Nasa byahe na kami para pumasok ulit sa paaralan. As usual, I look outside the car window. I am just wearing a white shirt with a print on it that says 'Canada' with the maple leaf on its side. Elle is wearing a white shirt, too. Also, from Canada but with a different print. It was given to us by our aunt leaving in Canada.
Nadaanan namin ang Vista mall bago makarating sa BHC which is our school. Lolo Ryan entered the school once again and I saw the logo of the school and its name before we entered the arch entrance. It says 'Bataan Heroes Memorial College'. Lolo Ryan parked the car, also closing the engine. He unlocked the doors and we went down.
"Thank you po, Lolo Ryan! Ingat po sa byahe!" pamamaalam ko.
"Magpapa-text na lang ako kay Raniel kung anong oras kayo susunduin at baka ang iba sa inyo ay may agenda pa after ng classes."
Tinanguan namin siya at kumaway na lang habang sinarado na ni Kuya Ranran ang pintuan sa shotgun seat. Umalis na rin si Lolo Ryan pagakatapus 'nun at kami ay pumunta na sa mga silid namin.
Third day and nilipat kami ng upuan. Katabi ko sa kaliwa si Lexie; sa kanan si Ellenie; sa likod si Rain; at sa harapan si Riel. Well, I just shrugged my shoulders when I realized that I'm not close with the other three.
Wala akong ibang ginawa kung hindi mag-code nang mag-code sa pocket notebook ko. I don't have anything to do except for that because I'm not close with any of the three around me except for my sister who has her own world, too.
Napansin kong kinakausap ni Ash si Rain kaya naman napatingin na rin ako. May ginagawa din siyang code katulad namin kaya nakihalubilo na din kami. I'm not an extrovert but I think I need to use my strength on speaking to interact with the others. That's my strength for myself and the confidence that was given to me by my former English teacher in my previous school.
"Mahilig ka din sa codes?" I asked her which made her head turn to my side. Her eyes scream confusion why I asked her but nods after a minute. I gave her a small smile after that. Elle also went to us and yes, this is how my twin sister acts when I have already talked to someone and they have talked back to me. She will just interact with the others after I have already interacted with them. She's really an extrovert.
"Wow paano 'yan? Baka naman turuan mo ako, Rain," sambit ni Ash.
Naging interesado ah.
"Madali lang 'to, " sambit ni Rain at tinuruan si Ash.
It's just the Ceasar Cipher with the shift of three. Sometimes, she is using it with the shift of four. It's a cipher that was used in the military to protect messages from enemies. If you are going to use it with the shift of three, you just need to list the alphabet letters A to Z without the letter Ñ and replace the letter C with the letter A. And so on, replace the other alphabets coming after letter with the letters coming after letter A.
Nagkakasundo na kaming apat nang dumating ang isang babae. Tinanong ko kung anong pangalan niya pero inirapan niya lang ako.
Attitude ka, girl? Ako kaya magtaray sayo? I rolled my eyes.
I tried asking again and thank, God, she answered me in my preferred way.
"Itatanong ko ulit. Anong pangalan mo?" I asked feeling a little bit awkward.
"Mariel ang name ko," sagot niya.
Nang tumagal ay okay na rin ang pakikipag-usap niya sa akin. I think ganun lang talaga siya, but I can handle her. I also have that attitude but much worst.
Maya-maya pa ay dumating na ang adviser namin at pinapapunta na kami sa SHS Building para daw sa pagpapagawa ng ID. Kasama namin si Ash kasi nawala raw ang ID niya last year. Kasama na din namin si Kuya Ranran at si Ate Eri. Kasama din namin sina Rain at Abegail, mga bago rin sila kaya kasama namin. Abegail was the girl who was also late in the first day of school, next to Jason.
Si Ash ang nauna sa aming pumasok sa loob ng isang room for the photoshoot for the ID. Habang naghihintay kami para sa tawag nila para sa susunod na papasok sa loob, naglaro muna kami ng Jack and Split. It's a game where two people have their left foot on the back of their right heels and the right foot will be the one sliding to the front when you lost in the game Jack en Poy. Basically, you'll split when you lost and the other person must move their right foot at the back of their left heel. Lagi akong panalo dahil kayang kaya ko naman ang splits. Well, that means I lost every round of the Jack en Poy.
