Recent destruction in our mindset held us from getting each other together, or rather, we took a break from each other for the time being. Just glancing at Ralph, I could guess what he was going through and the things that were happening around him. Ralph started getting distracted, and that's not going to end well. Asher kept his word and played his cards.
I couldn't deny the fact that I was stuck. Well, it was not because of Asher's threat, partly though, but not completely. I don't know what exactly was going on between me and Ralph. Should I talk to him like what? Let's date once again and take the bloody risk for the second time.
My policy is not to involve dick in the work environment was bloody perfect why the hell didn't I stick to the same. I shouldn't have given in so easily and most importantly should have stopped after a one-night stand.
Everything was in order in my life; every goddamn thing now it's once again going to be disruptive thanks to my dick, the bloody seducer, and the bastard who swore to ruin everyone's life. I don't want to get involved once again and invite the shitty things with open arms. One taste of betrayal is fucking enough to conclude things, and I am so done with pulling and playing with damn emotions of mine.
I don't want emotional trauma and to start hating things around me. Why can't I wrap my mind around just fucking and not digging out anything beyond it or proposing something and in return inviting something else in later days? Oh boy, my life is mega serial. One is messing with my feelings, and another is threatening now and then. I don't want to run around the circle.
My cell started ringing, and when I saw the caller ID for the first time, I was hesitant to receive the call. I want to speak to him so badly about everything, but I am not going to like the conversation for sure. Ralph invited me over, and after agreeing, I disconnected the call.
The fear and the Asher's words lingered in my mind as I made my way toward Ralph's house.
Ralph opened the door with a broad smile and let me in. He was sipping the beer and offered me one. I happily started sipping the same somewhere, praying for no changes to take over, at least for a decade. One can dream, right?
Ralph leaned on my shoulder. My damn heart started beating in the same rhythm as it had been beaten in my teen years when I saw him for the first time but why the hell I was startled for a few seconds. Damn this alcohol doesn't make anyone stronger it's just a bloody myth. My right hand started caressing his hair.
"I am all ears if you want to; you know, remove your frustration or something." He chuckled. "It feels like re-creating our teenage days with a little tad bit of change." I want to pour, like a lot of changes, not a tad bit. My frustration or the flood that was going through my mind definitely could wait.
"What are you going to do?" Beating around the bush is a waste of time. I am desperate for exactly what. To give a full stop to every damn thing that was going on. Or? I am not even able to frame the sentence of what I want to hear exactly.
"I don't know. You tell me what I should do?" I was shocked by this unexpected question. Didn't expect. "Why are you asking me? Your life, you know exactly what you want in your life, right?" "Yeah, no denying that still I want your input. What do you want me to do?" Ralph was staring at me, and I don't know why, but I couldn't meet his gaze. "I don't know your wish." In return, he chuckled, and it was odd, like pointing something. "Some things have not changed in you." "What do you mean?"
"Ignore. Let me rephrase my question. If we were dating now, what would you suggest for me to do or what would you do?" Why are things confusing all of a sudden? "I am confused." "Is it that hard? Think we are not just fucking but seeing each other. So, what would you suggest or do? Your adult version answer." Standing up for something you want against power and money. Is it worth taking the risk? Same old me questioning the same thing, and I know what my answer would be. He is worth everything, but what about my future and that bastard Asher? What if he targets me and destroys whatever I have built till now? "Why are you silent? Is it that hard to answer?" I was in a daze. The teen scenario re-created seeking an adult answer. How does his decision depend on my answer? Whatever he had with Asher is completely different from what he had with me, right? "Have you by any chance met Asher or vice versa?" Once again, I was startled. How? Why is he asking this question? I don't think that bastard would sprout something like this to him. "What made you think that?" "As I said, something never changed in you." "I am not getting it. Can you elaborate?" "You haven't answered me yet." I sighed. "Is my answer, by any chance, going to influence your decision?" "That depends on what you're going to answer." I was confused like hell. What the hell?
"It's your life, right? I mean, you know what you want better than anyone else. I think I would never intervene in your decision if we were together too." "Well, thank you. I needed to hear to clear something." "What do you mean?" "I think I am going to give Asher another chance, and I pray that he never makes me regret my decision."
I don't know what to reply to that. Is he gone mad giving chances to the person who fucking betrayed twice? His life and his history are blindfolding him every fucking time.
"Are you sure? I mean considering the past." "He knows me very well and started playing his tricks. I don't know what I want to do exactly, but our families and a few friends are telling me to give him another last chance." "Well, fuck them. Tell me what you want." "I don't know, blank. I want to strongly oppose everything and stand my ground forever, but I am not finding any reason to do it. My parents think that I am stuck where I was because of the breakup, and I don't know how far it's true. Granted, I never dated, but I was happy. Maybe I am stuck because of him." By chuckling, he leaned on the couch, and I was staring at his face, and so many commotions were going on in my head.
