I should have never visited her—the only thought that came to my mind when I was sitting in the hall while my mom was cleaning the table. "You want tea?" Right. "No, thank you." After a few minutes, she joined me. I was checking my cell after this blow, and I dared to open my mouth in front of her. I wanted this day to end already and no more speeches.
"So." "Won't you spare me for the day?" She chuckled. "Was Ralph not worth fighting?"
There we go again, Ralph. I gave it some thought. Before a few months, I was proud of myself by thinking that I had overcome Ralph and his betrayal. Suddenly, he was in front of me offering sex, which I grabbed without wasting a second. I wanted badly to think it was only sex between us, nothing about our past lurking between us. It was sex I always said to myself to make up my mind and to keep my feelings at bay. I was not successful; there was nothing, and the attachment wasn't faded. I was stupid to give in to lust.
Once again, Asher was in the picture, and everything felt the same.
His threats and my fear.
Was not Ralph worth fighting?
"Reece." "I don't know. He is definitely, but I couldn't stand a chance, I guess. I don't know." "At least you could have tried?" I wanted to retribute by saying that I tried and didn't work out but somehow, I didn't feel my answer was genuine enough.
"By pledging everything, please be practical. I have seen you suffer; my penny earnings were not that much worth, I know, but still, you didn't complain nor force me to do anything. As we were poor, you did your best by enduring everything. I didn't want that life where we needed to think a thousand times about what if. I wanted a secure future, especially for you, and earning money was my main priority. I couldn't compromise my goal for anything, not even for Ralph. I wanted our future to be secure, and I don't know if choosing my path is the right decision or not."
I was tired and emotionally distressed. Everything about him pulls out everything in me, damn him. I never questioned these things, as my path was clear, securing the future, but now I really hate my mom for bringing everything up. "You should have at least spoken with Ralph about whatever you were going through." Which only fueled my anger. "He was very attached to his ex, so talking would not bring any solution." "You should have tried." "Mom, please stop. Why are you doing this? If I had compromised my future, what if Ralph chose Asher over me? What then. Yeah, it could be vice versa too, but they have history, and I am damn sure that bastard would never let me win."
We were silent, and I knew she was so desperate to prove her statement. "How did you know? I mean, I never told you about Ralph." "I was busy; that doesn't mean I was not keeping an eye on whatever you were doing." "Oh." "Now at least give up and move on, will you?" "Yeah, when my future is secure, then I will think of dating someone." "We both know that's totally a lie; you are just finding reasons; that's it. You are stuck; accept it." "No, Mom, I am not." "I know you better." "We both should agree it's late for everything. I didn't even enter a battle already; I lost it." "Because you didn't even give it a try." I groaned. "Please stop it; they are already dating again; you know very well. I never stood a chance. I was blessed with a few months with him, and that's enough." "Look at you talking all emotional." "I hate to admit it, but Ralph's name itself is enough to dig out everything."
Why I don't think of my past or any other thing about Ralph because of this. He always makes me weak. Again, these bloody dating rumors about them make me think of thousands of things. "Try to be brave next time." She was soothing my back. She didn't get my point, nor did I get her point. I explained everything still; she thought I was wrong and my decision. How? If I talked, what could possibly change? He couldn't stop that bastard even with his power and money. Not to forget their families are close allies and everything. I am not assuming things; I am being bloody practical. No one gets me, not even my mom.
"I think it's time I will take my leave." "Are you not staying?" "You drained enough, Mom, and I need a break from you, ok? Take care, love you."
I was about to turn and leave when she held my hand. No, no, no I am done with this bullshit. I didn't turn around because I was fucking afraid of her. "Reece, please don't ever be a coward in the future; just go after what you want rather than giving and finding reasons. Please promise me that?"
I was lost for words stuck on the spot. My breathing caught on my throat, and what she said made me numb. Tears were threatening; this never happened, not when my dad was bedridden or when I lost him. I was on the verge of tears over a simple sentence that was totally bullshit. That was bullshit, right?
I was not that definitely not. I am not a coward.
I yanked my hand with force; I didn't even turn and ran from there without turning back. My steps were heavy, but somehow, I managed to get into the car. I tried to breathe slowly, but it was not easy. I exhaled and inhaled a few times till I was normal, and I started breathing normally.
What the hell was that? The first time my emotions were triggered. I was on the verge of tears, but I never thought water droplets would come out. I felt wet on the side eye, but never flowed; I guess it was the starting stage. This is not happening; I never planned this. I am turning into an emotional fool, which I even dare to dream of.
I started the engine. I overseeded, and again, it was the first time within an hour I was in my flat. By changing hastily, I lay on the bed. The word coward was making me furious. Nothing was wrong with dreaming of the future and taking determined steps to achieve the same. Yes, the path was not easy, and there were lots of hurdles. I overstepped or didn't give preference, but that doesn't mean I am a bloody coward. Her sentence doesn't make sense. I wanted a secure life. I wanted our lives to be secured; I didn't want her to end up like my dad. I don't want to think a hundred times in respect of money what was wrong with that.
I wanted us a bloody secure life and a powerful future with money for me. What the hell was wrong with dreaming and doing everything to succeed the same? My decision was right; I couldn't jeopardize anything, and I am definitely ok with how I am leading my life.
Ralph, I wish I would risk everything for him irrespective of the consequences, and again, was it worth it? Of course, he is worth everything, but what about me?
It was past midnight, and I couldn't sleep. No matter how much I convince myself with the reasons the word coward is lurking and mocking me. I wasn't, and I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs till the word wiped off my head. The glimpse of tears in my eyes is a peek at how I am changing, and I loathe this change.
I was strong, kept my goal straight, and made sure nothing stopped me from reaching what I was carving for, nothing was wrong with it, right? I need to make some sacrifices, and we can't have everything. Ralph is one of them.
I was late when I reached the company, as I was busy reasoning everything out and consoling. Am I successful? For now, yes. After reaching, I was buried in work. Oh boy, I needed this no disturbing thoughts.
It was past 11 a.m. I wanted to stretch out, so I got up to grab a cup of coffee. I was sipping the coffee and watching the city. As usual, it was beautiful, especially where I was standing; the view was captivating. See, to get this captivating view, where I was standing matters, and I was standing at the top. I sighed when I got one more reason to soothe myself. Just one word swore to crush me like anything.
Ralph's car stopped in front of the company, and he got down with a huge smile on his face. I was irritated; the whole soothing thing was crushed by that smile, and my reasons were crumbled and straight away made their way to the dustbin. Great.
I was frustrated; I started losing my composure because of that smile. I am not the reason behind that smile was one thing, and that jerk was the other reason. I want that smile to leave him, and at the same time, I don't want him to suffer. What the hell is wrong with me? I made my fucking choice, and I don't have any right to get annoyed.
The coffee cup was squeezed without my knowledge, and I am afraid I would snap anytime. I ran toward the washroom. I needed my focus for the whole day, and the way things were going, I would lose control of myself. I splashed water a few times, but nothing worked. I tried another few times somewhat, and I was ok. It was just a fucking smile for fuck sake. Get hold. I was telling myself, but the image is turned into taunting.
Nothing mattered, I reasoned. He wouldn't choose me; he would always crawl back to that bastard; it was enough to get my posture back, but I couldn't get over the same smile.