Halos lahat ng naroon ay namamangha kapag nakaka-split ako. I'm in Grade 8 already but I can do splits smoothly, but just side splits. Since nagsimula kasi ang menstruation ko, I didn't do the center splits na, because it hurts and I feel my legs will be torn apart if I do that. Also, I'm getting conscious of my body.
After ilang rounds ng Jack and Split namin ay bumukas na ang pintuan sa silid na pinasukan ni Ash at ako na ang sumunod na pumasok sa loob. There's staffs inside and I gave them the paper they gave to us in advance. Nagbigay ulit sila ng panibagong papel sa akin and it's a bond paper with numbers on it. I don't know what for but it has the numbers '465'. After they took several shots, they already allowed me to go outside and call for the next one. When we finished, we returned to our classroom. The day ended smoothly with a chill atmosphere. Hindi pa naman marami-rami ang classes. Inasikaso muna kasi ang mga baguhan katulad namin.
Still on my comfort zone, nakikipagdaldalan na lang ulit ako kala Rain. We became friends the day we talked about codes. Abegail also went with us.
"Anong kaibahan niyo ng kambal mo? Nakakalito kasi kayo, eh," tanong ni Rain and I smile a little. Yeah, they cannot differentiate us until now.
"Puyo. Sa akin, isa. Sa kanya, dalawa," sagot ni Elle.
"Ha? Ano? Hahanapin pa natin puyo niyo para malaman natin kung sino si Elle at Ella? Ganun?" Rain joked.
In the past few days, we hardly got along with our classmates. Especially, for me and especially, with the boys. It was really hard to interact with them. They have their own world. But Ash was an exemption. Also, the others tried to make me laugh but I'm too composed and was not having it. I really don't have the guts to laugh at lame jokes or lame videos like the video na pinakita nila sila sa akin na nakakatawa raw na sumasayaw na crocodile. Elle laughed. Ash laughed. Abegail and Rain also laughed.
And me? I didn't. I think most of them laughed and I really didn't. 'Yung iba, they're telling me convincing things para tumawa ako. If that's on business, gagana 'yon. But I'm not that kind of business. I don't know. Maybe my heart really was affected after all.
They try and try until they gave up frustrated and just returned to their seats.
"Hindi ka talaga natawa, Ella?" rinig kong tanong ni Lexie sa akin. She has long straight black hair with a few brown hair strands. I think it's the natural color of her hair. She's also wearing the school uniform with the buttons of her vest opened.
"Wala akong nakitang nakakatawa," I answered coldly.
"Aw." After her reaction, she faced Dylan who was seated on her left.
I ignored them and do my thing again. I also noticed that most of our boys in our class loves to play ML. Mobile Legends Bang Bang to be exact. Nagkukumpulan pa sila sa isang tabi para lang maglaro o kaya lalabas pa at makikipaglaro sa ibang section younger or older than us.
"Uy, sinong gusto sumama maglaro ng truth or dare?" tanong ni Lexie. She's really one of the energetic classmates I have in the classroom.
I didn't answer her question and I shifted my gaze to the back of the classroom. Malaki ang espasyo doon at doon sila nagsisi-upuan para sa magaganap na Truth or Dare. Nakita kong sumama si Dylan at Riel. May iba pang sumali. I'm not planning to join because I know if you choose truth, they will ask questions and I felt scared of that. The question that is asking me 'who is my crush' scares me the most. I really don't have one right now. I just don't feel I need it with my situation right now. I can be toxic to the next one or that's how I imagine myself will be. Pero awtomatiko na akong napasali nang sumali si Elle. I rolled my eyes when I saw her stand from her seat. How I hate her being cooperative with this game today.
I also stood up from my seat to go to the circle in the back of the classroom.
"Yun sasali!" excited na sambit ni Lexie.
I just rolled my eyes out of frustration. I don't want to, but I have to. Kasama na rin sa circle sina Rain at Abegail kaya lalo akong nawalan ng choice kung hindi sumali. I seated beside Elle.
"Oh ganto, may bote tayo. Isi-spin natin 'to. Kung kanino tumapat siya yung tatanungin ng truth or dare," page-explain ni Lourine which I already knew.
"Oh sige, paikutin niyo na!" sigaw ni Riel.
