Father, Mother, I'm sorry for being such a disappointing daughter. I'm sorry that I'm not smart, that I couldn't get straight A's on my report cards. I'm sorry I failed both my junior high and high school entrance exams. I'm sorry for being so slow-witted, for not being able to pick up on things. I'm sorry for being a complete failure, unlike my sister. Father, Mother, I'm sorry for being nothing but trouble for the past 15 years. Thank you for raising me up to this point. Please forgive me for the grief that I will cause you by leaving first. Lastly, Sister, please don't worry about me and live a happy life.
Mawari Kaya
Is this good enough? I've never written a suicide note before, so I'm not sure if this will suffice. But I don't have the will to rewrite it, so I set the pen down. Exhaling deeply, I sink into the chair, closing my eyes as I reflect on my life.
What was my life even about? Where did it all go wrong? Was it when I failed the junior high entrance exam? After that, Father suddenly changed. He wasn't the kind of person who would yell or slam things before that. But it was all because I couldn't do anything right. Ah, if only I could have been like my sister, who could do everything. But there's no point in thinking about that now. I'm different from my sister, who can do anything.
I wanted to try joining a club. I wanted to cooperate and compete with friends. But they told me that someone as stupid as me didn't have the time for that, so I couldn't. I wanted to go on the school trip too. But I did as Father said and focused on studying. I worked hard, but in the end, I couldn't get into that high school.
But it's fine now. I'm fine. There's no meaning left in this useless life of mine, and I have no will to continue living. I wonder what everyone will think when I'm gone. Will Father and Mother be sad? Will my sister be okay? But I'm sure she'll be fine. She can do anything.
Was there any point to my existence? But Father once told me, "You're just the dregs of Yuu." So maybe that was my purpose. Ah, why is this happening? I thought my tears had dried up, but they won't stop. I should be making an effort to change my situation instead of crying. I forcefully wipe away my tears with my arm and try to gather my resolve. Today is the end, so I should at least be strong in the end.
I place the letter in an envelope, leave it on the desk, and walk out of the room. No one else is home right now. My family went out to celebrate my sister winning some award. I didn't go with them, saying I wasn't feeling well. Besides, school starts tomorrow, so if I was going to die, today was the day.
I thought about various ways to go, but in the end, I couldn't come up with a good method. There's no place to hang a rope, and knives are too scary. Cutting my wrists isn't guaranteed, so I decided to jump. If I jump from a high place, it should be instantaneous, and there won't be much time to feel pain. Once I jump, there's no turning back. Fortunately, there's a gorge nearby, so if I jump from there, there's no way I'd survive.
I put on my shoes and step outside. The full moon is clearly visible tonight. Come to think of it, I haven't looked up at the sky in a long time. It's too bright here to see any other stars, but it must be a good night to die.
When I reach the bridge, there are a few cars passing by, but no pedestrians. Of course, who would come to a place like this at this hour? But that's convenient for me. I lean over the railing and look down. I can see the river far below. Well, from this height, it doesn't matter what's below. I have to go before my resolve weakens.
I grip the railing and climb over. I briefly think that I should have worn something easier to move in. And then, I throw myself over.
Ah, the full moon is receding. No matter how far I stretch out my hand, I can't reach it anymore. I thought it would be an instant fall, but there's enough time to think about this. Now that I think about it, they say time slows down before you die. But I guess I'm not going to see my life flash before my eyes. I think, detachedly. Ah, if there's a next time... No, it's fine. This is how it should be. And with that, my consciousness fades.
* * * *
"Hah, hah."
For some reason, my breathing is ragged. I struggle to calm down and start thinking again. —Right, I was supposed to have jumped. Could it be that I failed to die? Did I mess up even something like that? Tears well up in my eyes.
Then, is this a hospital? But the ceiling looks far too familiar. When I try to get up and assess my situation, I feel a strange sensation in my body. What is it? The blanket feels heavier than usual. I get out of bed, unsure of what to do.
There's no pain like I imagined, and my body isn't wrapped in bandages. However, it feels like my viewpoint is a bit lower than usual. I glance around and see my bewildered face in the mirror, but it's the face of my younger self.