This time for sure, I thought as I approached the exam. But just like before, the questions were the same. I had solved these problems over and over again. While I couldn't remember everything, I knew most of the answers, and even the questions I couldn't fully recall, I could figure out a path to the solution. All that was left was to put the answers on the answer sheet.
Yet, my hands still trembled. What if, despite all this, I still didn't pass? What would I do if I failed again? I feared those eyes—the ones that looked at me but didn't really see me, treating me as if I didn't exist.
No, I came back to change that horrible future. I returned to ensure that my family could laugh together again. I forced myself to calm down and continued with the exam.
Finally, the exam was over. Even after they collected the papers and dismissed us, I couldn't move for a while. At some point, my sister, who had been waiting for me by the gate, came over.
"You okay? You look a bit tired. Come on, let's head home."
"Y-Yeah."
With her encouragement, I finally managed to stand. I still couldn't believe it was over. Even though there was nothing more I could do, I kept thinking I could have done better. I was sure I'd done better than before, but I couldn't help worrying about whether I had passed.
"Stop making that face, Kaya. It'll be okay. Even if you don't pass, I'll be here with you."
"…Yeah. Thanks, Sis."
We walked home together. I barely remembered the walk; my sister might have been talking to me, but I was too lost in my thoughts to notice. Before I knew it, we were at the house. I was in a daze as I entered and even during dinner and my bath, my mind felt foggy.
When I finally returned to my room to sleep, I suddenly felt so exhausted that I collapsed onto the floor. It was over, finally over. I had repeated this so many times, and every time, I had failed this exam. If I didn't pass this time, there was nothing more I could do. All that was left was to pray. I tried to convince myself that I would be fine, that there was no way I could fail, but my past experiences kept contradicting that belief. What if I failed again? What if they found out I had cheated? These worries circled endlessly in my mind.
With such feelings, the day of the results came all too quickly. As usual, I went to the school with my sister to check the bulletin board.
—There it was. My number. I looked at my admission ticket and then back at the board, over and over. I couldn't believe my eyes, so I asked my sister to check as well.
"Sis, can you check if my number is really there?"
"…Yes, it's there, no mistake. Congratulations, Kaya. You did it."
"Really? This isn't a dream, right?—Ouch. So, it's not a dream."
I pinched my cheek to make sure, and it hurt. I passed. I finally passed. I couldn't believe it, but it was real.
"I did it, Sis! We can finally go to school together from junior high!"
"…Actually, I didn't pass. But anyway, congratulations. Now we can give Mom and Dad the good news."
"What?"
"Come on, we should head home now."
"Y-Yeah."
She took my hand, and we left the school. But my mind was filled with confusion. Why? She had always passed before. I shouldn't have scored high enough to make her fail. She was the kind of person who could pass 100 times out of 100. How could she not pass? Lost in these thoughts, we reached home. Still in a daze, I entered the house and returned to my room. Could this be a dream? It made more sense that my passing was a dream than her failing. But no matter how many times I pinched my cheek, I didn't wake up. It must be reality.
Time passed, and eventually, I heard my mother call me from outside my room.
"Kaya. Your father wants to talk to you in the living room."
"…Okay."
I couldn't help but feel nervous. I was so used to being scolded after this kind of thing. But this time, it should be different. I carefully descended the stairs, feeling my anxiety build with each step. When I opened the door to the living room, my parents were waiting.
"Oh, there you are, Kaya. Come, sit down."
"Yes."
I hesitated, fearing I might be scolded, but sat at the table. However, instead of the stern expression I was used to, my father's face was gentle and soft.
"You did well. I'm proud of you for getting into that school. You really are my daughter."
"You did great, Kaya. Let's have a feast tonight."
"…Thank you."
"Kaya, you don't have to cry just because you're happy."
It wasn't until my mother pointed it out that I realized I was crying. The reality of my success was finally sinking in, and I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. Finally, I had made it.
"You worked really hard. Keep it up from now on."
As my father praised me, my mother set a feast on the table.
"I'll go call Sis."
"No need. Yuu said she's going to focus on her studies from now on. Since she didn't pass, she has to work even harder."
"It's fine, Kaya. Today is about celebrating your hard work."
Was it like this for me before, too? I felt guilty towards my sister. But just for today, I hoped she would forgive me. This moment, this celebration, was something I had literally died to achieve.
That night, I slept peacefully for the first time in a long while, feeling truly happy.