Umikot ang bote hanggang sa tumapat kay Lexie. I was scared it will point at me but I felt relieved when it didn't.
"Oh, Lexie, truth or dare?" pang-aasar na tanong ni Riel.
Mukhang magkakabukingan dito. I just thought to myself and I also think I will be in a hot seat later if ever the bottle will point at me anytime today. I am ready for that but I cannot remove the feeling of panic in my chest.
"Dare," sagot ni Lexie.
"Okay, so shake hands with Daniel. Five seconds," nakangising sabi ni Riel na hindi man lang inisip huminga pagkatapus sumagot ni Lexie.
Tumingin si Lexie kung nasaan si Daniel. I can sense that she's nervous. May gusto ba siya kay Daniel? Or is it the other way?
Napalingon na rin ako sa gawi ni Daniel at kasama siya ng mga boys, nagke-kwentuhan. I noticed Jason again. His necktie was loosed and his vest was still opened just like last time. His smile is kind of infuriating.
Ugh! Why does he speaks to everyone else, but not me? It makes me mad thinking about it.
"Okay," sagot ni Lexie sa dare ni Riel at tumayo.
Lumapit siya kay Daniel and it was all dead silence around me. Our eyes are looking at her while she does the dare. I can see her talking to Daniel, asking for permission first. Then, they did it smoothly. After that, Lexie returned to the circle and the silence went off, and the teasing went on.
"Ayiee!" pang-aasar ni Riel. Tinignan siya ng masama ni Lexie pero patuloy pa rin siyang inaasar nito. Nag-peace sign pa si Riel habang patuloy sa pang-aasar. Dinig din ang asaran sa side ng mga boys matapos ang dare.
But the fun is just getting started.
"Oh next!" sigaw ni Lexie. Inikot niya ang bote and I started to feel nervous again. Hoping na hindi tumapat sa akin ang bote.
Huminto ang bote kasabay ang biglang pagtayo ni Dylan. Umalis siya sa kinauupuan niya at pumunta malapit sa pintuan 'tila may sinisilip. My eyes went with him. Ano namang iniisip 'nun?
Bumalik ang tingin ko sa harapan ko nang biglang sumigaw si Riel.
"Oh, Abegail! Turn mo na!" nakangisi na namang sabi ni Riel. She likes smirking, I guess. Maybe, because she will have another chance again to ask for a secret or dare someone with the worst dares. Napairap na lang ako.
Napatingin na naman ako kay Dylan. Hindi pa rin kasi siya bumabalik sa pwesto niya kaya nagtataka na ako kung anong tinitignan niya sa labas ng silid namin.
"Okay, gora!" sabi ni Riel. Hindi ko narinig ang pinili ni Abegail at hindi ko rin narinig kung ano ang sinabi sa kanya ni Riel, pero nalaman ko na rin naman nang pumunta siya kay Jason at nag-'I love you'. Naasar din si Jason ng mga lalaki dahil sa dare na 'yun. I can see Jason's ears turned red.
Natulala ako sa kanya observing his face. His eyes are puffy. His nose is perfect. His face is round in shape and his lips clearly matched his whole feature. He's cute in my perspective. But my gaze turns to Dylan again. Nakatayo pa rin siya sa tapat ng screen door at nakasilip pa rin sa labas 'nun. I can also sense the eyes of Lexie who are staring at me. She smirked and I don't know what's the meaning of that.
Pabalik na si Abegail na inaasar-asar pa rin nila Riel. I don't care if gusto ni Abegail si Jason. But if not, it's just a dare. While Lexie was so busy teasing me.
"Sana si Ellaine naman para ma-dare ko kay Dylan. Ayiee! Bagay kayo," niya pero wala akong pakialam.
Sinabi ko sa sarili kong hindi ako magkaka-crush o magkakagusto ulit kahit kanino man. Before we went to Bacolod for vacation, I am broken. I am torn up. Kahit magkaroon man ako ng ka-MU ngayon, eh walang magagawa 'yon para mapalambot 'yung puso ko. Walang wala. It will hurt but it won't stop the ache. I'm thinking that I will be the one that will cause a problem which will result for the end of that MU. It's just the matter of fact na hindi pa ako fully healed and I think that will be the downfall of me. The downfall of myself. The downfall of my next relatonship.
