"What is this disgraceful result?"
"I-I'm sorry."
In the first term exams of my third year in middle school, I ranked 30th. Because of that, my father was furious with me.
"At this stage, all students are supposed to be working hard for high school entrance exams and eventually college. So why can't you do the same, Kaya?"
It's not true, Dad. I am trying. I noticed that the other students, who hadn't studied much before, were now putting in more effort, so I studied harder than ever before. I really did.
"I should have never let you join that club. Quit the club and focus solely on your studies."
"W-What? But—"
"No backtalk! The reason your grades have dropped is because of your own actions. Yuu has maintained the top spot in her public middle school and has consistently scored high on national mock exams. She's even outshining you. Stop getting carried away and start catching up with her."
"…I-I understand."
Holding back my tears, I left my father's room and headed toward the living room, hoping for some comfort from my mother. Just as I was about to enter, I overheard her voice from inside. "Yuu really is the better one. It's still strange she didn't pass that high school entrance exam. Make sure you get into that prestigious high school." I withdrew my hand from the door handle, stepping back quietly so no one would notice, and returned to my room.
I buried myself under the covers, pressing my face into the pillow to stifle my sobs. Why am I such a failure? Why can't I do anything right? What should I do? In the end, was my sister always the better one? That night, I cried until I was too exhausted and fell asleep.
"Kaya, your eyes are really red. Did something happen?"
"No, I just stayed up too late studying."
"I see. Well, as long as that's all."
I lied because I didn't want her to know I had been crying. My sister had always been a bit oblivious, not noticing small things unless I pointed them out. I didn't want to worry her. I'm not sure why, but it had always been a habit of mine. Perhaps it was because of jealousy, a feeling I despised in myself, but I couldn't shake it off—it felt like the only way to protect myself.
After school, I told the advisor that I had to quit the club. She expressed her disappointment, but it didn't comfort me. What was left for me now that I had lost the piano? Feeling lost and uncertain, I returned home. Maybe if I get better grades, my father will acknowledge me again. I kept telling myself that, forcing myself to believe it. And so, I continued to study.
Time passed, whether I wanted it to or not. My sister was finally accepted into the high school I would attend, and she did it as the top student. It wasn't surprising; what had been strange was that she failed the first time. On the other hand, I couldn't recover from my slump, even in the final exams of middle school.
My mother only paid attention to my sister, treating me as an afterthought. My father told me, "I no longer have any expectations of you." They had finally given up on me. I couldn't even cry anymore. It was hopeless from the start. Somewhere deep down, I must have known that I was never truly loved. I had tried so hard to get their attention, to be loved by them. Ever since I was little, I worked and worked, producing decent results just to earn a small amount of praise.
But my sister was always better at everything. Even as a child, I could sense that she was the one who was truly loved. Still, I had admired my sister, proud of her and everything she could do. But at the same time, I knew deep down that as long as my sister existed, I would never be truly loved.
I should just give up. I need to give up on everything—on being loved, on trying so hard for it. It's impossible. The moment my sister joined me on the same path—or perhaps even before then—it was already over.
I laughed bitterly. How could I not have realized something so simple? My body felt lighter. I slipped out of the house and headed for the bridge, almost dancing as I went. I climbed onto the railing and jumped. Ah, the wind feels nice. Finally, I've been set free. It was a new moon tonight, and the darkness beneath the bridge was pitch black. It felt as though the darkness was welcoming me, and that brought me a strange kind of happiness.