"You should think over it." "You told me that was my life and shit things, right?" "Yeah, that too, but." "Forget it. I don't know. I will think for a few more days, and I am going to tell my decision to my family." "Hmmm." This feels like a second breakup without dating each other. He is getting back to that bastard who fucking always ruins the given chance, and this idiot is thinking of giving him a bloody chance. What is wrong with these people?
"I don't want the same thing to repeat in your damn life. He is a bloody, self-centered maniac and will ever be. Just think over it." "Of course he is." Still, he is thinking of giving another chance to him. "Are you already fallen?" "No, but he swore to make me fall again and he is going to do everything." "Still." "What do you want me to do?" Let's date again. Do I dare to say that aloud? Jeopardizing every damn thing in my life. On top of that, will I be able to hold him forever? What about that bastard? He will keep on coming back to fuck up things between us and again I will be left alone and betrayed.
"I made up my mind, so let's give a break to this topic, shall we?"
I closed my eyes, and my mind drifted to my college days. It was a weekday, and I was late to the college as I was baking a cake for Ralph. After entering the campus, I was desperate to see his reaction, so I started searching for him, but I couldn't find him anywhere. After reaching the college every day, he would text me, and today I received his text stating the same. I didn't dwell much and started attending the rest of the classes. What triggered me the most was that he didn't attend any of the classes till evening.
I inquired with his friends, and I received aloof answers. Once again, I started searching for him, and at last, I found him with Asher kissing at the parking lot. I should have returned, but my legs dragged me to where they were. I hid behind the wall and watched the scene shamelessly. I caught them redhandedly. I should have questioned Ralph, but at that point, I didn't.
It went for a few seconds and was not forceful. When they broke the kiss, Ralph was startled for a few seconds, but Asher didn't let him react as he hugged him tightly and Ralph hugged him back. To that day, I never thought there were things that would trigger me emotionally, but something did, and it was a boy. I was too numb to react to anything at the moment, and my breathing started to get heavy. I collapsed on the same spot. My surroundings became blurred by the time I regained my composure; both were gone.
I don't know what to do or how to react. It's been only a few months of dating, and it hurts like anything. Should I discuss this with Ralph or act as if nothing happened?
The next day I acted as if everything was normal, but Ralph was not meeting my eyes no matter what. He didn't avoid me or behave differently, but he was guilty of what he did. I was getting, but I didn't question him anything or what I witnessed. I completely tried to erase everything from my mind. Was this the right thing to do? I don't know, maybe for my peace of mind.
Things were back to normal, but not Ralph. He was distracted by something, and I knew the reason behind it. Ralph was behaving at his best when he was with me, trying to act like everything was normal. So many times, he would open his mouth to speak something but never utter a word other than normal words. I was too cowardly to discuss anything, so I never forced him to open up. As shitty as it sounds, I wanted to work out between us.
I never thought my ignorance would lead them to the make-out session, and I would witness it once again. My thinking was if I ignored things, they would vanish just like that, but I proved wrong. How things led to this level I don't know, but they were making out at one of the parties. This time Asher noticed my presence and deepened what he was doing with Ralph. I forcefully shut the door and started walking out of the place. Ralph was behind me, but he couldn't catch me.
After the weekend, we were back at the college. After exchanging our hi's, we entered the class and all the time Ralph was tailing me like I would disappear any moment. How I acted like everything was normal was beyond me, but I did. Being blind in love or something too cowardly to hear anything.
The whole day Ralph didn't leave my side, and whenever he was trying to speak, I would always change the topic. I was successful too. He tried for a few days, but I didn't show any interest in discussing it; eventually, he gave up. I thought everything was back to normal, but one day out of the blue, Ralph suggested that we should take a temporary break from each other, and I knew it was going to be permanent.
I didn't know what hurt me so much, whether ignoring his cheating behind my back or the fact he broke up with me. I didn't treat him differently; my love for him was always the same, but he still broke my heart. I forgave and forgot everything where the hell I went wrong. When he said his final goodbye, it ached all over, and most of the pain was taken from my heart. I was never this pathetic when the doctor informed me that my dad was going to be bedridden permanently. It didn't affect me much; I had my mom by my side, and now I felt completely empty. I was a cold-hearted guy; getting something out of me was very hard, and I chose to open up just to get betrayed in return. Emotional investment sucks everything out of you and leaves you drain.
Today I am feeling the same, but our label is fuckbuddies. In fact, we were doing just that, and still, I am going through the same without being in a relationship. How come? I end up going through the same. How come? Everything is re-created; how come? I was fucking over through those emotional traumas, but still, my heart is involved and taking most of it. How come? That bastard is keeping his word again. How come? I ended up on the same path where I swore not to turn back. How come?
Unintentionally, Ralph stirs everything in me I should have fucking known before entering this shitty thing.