Hindi pa ako nagbe-breakdown and I think if that happens, depression and anxiety will clearly gain my mind.
Hindi ko na namalayan ang pag-ikot nila ng bote until tinawag ako ni Lexie. Ngayon ko lang siya nakita nang ganun ka-excited because of a bottle. Mapala-palakpak pa siya. My brows furrowed and I looked down to see why. I stared at the bottle for a few seconds and that's when I realized that the bottle was pointing at me.
Oh, great. Lexie's wish was granted. This became my greatest fear this second. Gosh.
"Okay, Ellaine, truth or dare?" ani niya habang nakangisi sa akin.
"Truth." sagot ko.
"Aw, sayang naman. May naka-ready akong dare eh." Ngumuso si Lexie. Hindi niya siguro inaasahang ganun ako ka-KJ when it comes to dares. Well, I must say I love playing mind games with them.
"Sino ang crush mo?" tanong ni Abegail.
Napatulala na naman ako. Iyun ang tanong na gusto kong iwasan pero wala akong magawa dahil 'yun ang tanong at kailangan kong sagutin 'yun. At kung hindi, I will be called KJ.
Naalala ko na naman ang pag-iwan ni Harold sa akin after Abegail's question. That memory flashback to me. Bumalik na naman sa akin ang sakit ng nakaraan.
Kasalanan mo 'to, Harold.
"Wala," sagot ko.
Nanlaki ang mga mata nilang lahat sa sagot ko. Is that really weird?
"Weh? Hindi nga?" hindi naniniwalang sambit ni Riel sa akin.
"Abnormal," bulong ni Chilia pero narinig ko siya.
I am composing myself not to raise my voice because of what she said. So I'm abnormal now if I don't have a crush, huh? Hindi na lang ako sumagot at umayus na lang ng upo. They already placed me in a hot seat and I hate it. I inhale some air before speaking again.
"Wala talaga. Iniwan na ako."
"Ha?" Lexie blinked her eyes twice. She's really not buying my answer, but it's the truth.
"May ka-MU ka dati?" tanong naman ni Lourine.
Akala ko ba isang tanong lang sa Truth or Dare?
"Oo," tipid na sagot ko na lang.
"Paanong iniwan?" tanong naman ni Lynarne.
Hindi ako sumagot. Kumikirot sa akin lahat. Just like a while ago when Abegail started the question.
Hindi na kita gusto, Ellaine.
That words are swords. Habang ako pa kasi ang minamahal niya, biglang may sumingit. Ang masaklap pa 'dun is that she's my secret guard for him, but I know she doesn't like him. So for that, I felt relieved. But if she would like him, I'm also good with it. At least masaya sila, 'di ba? I don't want to be infuriated with their feelings because that's their feelings.
Naramdaman ko ang tingin sa akin ni Lexie kaya napatingin ako sa kanya. Her lips are pursed and is looking straight to me. Napakunot ang noo ko. Is she reading me?
Umiwas siya nang tingin sa akin nang mapansing nakatingin na ako sa kanya. She acted like nothing happened. Like she didn't stare at me for seconds.
"Iwasan na lang nating tanungin sa kanya 'yan. Tumigil na kayo. Baka masyadong masakit 'yun kahit MU lang," ani ni Lexie.
I'm right at the part she read me earlier. At least, she knows I'm feeling awkward with the question thrown at me, right? But I managed to answer their questions except for the last one.
"Bakit naman magiging masakit 'yun, eh MU lang naman?" tanong ni Chilia pero wala akong pakialam sa pagtataray niya.
Pakihanap na lang kasi ang paki ko sa tanong niya. Parang nagmamarunong kasi siya sa pag-ibig pero mukhang wala pa namang experience.
"Chilia!" paninita ni Lexie.
Nanahimik si Chilia pero maya-maya pa ay umirap. Umirap rin ako ng makita ang reaksyon niya. Lalo lang ako nagkaroon ng rason para mawalan ng pake sa kanya. Inikot ulit nila ang bote at tumapat ito kay Mai.
"Truth or Dare," tanong ni Lynarne.
"Truth na lang muna," sagot ni Mai. Seryoso siyang nakatitig sa bote at halatang kinakabahan.
"Ayos na ba kayo ni Dylan?" tanong nito.
I raised a brow. Anong meron sa kanila?
