Mika leans into the table, her voice low.
" Julie, I know this whole thing's been
terrible for you, It's been terrible for me, too.
But you can't avoid this forever. you should
come, pay your respects. Especially now."
Then, in almost whisper, says " Please,
it's Sam—"
Her voice cracks at his name. I can hear
a cry rising up her throat as she manage to
hold it down. Seeing her this way sends an
ache of pain to my chest, making it
impossible to speak. I can't believe she
would use this againsts me. I can't think
straight. I have to hold myself together.
I clench my empty cup. " I told you, I don't
want to talk about this," I say again.
" For god's sake, Julie," Mika scolds me.
" Sam would have wanted you to come.
You haven't been there for him this entire
week. You weren't even there when they
had him buried."
" I know, and I'm sure everyone has a lot
to say about that, too," I say back.
" Who cares what everyone else says,"
Mika cries, her body half rising from the
seat. " it only matters what sam would say."
" Sam is dead."
This quite the both of us.
Mika stares at me for a long time. Her
eyes search mine for signs of guilt or regret
as if she's waiting for me to somehow
amend my words, but all I have to say is,
" He's dead Mika, and me visiting him isn't
going to change anything."
We hold our gaze for what seems like a
long time before mika looks away. From
her silence, I know she is both stunned and
disappointed. It is at this moment I realize
the tables around us have hushed as well.
Our waitress passes by without a word.
After a moment, once the tune of the
dinner resumes, I gather my words.
" This isn't my fault, you know? I told him
not to come but he wouldn't listen to me.
I told him to stay there. So everyone needs
to expecting some apology from me, and
blaming me for any of—"
" I'm not trying to blame you for this," Mika
says.
" I know you aren't. But everyone else
probably does."
" No. Not everyone thinks that, julie. And
I'm sorry, but this isn't about you— it's about
sam. deserved more, and you know it.
that's what everyone expected. But you weren't there, through any of it."
" You're right. Maybe I do know him better," I say. " And maybe I think he doesn't
believe in any of this stuff. The ceremonies,
and vigil, the people from school—please.
Sam doesn't care about any of them. He
would have hated all of this. He's probably
glad I didn't show up!"
" I know you don't believe that," Mika says
" Don't tell me what I believe," I say.
That came out sharper than I wanted it to.
I almost take it back, but I don't.
Luckily, our waitress reappears to take
our order before this goes further. Mika
looks at me, at the waitress, then back at
me.
" Actually, I should go" She says abruptly,
and gathers up her things.
Our waitress steps aside as mika rises
from the booth. She lays some money on
the table, and turns to leave. " I almost
forgot," she says. " I picked up your
assignments from school the other day.
Wasn't sure when you'd be back" She unzip
her bag. " Yearbooks also came. Ours were the last to get picked up, so I got yours, too. Here—" She drops everything on the table.
" Oh—thanks."
" I'll see you later."
TO BE CONTINUED...