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We were taught many things, and in everything, my sister always surpassed me. Naturally, it was my sister who received most of the praise from our family and teachers. Even at a young age, I realized I was always overlooked. I loved my sister and was proud of how capable she was, but my heart felt differently. I wanted to be praised too—not as an afterthought to my sister.
That day was the day of the piano recital. Besides my piano teacher, my mother, who usually wasn't there, had also come to watch. My sister performed flawlessly, even to my young ears, and received a lot of applause. While I admired her, I couldn't help but feel like I could never measure up. When it was my turn, I tried my best, but I made a few mistakes.
After all the performances were over, my sister was awarded the top prize. When I went to join my mother, as expected, she was busy praising my sister. While I stood a little apart, listening, my teacher came over to talk to me.
"Good job. That was a lovely performance."
"But my sister's was better, wasn't it?"
I replied sulkily, but my teacher just smiled and said,
"Music isn't really about comparing yourself to others. And truthfully, I preferred your performance, Kaya."
She lowered her voice, as if sharing a secret with me. But I couldn't believe her.
"That's not true. I made mistakes."
"It is true. Of course, it's best to play without mistakes, but that's not all that matters. I believe music is a means of expressing emotions."
"Expressing emotions?"
"Yes. And in that regard, I think your sister's performance perfectly conveyed the emotions of the composer. But your performance, Kaya, carried your own emotions into the piece. That's how it sounded to me. So, I thought your performance was more 'you,' and that's why I liked it. You did really well. Good job."
"...Thank you."
Those words made me genuinely happy. Looking back, I understand now—I felt recognized for my efforts, and that's why it meant so much to me. That's when I truly began to love the piano. It would take me a little longer to realize that music isn't about comparisons, as my teacher had said, but I had finally found something I could do better than my sister. In the end, I quit many of my other activities in the fourth grade to focus on my studies, but the piano remained my emotional support.
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"I think I started loving the piano because I was recognized, because I was praised. As I gradually began to express myself through the music, I grew to love it even more."
After I finished explaining, Mai-san looked at me with a gentle expression.
"I see. So, can you play something you like for me? It can be the piece you were playing earlier—I'd love to hear it, Kaya."
"…Alright."
I felt embarrassed about how I had behaved earlier, so I wanted to express my gratitude through my music. I sat up, turned to the piano, and let my fingers glide over the keys. As I became absorbed in the music, I didn't even realize when I had finished.
"...Wow! That was amazing. I was completely captivated. What's the name of the piece?"
"This is Beethoven's Piano Sonata No. 14, commonly known as the 'Moonlight Sonata.'"
"Oh, so this is the Moonlight Sonata. I've heard of it before, but I think this is the first time I've actually heard the piece."
It seemed she liked it.
"Kaya, if it's alright with you, can I come and listen again next week?"
"Of course. And we can chat some more, too."
"Sounds good. Hey, can I hear more right now?"
"Sure. How about this one next?"
We spent the time playing and chatting, and before we knew it, it was time to go home. We agreed to meet again next week.
After that, Mai-san came to the music room almost every week. We talked about various things, and I played the piano for her. Gradually, we started talking more during school as well. Because of this, I began making friends with other classmates too. Before, I used to go straight home after school to study. But since I no longer saw a reason to rush home, I started staying after school to chat with Mai-san, and that's when other classmates began talking to me. With Mai-san's help, I managed to become friends with them.
I spent my afternoons after school hanging out, trying snacks, or going to karaoke on weekends. My life had become more fun and exciting than ever before. But even so, I felt a sense of emptiness. I knew I shouldn't want more, but when I listened to my friends talk about spending time with their families, going to amusement parks or shopping together, I couldn't help but wish for the same. Even though I knew it was something beyond my reach.