She's in a hot seat right now. Like me, earlier. She stayed composed and just shrugged her shoulders before answering. Tikom rin ang mga bibig ng mga kasama sa laro and that's the reason I already know that they knew what's the tea with this question, and they want to sip from that cup of tea. While Dylan was still near the screen door beside us. I'm hoping his ears are closed for the words of Mai.
"Baka," medyo pabulong na sagot ni Mai. "Nag-uusap na naman kami niyan. 'Yun lang medyo awkward pa pero masasanay din kami niyan. Ang tagal na, Arne, eh! Huwag mo nang ibalik! Ouch."
Humawak siya sa dibdib niya na kunwaring may tumama roon. Natawa lahat kay Mai except sa akin. Wala talaga ako sa mood tumawa o ngumiti. Ngumisi pupwede pa. But I can say that Mai' s eyes was screaming pain a while ago. She's hurt but moved on. But the pain was still there and it will take a long time for her to recover. She's strong for being brave.
Pinaikot ulit nila ang bote at tumapat ulit 'yun sa akin. Muntik na namang magtatalon sa tuwa si Lexie. I rolled my eyes out of frustration. Bote, trip mo ba ako?
"Truth or Dare?" naka-ngising tanong sa akin ni Lexie.
"Truth," walang alinlangang sagot ko.
I'd rather be in a hot seat rather than do a dare. The reason is it can be worst than I can ever imagine like with Abegail's earlier. Pinasabi ba naman ng 'i love you' kay Jason.
"Eh KJ mo kamo, Ellaine," singhal ni Lexie. Ngumuso siya sa akin at humalukipkip.
This is what I am avoiding. To be called a KJ.
"Mag-dare ka na," pamimilit ni Lourine.
"Ellaine, sige na. Huwag ng KJ," dagdag pa ni Lynarne.
Napabuntong hininga ako at walang nagawa. I got seconds to think. Since I don't have a crush or special feelings for someone around here, I just agreed with their terms.
"Oh sige, dare." Even my mind was disagreeing.
"Yown!" Lexie celebrated. Her eyes are sparkling while looking at the others bago sa akin. "Shake hands kay Dylan. 3 seconds. Dapat ikaw ang lumapit. Duwag kase 'yang lalaking 'yan. Bakla 'ata!" Ngumuso siya bago tumingin kay Dylan na nakatingin pa rin sa labas ng pintuan. I know he heard Lexi because his ears are starting to turn red.
Napangisi na lang ako sa sinabi niya. So, she's plotting something for her friend, huh?
Napatingin ako sa gawing pintuan bago tinuon muli ang atensyon ko sa kanila.
"Siya 'yung nasa pintuan, 'di ba?" I asked even I already knew that he's Dylan.
"Oo," sagot ni Mai.
"Siya 'yon?" I asked again.
"Oo nga, kasasabi lang ni Mai eh." Umirap si Lourine pagkatapus niya akong sagutin.
Tumayo ako and smiled at myself. Nainis talaga sila sa pag-uulit ko ng tanong ha?
Lumapit ako kay Dylan nang walang pag-aalinlangan at kinalabit siya sa balikat. I can sense that he's tense. Lumingon siya sa akin habang nanlalaki ang mata.
"Hi," naka-ngiting bati ko sa kanya.
Nakatulala lang siya sa akin habang ang mata niya ay nanlalaki pa rin. Kulang na lang yata ay maluwa na ang mata niya. Hindi ko pa rin inaalis ang ngiti sa mga labi ko kahit ngawit na ngawit na ako. While him, still a block of rock there. Hindi na yata siya makakaalis sa pagkatulos. His ears are almost like a tomato.
Ano? Tititigan mo lang ako?
Kumurap siya ng tatlong beses bago nagsalita.
"A-Ah bakit?" utal niyang tanong.
Mas babae ka pa 'ata sa akin mailang, Dylan.
Umirap ako sa isip ko habang nakangiti pa rin ako sa kanya. I need to hide my true reaction unless he would be offended.
"Dare lang sa akin. Pwede makipag-shake hands?" tanong ko at walang alinlangan siyang tumango. His ears are dark red now. I can also see in my peripheral view that Lexie tries to contain her laugh to herself. Her plans working and I am playing along with it.
