In the end, I failed the exam, and once again, my father yelled at me. It was painful, but not as much as it used to be. Once I had given up, it wasn't as devastating as I expected.
So, I enrolled in a public middle school, where I spent my after-school hours playing the piano. My father had forbidden me from participating in any extracurricular activities or leisure pursuits that weren't related to studying. If I had joined a club, it would have shown up on my report card, so I asked the teachers to let me play the piano on Wednesdays and Sundays, when the wind ensemble wasn't practicing. I lied to my parents, telling them I was studying in the library. It was the first time I had ever broken a rule or lied, and it didn't feel good. As I played the piano alone in the music room, the door suddenly creaked open. I expected it to be a teacher, but it wasn't.
"So it really was you, Kaya, playing the piano."
"Mai-san? What are you doing here?"
I was surprised to see her, as I rarely encountered anyone in the music room other than the teachers. And since it was Wednesday, no clubs were scheduled, so students were supposed to be heading home.
"Well, there's been a rumor that someone was playing the piano every Wednesday, and I thought if it was true, I'd like to talk to them."
"And that's why you came?"
"Yep. We haven't talked much lately. But if I'm bothering you, I can leave. We can talk some other time."
"No, it's fine. I wanted to talk too."
She was an unusual person to seek me out like this. But since she asked, I didn't want to turn her away. Besides, in one of my previous lives, we had grown close, and since I hardly talked to anyone else now, I actually did want to chat with her. I lowered my hands from the piano and turned to face Mai-san.
"Really? Then I'll take you up on that offer."
She grabbed a chair from nearby and sat down next to the piano. I adjusted my posture to face her.
"What did you want to talk about?"
"It's not that I have something specific in mind. I just wanted to talk to you, Kaya. You always go home so quickly. What do you do when you get there?"
"…I study, I guess. There's not much else for me to do."
It was true that, except for Wednesdays, I usually went straight home. Changing my routine, even after all these lives, was difficult, and I ended up studying out of habit. Since I stopped talking to my sister, I had more time than I knew what to do with, so I filled that void by studying. At least I no longer felt the pressure I used to, so I could study at my own pace.
"I had a feeling, but you're really diligent. That's probably why you're at the top of the class."
Thanks to having gone through middle school so many times, I had a good grasp of the material and could consistently score well on tests. But I didn't feel like I was diligent at all. I was secretly playing the piano after school against my parents' wishes—what kind of a "good" student does that?
"I'm not diligent at all. I'm supposed to be at home studying right now, but here I am, breaking the rules. I'm not a good kid."
"Is that so? Well, even so, isn't that okay? It's your life, Kaya."
Mai-san's carefree response surprised me. I always thought that if I didn't meet expectations, I was a bad kid and that's why my parents had given up on me. I never even considered that it might be okay to break the rules. If only I could have…
"But I wanted to meet their expectations, and yet—"
I couldn't finish my sentence. Why was I crying again? I felt like something was wrong with me in this life. I quickly turned away, trying to hide my tears from Mai-san, but before I could, she gently pulled me into a hug, saying, "It's okay, come here." I found myself burying my face into her stomach as she stroked my back. This felt strangely familiar, like I'd been in a similar situation before. Her warmth was so comforting that I couldn't help but surrender to it.
Once I had calmed down, I suddenly felt embarrassed. Crying out of nowhere and being comforted by a classmate was humiliating.
"Um, Mai-san, I'm okay now."
"Kaya, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You need to be your own ally. Of course, I'm on your side too."
"...Thank you."
"Kaya, do you like studying?"
"...Are we really going to have this conversation in this position?"
I asked, but before I knew it, she had gently shifted me so that my head was resting on her lap, and I was lying down. I tried to get up, but she softly held me in place, stroking my hair with a gentle smile, so I stayed where I was.
"I don't particularly like studying."
"Do you like playing the piano?"
"Yes, I think I do."
I didn't understand the purpose of her questions, but I answered honestly. Her fingers brushing through my hair felt a bit ticklish.
"Do you know why you like it? Why you started to love playing the piano?"
That was a difficult question. Why did I love the piano? It wasn't easy to put into words. Was it because when I played, I could forget everything else and focus solely on the music? No, that wasn't it at the beginning. At first, it was because…
"I think it's because I felt recognized… Yes, that's probably it."
The moment I truly started loving the piano was when I felt acknowledged for playing it.