I don't remember how I got back home. My sister seemed to be talking to me, but I couldn't even muster a response. Why? Why did I fail after studying so hard? Why, why? Still unable to accept the reality, I curled up on my bed, sobbing uncontrollably. As I lay there, endlessly lamenting alone in my room, my mother called out to me.
"Kaya, your father wants to talk to you. Come downstairs."
When had it become night? I was so dazed that I'd lost track of time. To be honest, I didn't want to go. I hadn't recovered from the shock of failing. But then I thought, maybe my father, who had always supported me, would encourage me. With that hope, I forced my heavy body to move and went downstairs.
It seemed that the talk wasn't going to be in the living room, but in my father's room. It had been a long time since I last stood in front of his door.
"Father, it's Kaya. May I come in?"
"Come in."
I called out from outside and got permission to enter. As I stepped in, I could faintly smell the scent of books. Everywhere I looked, there were bookshelves lined with books. My father was sitting in a chair by his desk, seemingly waiting for me. On the desk were his computer and books, just like when he occasionally worked from home.
"Kaya, it seems you didn't pass."
"Yes. Even though I worked so hard, I didn't pass."
I had sacrificed everything to study, but still, I couldn't reach my goal. I was devastated, and all I wanted was for someone to comfort me. That's why I ended up saying something that sounded like an excuse.
"Worked hard? That's something you can only say when you have the results to show for it."
"Huh?"
The words were so different from what I had expected—or rather, hoped for—that I couldn't comprehend what my father was saying for a moment.
"How could you not pass? You're my daughter! Why can't you do it? I provided you with the perfect environment to focus on your studies, yet why? Yuu passed just fine!"
He slammed his hand on the desk as he spoke. What's happening, Father? You're scaring me, you're terrifying.
"I-I'm sorry."
"Do you think an apology is enough? I'm angry because I care about you. I don't want you to struggle like I did."
Just as suddenly as he had yelled at me, his tone softened, and he spoke as if he was genuinely worried about me from the bottom of his heart.
"Y-yes."
"Do you really understand? Well, there's no point in lamenting. Next is the high school entrance exam. Even though it's an integrated middle and high school, you can still get in from high school. If you pass, it will give you an advantage for university exams, and ultimately, it will lead to a better life for you, Kaya. Study like your life depends on it this time, so you'll definitely pass! Understand?"
"…Yes, I understand."
"If you understand, go back to your room and start studying immediately. You're already behind your peers. If you don't study several times harder than everyone else, you'll never catch up."
With unsteady steps, I returned to my room. I have to study. I have to study, or else—I understand that in my head, but tears still flowed uncontrollably. My father said those things because he cares about me. But I, I just wanted someone to comfort me. I just wanted to hear a simple "You did well" or "You tried hard." My heart was in turmoil, and no matter how much I wiped them away, the tears wouldn't stop. To muffle the sound of my sobs, I pressed my face into the pillow and cried.
At some point, I must have fallen asleep. When I looked at the clock, I realized that three hours had passed. But maybe because I had slept, I had managed to sort out my feelings somewhat. My father only acted like that because I couldn't meet his expectations. If I had been able to meet those expectations, he wouldn't have had to say those things. It's all my fault. It's because I didn't pass, because I couldn't live up to his expectations.
From now on, I'll study even harder and make sure I pass next time. If I do that, Father will surely be kind like he used to be. I vowed to myself as I sat down at my desk, my vision still a bit blurred.