Nilahad ko ang kamay ko sa kanya at nag-aalinlangan siyang abutin 'yun, kaya ako na ang humawak doon at ginawa ang dare. Is he that scared of my hand? Hind naman 'yun mangangagat.
"1...2...3...Done," sambit ko nang matapus ko gawin ang dare.
Binitawan ko ang kamay niya at kumaripas ng takbo pabalik kala Elle. Habang si Dylan ay naiwang nakatulala pa rin sa kinatatayuan niya, facing the direction where I was a minute ago. His face is now starting to turn red, too. Is he that shy? We just shake hands.
"Yiee! Namumula si Dylan, gago!" tili ni Riel.
"Hoy, oo nga! Dylan!" Lexie shouted making Dylan shift his gaze to her.
"A-Ano? Bakit ba?!" inis na tanong ni Dylan sa kanya.
"Oh, bakit galit?" bara naman pabalik ni Lexie sa kanya.
"Tigilan mo 'ko, Lex!" And that's when I saw his face turn to a full tomato. He also diverted his gaze from us while Lexie was still wearing her teasing smile. I also realized he called Lexie by her nickname but I think she didn't care when other people hears her nickname.
The game continued and they took turns until it was time to study again. Wala namang masyadong ganap. Aral at kain lang ulit ang ginawa namin. And also, talking with our own close classmates. Or friends. Specifically, Rain, Abegail, Mariel, and Ash.
Uwian na at naglalakad na kami sa hallway para makapunta na ng service. Yes, may service na kami. I think it was set to arrive two weeks ago dahil kay Ma'am Principal namin. Ma'am Principal, because she's also our teacher in MAPEH which dapat hindi. She said she will just serve as a substitute for now.
"Ingat sa pag-uwi!" ani ni Rain.
"Ikaw rin!" sigaw ko habang kumakaway paalis.
Kasabay namin sina Chilia, Lourine, Abegail, Mariel, Dylan, Carl, Kuya Ranran, at Ate Eri. Hindi pa namin kilala ang iba pero ang alam ko ay tatlo ang kakilala ni Dylan doon.
"Oh Smith, magkakatabi na naman tayo," rinig kong sabi ng isang kasama ni Kuya Ranran.
"Ako sa dulo, Yhesa," prisinta pa ng isa pa.
"Jack en Poy na lang para walang away," sagot ni Kuya Smith.
I think they are Kuya Ranran's classmates, but I don't care. I also don't care where should I seat inside the service. As long as I can seat, that's all that matters.
"Kuya Dylle, tabi ako sayo ah," sabi pa ng isa pa naming kasama. I think she's one year before us. A Grade 7, I guess.
"Hoy, Dylan, diretso uwi na tayo," sabi ng isang babaeng mas matanda pa sa amin. Ate yata ni Dylan.
Sina Lourine at Mariel ang umupo sa shotgun seats. Katabi ko naman si Ellenie at Carl sa upuan patalikod sa driver's seat at shotgun seat. Nasa harap ko naman si Kuya Ranran. Tahimik lang ako sa byahe habang naka-earphones. Nakikinig lang ako sa music. May mga nagmumura at lahat sila maingay.
Paano nila nagagawang magpakasaya? Samantalang ako walang wala. Wala akong maramdamang saya.
Tahimik lang ako habang nakatingin sa labas ng bintana ng sasakyan nang biglang 'True Colors' ang tumugtog sa earphones ko kaya lalo akong natahimik. Nagsimulang matuyo ang lalamunan ko. Shit. Bakit ito ang tumugtog?
Wala ako sa mood para ilipat pa ang music kaya hinayaan ko na lang na 'yun ang marinig ko. Para rin naman masanay na ako sa sakit na nararamdaman ko. Face your fears, 'di ba?
Kumirot na naman ang puso ko sa naaalala ko.
I see your true colors shining through.
What the hell, tadhana? Bakit mo naman tinapat sa playlist ko ang kinonsidera kong theme song namin?
I see your true colors and that's why I love you.
The fudge. This is freaking hell.
Sinungaling na kanta.
Kung mahal talaga ako niyan pagkatapus makita ang totoong kulay ko, hindi ako iiwan niyan.
Iniwan ako, paano ba 'yan?
Lintek na 'yan.
Pinagpalit nga ako sa mas malapit.