One winter day, after it had become a routine to spend time with my friends, my father called me into his room.
"Kaya, have you been studying properly lately?"
As soon as I was summoned, that was the first thing he asked. It was true that recently, I'd been spending more time with friends, so my study time had decreased. But even so, I still studied during my free time since there was nothing else to do, and I had consistently maintained the top spot in my grade.
"Yes, of course. I've been studying properly."
"Don't lie to me!"
He suddenly shouted, catching me off guard. I didn't think I was lying. Even though I had less time, I was still studying, and my grades hadn't dropped. So why was he so angry?
"Your mother's acquaintance saw you hanging out with your friends, buying snacks. And I've heard that you've been playing the piano after school as well. Do you really have time for such things? Why don't you have enough sense? And to think you tried to hide it from us—it's disgraceful. Lying to your parents… Where did we go wrong raising you?"
I couldn't find the words to respond as he lashed out at me. I clenched my hands and endured it, but then he let out a heavy sigh and continued.
"No point dwelling on the past. From now on, Kaya, you are to come straight home after school. And you're also forbidden from going out on weekends. If you need reference books, I'll buy them for you. If you need anything else, I'll provide it. All you need to do is focus on your studies. Don't associate with fools from public schools. Just obey me!"
The moment he said that, I blurted out without thinking, "I don't want to."
"What did you say?"
Once the words escaped, I couldn't stop them from pouring out.
"...I don't want to. I don't want to be separated from Mai-san and the others. And they're not fools!"
As I defied him, my father's anger flared even more.
"You dare disobey your father?! Who do you think has supported you all this time?!"
"But you don't even see me, Dad. You only care about results... I was trying my best too!"
"You only have the right to say you tried your best if you succeed! If you can't follow my orders, there's no place for you in this house!"
"There never was!"
"I see. Then get out. Get out right now!"
Things escalated so quickly, and before I knew it, he had said something so final. It was the breaking point. The fragile balance I had been maintaining collapsed. Driven by the turmoil inside, I stormed out of the room, and without taking anything with me, I left the house. The rain was falling, but I didn't care.
I ran aimlessly, ignoring the curious glances of passersby. When I finally stopped, I found myself at the familiar bridge. As I caught my breath, I tried to think.
I looked back, but no one was following me. My father wasn't the only one at home; my mother was there too. But no one was chasing after me. Well, of course, they wouldn't.
I should have been feeling terrible, but instead, I found myself laughing.
"Haha… hahahaha… ha… ha…"
I finally said it. I finally told him everything I had been thinking. I had never stood up to him like that before. I never imagined I could do something like that. The words just slipped out in the heat of the moment, but they were feelings I had harbored for a long time. My world had always been so small that I couldn't see it clearly, but interacting with others had given me the perspective to finally name my feelings. The suffocating pressure I'd felt for so long, the reality I didn't want to acknowledge—I had finally admitted it. And by doing so, I had freed myself.
Despite my usual habit of coming to this bridge, I didn't feel the urge to die this time. I had come to realize there was more to life, that there was a world beyond what I had known.
Maybe I was still riding the wave of adrenaline, but for the first time, I felt like living. I turned my back on the bridge and began to walk aimlessly.
The streets were lit up with sparkling Christmas lights, making it impossible to ignore that the holiday was approaching—a holiday that had never meant anything to me. I saw families laughing together, and although it made me sad, as if they were denying my existence, I kept walking.
What would I do now? I had no idea, but the one thing I knew was that going back home was not an option. So, I kept walking.