Time passed mercilessly, and my family's treatment of me worsened day by day. Although I attended a regular public middle school, I couldn't even rank first in my grade. Meanwhile, my sister became the top student in her grade at one of the top high schools in the prefecture. Because of this, my father often scolded me, and my mother treated me as if I didn't exist. The difference in how they treated my sister and me was glaringly obvious. My sister was the only one who continued to treat me the way she always had, but I found it difficult to maintain the same closeness with her, and gradually, a distance grew between us.
Desperate to regain my parents' attention, I threw myself into studying once again. Then, the fateful day of the exam results arrived. Please let me pass, I silently prayed as I checked the results, but I had failed again. Once more, I had failed to meet their expectations.
When I informed my parents, my father said only one thing: "I no longer have any expectations of you." At that moment, something inside me broke completely. All the effort I had put in to earn their approval had been for nothing.
Crouching alone in my room, unable even to cry, a thought suddenly crossed my mind. It felt like I had been in this situation before. As I tried hard to recall the memory, it hit me—this was just like the nightmare I had once. It was exactly the same. So, in the end, I ended up like this after all.
Driven by this realization, I found myself writing a suicide note as if compelled by something. After finishing the note, I placed it in an envelope and left the house alone in the middle of the night, making sure no one noticed. I headed for the bridge. When I looked up at the sky, I saw a slightly waning moon. I think it was a beautiful full moon that night before. I thought it would have been better to die under a full moon, but it was too late for that now—I couldn't turn back.
As before, the area was deserted, and nothing stopped me as I climbed over the railing. With only a slight lingering regret, I threw myself off the bridge. Even though it was foolish, I found myself clinging to a "what if."
As the moon receded into the distance, I instinctively reached out my hand. I knew I couldn't reach it, but still, it felt closer than the sun. After a distant, dull thud, my arm lost its strength, and I succumbed to gravity, falling to the ground.
* * * *
"Hah!"
And then, my consciousness snapped back. I opened my eyes to see the ceiling I was so used to seeing. I calmed my unnaturally rapid heartbeat and assessed the situation. Looking around, I realized that this wasn't a hospital—it was my room. And it was three years ago, back when I was in the sixth grade. What's going on? I jumped off that bridge, and from that height... Wait, this feeling—I've experienced this before. Didn't I have a similar sensation when I thought I had that nightmare before the junior high entrance exams?
Yes, I had convinced myself that it was just a nightmare before the exams. But despite my efforts to avoid that fate, I failed both the junior high and high school entrance exams and jumped off the bridge. Have I had another nightmare? As I struggled to make sense of things, I heard my mother call out from downstairs, "You two, hurry up and get down here." Her voice, which sounded much softer than usual, was definitely the one I remembered. Even though something felt off, I quickly dressed and headed downstairs, knowing I couldn't be late for school.
When I reached the first floor, there was my father reading the morning paper and my mother preparing breakfast—the same familiar scene I often saw.
"Is Sis still not up?"
"No, she isn't. Could you wake her up once you've finished eating?"
"Okay."
As I thought, everything was the same as before. My sister waking up later than me was such a rare occurrence that it might only happen once a year. But for now, I decided to put these thoughts aside, finish breakfast, and go wake her up.
After saying thanks for the meal, I went upstairs to wake my sister. It felt like it had been ages since I last entered her room.
"Sis, are you awake? I'm coming in."
Opening the door, I saw that she was still asleep. I approached her bed to wake her.
"It's morning already. Come on, you need to get up."
"Huh? Oh, Kaya… why are you here?"
"You weren't waking up, so I came to get you. Hurry up and get ready and come down for breakfast."
Since my sister was now awake, I returned to my room to finish getting ready. I grabbed my schoolbag and headed downstairs. I had forgotten just how heavy a schoolbag could feel. While drinking some tea and waiting for my sister to finish her preparations, my father spoke to me again.
"Kaya, how's your studying going?"
"Ah… it's going fine."
"I see. Keep up the good work."
"Yes."
I had intended to respond more confidently, but I ended up feeling nervous and couldn't answer properly. The cause was likely that dream, but for now, I pushed it to the back of my mind, deciding to think about it later when I was calmer.
After finishing our preparations, my sister and I headed to school together. Despite that, I couldn't stop thinking about this strange feeling. As I was lost in thought, my sister shook my shoulder.
"Hey, Kaya."
"Huh? What is it, Sis?"
"'What is it?' you say… I've been calling you for a while, and you've been ignoring me."
It seemed that I had been so deep in thought that I hadn't noticed her talking to me.
I had unintentionally ignored my sister, so I decided to think about today's events once I got home.
After another day of school, I returned home and went back to my room. I knew I should study, but I couldn't focus in my current state. I needed to sort things out first. As far as I could recall, I had failed both the junior high and high school entrance exams and then jumped off that bridge. But when I came to, I found myself awake today. I felt like I had heard today's lessons before, and from what I remembered, today was also the day I had woken up from that nightmare. —Could it be that I'm reliving my life, stuck in some kind of loop?
If that's the case, it would explain a lot. Throughout the day, I kept experiencing déjà vu. If this is my second time living this life, it all makes sense. Or maybe this is the third time. I thought I had just had a nightmare the first time, but perhaps I had actually been reliving my life. I don't know why, but this must be a chance that God has given me. If so, I can't waste it. This time, no matter what, I must work hard to live up to my parents' expectations.