Hiraeth
As soon as we got inside, Javi took me into his arms, his heart drumming against my ribcage. It was so fast that I could feel him getting terrified in seconds. I let him wrap his muscular arms around my shoulders and bury his face on my neck, inhaling my scent. It must be sour, but he likes it. He snuggles more into me. This is the thing, he never asks for more than this, How can I have this magical man in my arms despite doing nothing but wrong with him? I have only given him distress and grief. Then how can this man rely on my warmth, which isn't even there? How were his breaths normal and swift just by embracing me, how can this man be satisfied with this little? He deserves the whole world. I can't give him the whole world. I can't give him anything other than these guilty desperate arms, or this ugly regret of me for loving someone else still, or this inconsolable heart that beats for someone so wrong. I am sorry, but he is tired of my stories. I should love him. How easy it would be to love this star-eyed boy whose dreams are engaged with me and who is already a husband to me without even uttering any vow. Who is a shelter to my depressive self, to my grieving self? He is already home to me, and for the first time, my home is someone I don't love. I wanted to feel this kind of love with Tristan, but I didn't get it. Tristan's desperate, ugly, restless body relied on those makeup-adorned dolls of his. He could never leave those intoxications which ruined his life. Whereas there is Javi, who called me beautiful when I was dying, smeared with nothing but mud and sand on the ground. When I was just trash left on the floor. I can love Javi easily. Can't I. How beautiful it would be to love a man like Javi.
To meet his skin, to caress those wishes of his, to adore his fondness, to care for his desires. To get not only devoured but worshiped by his touches, his words near my ears every single night. He sees his love getting back at him and sees his eyes glittering in utter happiness at getting a wife, a lover, and the mother of his child. His love getting devoured by me and his joy wouldn't be on his face but his eyes first.
What is it like to be a lover of Javi?
Will it be painful like Tristan's? Will he also leave me? No, he won't. My heart knows. He is a good man. Tristan is not a bad guy. But I couldn't keep up with my necessities. He couldn't keep up with my morals and my uncontrollable heart. He left it, and Javi has it now. Javi has my whole heart. I swear then, why do I have these panic attacks daily?
" I will give myself to you, Javi. I will love you, just a little bit more,"
"You don't have to, my love is enough for both of us, just don't go away from me,"
He whispered back near my ear, and I shivered by just the way he said it
My heart buzzed against the ribcage. My whole self trembled just by the weight of the sentence. He also doesn't have anyone other than me. How can I forget he found a home in me? A shelter in me. How can I forget his anxious self relies on me as well? How can I not notice this man's life is also crumpled, and I was the one doing the same? I need to take care of this star-eyed boy of mine with the fondness he needs. He also needs to feel loved.
But why do all these feel wrong? Why do all these feel fake? As if I am not myself when I am with him.
"Javi"
I whispered, and he pulled away from our hug and wiped his eyes. Those thick droplets were still falling. My tears fell automatically. I am hurting my own home. My person. Tristan wasn't meant to be mine, but Javi can be. Why can't I choose him? I looked down as he turned and started to leave.
I held his wrist and stopped him midway, I pulled him towards me as our breaths mingled. This doesn't feel right, but it is right. I need to do it for me and him as well. I need to make him believe that one day, I will be his forever.
"You are healing a part of me that wasn't broken by you,"
Ironic isn't it?
I whispered against his lips, his heart was racing so fast, his heart was on fire, Just like the Hiraeth when she was about to kiss Tristan, his eyes were just like Hiraeth, glittering and glistening, and his cheeks were warm against my palm now as I tilted my face towards him, his eyes on my lips still, his lips were quivering. His baby curls were hitting my forehead. He was pretty close. His face had those dimples when he became extremely shy and his ears were red. Tristan was the destruction of mine, and I was his.
A teardrop fell from his eyes, pulling away already, knowing I was not myself. But I don't want to be either, I want to be his Hiraeth, not any particular sun-eyed boy. I wiped his tears with my long fingers and whispered
"Can I kiss you?"
He nodded, and I simply put my lips on his. His entire self just trembled against him. The weight of desire was heavy on his shoulders, but he was barely controlling himself. I let him take control, but he was so gentle. This was our very first kiss, but I couldn't love him. I am so sorry, Javi. His lips molded and opened mine. It wasn't like Tristan's. I miss Tristan. But I can't push him away. I needed to move on. His kiss felt so lovable. How can Javi love me like that, with this much endurance just like the previous Hiraeth did to Tristan? Javi is the past version of me, and I love him for it. Maybe this love isn't something romantic, but he is my home. My shelter, my happiness if I take these steps with him. He kissed me like I was his very own. He kissed me back to life.
I wrapped my arms around him as he lifted me by capturing my waist with his arms. He is pretty with swollen lips and stars glittering on his eyes. He is happy. His smile is the reward of this kiss. He is dainty when he is pretty, so much girly. How can a muscular man be this pretty up close? The entire universe is shined by his eyes. These stars feel so real, so beautiful, and I have never seen some stars fall to earth too. His mouth is curved, and his bunny teeth are revealed. My cheeks aren't flustered, but I am happy seeing him happy. I can do this. One day, I will fall for the star, not looking at the sun. He bit his lips, and his cheeks were bright red on his milky skin. My palms are on fire by the warmth these puffy cheeks are providing. He kissed my forehead and said
"Thank you, Hiraeth."
No song is sung this time by hearing, but my name was beautiful when he said it, I loved him. I loved him so much that this love is greater than any other love in this world. He was my home, and I loved my home. But I couldn't love his desires or couldn't desire him. But I was fond of him so much that I could cry.
"I will never leave you, Javi. You are my home,"
He carried me again, this time without getting near our boundaries, we slept like two broken souls, two broken puzzles never finding their way back to the real one where we could be matched. But we were comforting each other greatly, and I will forever be grateful to sleep in his arms every night, thinking he is my home. I belong here.
This is nurturing, I have never found this kind of bond in my life, not in friendships, not in relationships. I can write about him. Words are ready to praise him to the core. But I can't
This bond is beautiful to the pit, but it lacks that spark, that thumping of hearts, that risk, that adventure, this love of ours is purely sacred and innocent. I have always wanted this kind of love. But loving Tristan rattled my body with fire streaks and my heart with extreme gut-wrenching desires and adoration. I adore Javi, but I have always wanted Tristan. I don't know if I will keep on wanting it. This all seems so confusing to me. I look at Javi sleeping beside me as a happy, satisfied man. How can I leave him helpless and shelter less? I am his home. I have to take care of this soul, too.
I am breathing for Javi, but I am living for Tristan, I am not even living for myself anymore. I am just seen as a slut to Javi perhaps because I still have feelings for the man who left me to rot. But I will always defend Tristan, I will always live for him.
I kiss Javi's forehead and call him my home.
I hope I forget Tristan.