THIS ISN'T FICTION FOR FUCK'S SAKE, WHERE DO I STAND HERE? AM I THE THIRD WHEEL HERE, WILL I BE LEFT OUT HERE IN THE CLIMAX, AM I BEING THE THIRD PERSON, THE ALTERNATIVE, THE SUBSTITUTE OF SOMEONE? AM I YOUR BACKUP PLAN THAT, IF THAT MAN IS NOT FOUND, I WILL BE THERE WITH YOU TILL THE END EVEN IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME, IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK? TELL ME OTHERWISE OR ELSE I AM LOOKING LIKE A CLEAR ASSHOLE HERE. I AM LOOKING LIKE A FUCKING BEGGAR EVERYDAY LOOKING FOR A SINGLE OUNCE OF LOVE AND AFFECTION, YOU ARE TRYING I CAN SEE BUT IT ISN'T ENOUGH DON'T YOU THINK? I AM FUCKING TIRED OF IT, YOU THINKING OF ANOTHER MAN BEING IN MY ARMS WHILE, KISSING ME WHILE EMBRACING ME, YOU WRITE ABOUT HIM STILL, YOUR EVERY BOOK IS ABOUT HIM, YOUR EVERY ARTICLE, YOUR EVERY WORD, EVERY SYLABLE IS HIM. WHY DO YOU EVEN STAY WITH ME THEN, I NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT HIM, BUT HE DID HURT YOU DIDN'T HE? IF HE HADN'T HURT YOU THEN YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE WITH ME, WHAT DID I DESERVE TO GET INTO THIS HUH, I HAVE LOVED YOU SINCE THE VERY BEGINNING BUT I CAN'T HELP IT, I FEEL BAD TOO. I GET HURT TOO, I FEEL SHATTERED READING YOUR EVERY LETTER. YOU ARE STILL HIS, THEN WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE ME? JUST LEAVE ME, DON'T HANG BY THE STRINGS OF THIS BOND BECAUSE THERE WAS NEVER ANY OF IT, YOU NEVER FELT FOR ME. I WAS THE ONLY ONE HOPING, YOU HAD WRITTEN IN ONE OF YOUR BOOKS THAT A HOPELESS PERSON DIES, I AM DYING HERE. JUST LEAVE BEFORE YOU SEE ME DEA..."
"JAVI"
I yelled as he looked at me with his unreadable eyes. I have never seen him this vulnerable, not even when his dad died in that car accident 6 months ago.
I held his hands tightly as ever as he eventually got back to his gentle self, his eyes softened and guilt was spreading through his eyeballs. He was shocked about the after-effects of his yelling, he never yelled at me, and how he screamed must be getting him killed slowly. I cupped his face as I could feel his tears smearing in my hands. Can I hurt people this much?
"You want me to go? Because I don't want to go"
I whispered and cried silently, tears were drenching my cheeks. He looked at me terrified and yet again with eyes full of hope
"I don't want you to leave me"
He pleaded as he attacked his forehead with me. I could feel his breaths fanning my lips and my nose. He was warm against my palm, I could feel his ears getting red because of guilt and embarrassment
"Look at me" I whispered as he looked at me with those beautiful eyes, but the shine was nowhere to be seen. I can never let him lose his shine.
I kissed his closed eyelids and his forehead and said
"I know I am hurting you, but I want to be with you Javi, it's not about I have nowhere to go, but I will never find my home anywhere other than you, I can never go back to that man, he hurt me, but Javi, I once loved that man more than anything, more than myself. I still do, and I will always do, but I don't need him anymore, his love wasn't corrupted, and he wasn't a bad man, but the bond we created was corrupted, it wasn't exactly toxic, it was more a forbidden kind of, we were young, we did so many mistakes and we ended up hurting each other, I can never wait for him to love me now, no I don't want to find him just so I can call it off or give it a closure. I want to be with you because you are not my backup plan, I want you because, in this entire world, I have always searched for a place where I was sure I belonged, I didn't belong to Tristan, we weren't meant to be, but you made me feel I belong here, you made me feel home, I kiss you just because I want you to get assured that I am not leaving you ever, I don't remember him sometimes and those times I wish I always get to see you come home to me, sleep beside me, hold me. I know my efforts aren't enough, but I am trying to forget a love I had for a decade. I had loved that man before I got to see him for years. I am sorry if I am hurting you by my actions, I am sorry if my hands never stop writing about him, but I have always wanted to not write about him. This is hard, so hard you can't even imagine. Javi you have loved me for more than a year now but I have loved him since I knew the word love. I am sorry if I can't move on from him in a year. Give me time, after meeting you I have always wanted to love you, I am sure I will be loving you madly in the future, but I need time for all of these, if you want me to leave, then I will..."
He smashed his lips with mine as I lost my balance trying to tackle his giant body leaning in me, I felt his kisses getting fierce as time went on, I let him, at least I can give him this confirmation that his kisses are only for me, I want to give him my everything, but this painful giant side of my heart is still Tristan's and I shiver of imaging the weight of the love I have for Tristan, how can I move on, but I have to for Javi. His hands aggressively held my waist, pulling me towards him, he almost carried me while pulling me towards him, he pulled out as I saw his eyes were still emotionless.
"I don't want you to go please...just stay. I will be more understanding. I am willing to take the risk if it's about you. I will wait for you until you fall in love with me. I love you"
He whispered to my ear and kissed my forehead, his one hand was on my jaw, caressing it as gently as ever. A soft smile spread through his lips as he looked at me with a hint of emotion sliding through those eyes
"I am sorry for yelling, I never...."
I pecked his lips, and guess what I got to experience, the iconic crinkly bunny smile that even sunk a portion of his cheeks.
"Can we stop telling the story now Mr. Boyfriend"
"Trust me it sounded so bad, like cheesy" he whispered mocking just the way I said it
I gasped and yelled
"YOU DIDN'T JUST DO THAT Javi"
He rolled his eyes but his lips were giggling so much and pulled out from our own created heaven, he ran towards the living room laughing his heart out, I ran behind him already chuckling seeing him. I could feel my heart thumping as slowly as ever after so many hours since last night. Maybe I will one day love him. He looked back at me running as fast as he could, hopping from one corner to another, his laughter echoed in our house. This is home, his laughter is home. I kept standing admiring his laugh until he stopped. I loved him, maybe not in that way, but I have always loved him as I have.