For many people love is their purpose in life, better said, they believe the search for true love is the purpose of every last one of us. I was one of them, but then she came into my life. I thought I finally found it but I was surely mistaken. She was a soulmate who wasn't meant to be and I thought we were going to be complete strangers for the rest of our lives. It's really sad if you think about it, that someone who knows all your fears, secrets, thoughts, someone who can make your heart break in a second can become a stranger. At last after months of being strangers, months of hating myself, we talked. She didn't want to be strangers anymore and I couldn't live without her. She still wants me, but I still love her.
"Why did you get back with her after all that has happened?" my friend asked
The guy who is asking me why I got back with the girl is Erick, my best friend. I am currently at his house explaining why I got back with her while he is playing on his PC.
While I'm on my phone I tell him "We're not back together, you see we decided to be something casual."
Erick responds quickly "So basically friends with benefits," I answer "Yeah basically that."
He pauses the game he's playing, turns to me and says "Andrew, you are like a brother to me. We have been friends ever since we were 8. You and I both know that you are a romantic, you can't be in a casual relationship. You are one of those types of dudes who needs something real."
"I know I'm a romantic, but it just feels right." I said to him
He turns back to his PC and says "Look, do what you want, but when things go bad again and you are crying, don't come looking for help from me. You know I am against all of this, Anna doesn't even deserve you. Did you already forget what she did when you guys were a thing and don't say you don't love her anymore because you and me both know that is a lie."
I respond to him "No I haven't forgotten what she did and yeah I still love her. I love her, that's why I can't get mad at her even if she does the worse to me and she already did the worse."
"Sure whatever," he said in unamused tone
I get why he's like this, I'm ok with him not wanting to help when things eventually go wrong. When you see someone close to you suffer time and time again it takes a toll on you too. The suffering of one is spread amongst the people closest to him.
"Hey I think I'm going to head home now," I said
"Yeah ok, let me walk you out," Erick said
I say goodbye to him and head home. I think I'll head to the park we had our first date before arriving home.
I arrive at the park and sit on the bench that is right in front of the bench that we sat on. The park still looks the same after a year. The birds are still humming, the trees as green and tall as ever and all the people look happy, no one is alone except me. Why do memories have to hurt so much?
That was a special day and I didn't even knew it was something that was going to haunt me a year later. I never expected her to mean so much to me. We went from something to nothing and now when things aren't supposed to be complicated is when things are the most complicated for me.
People are walking by me, is this a special day for them and don't even know it? It's idiotic that we only value the good things in life when they are gone and we take importance in the bad things when they are in the present. I'm probably thinking this much just to ignore my insecurities, my thoughts revolving around Anna and the idea that she doesn't love me the way I do.
I already know she doesn't love me the way I do, she doesn't even want me as a boyfriend of course she doesn't love me. I'm not that important in her life, but she is in my head all day and it hurts. The fact that for me she might be the most important person in my life and to her I am just the guy she sort of likes that has a casual relationship with. I shouldn't be feeling bad for that, I accepted the casual relationship with her knowing she doesn't love me anymore. Still when she tells me I love you I want to say I love you back, but there's something inside of me that doesn't want to show affection to her. It kills me everytime I see her smile at the sight of me or when she laughs at my jokes, because I know this is pointless.
I know that in the end I'm not going to be with her, but I love her and I have decided to live in the moment. Even if it will hurt me in the future.
I'm thinking way too much, things are simple now. She likes me and I like her so we just decided to have something casual that will satisfy each other's needs. Well that's what I like to think. She knows I still love her, she told me if I still love her and she becomes ready for a relationship that we can become a thing.
I look up at the sky and see how it is filled with the color blue and a tinge of pink. You shouldn't put your life in pause for anyone, so I decided to do this with her but still be looking for someone else in the meantime. We're not dating so there isn't anything wrong with that, but maybe I'm just lying to myself and putting my life in pause just for her. Who knows? Life seems so simple but it always finds a way to complicate itself.
I think I'm going to head home now, I think I cleared my head enough.
When I finally arrive at my apartment it's 9:28 pm, I go directly to the kitchen to cook my dinner. I think tonight I'm going to make some spaghetti, as I put the water boil I get a phone call. It's Anna, I wonder what she wants.
I picked up and said "Hello?"
"Hey Andrew, it's Anna," she said
"Oh what's up, do you need something?" I asked her
She responded with "Are you busy, can I come over?"
"Yeah sure, I'm making dinner right now, do you want some?" I said to her
"Yes please, what's for dinner?" she asked
I responded "Just a very fine dish of Andrew's special spaghetti."
"Oh my, that sounds delicious, I'll be there in 20 minutes, love you," she said
I responded "Cool, see you soon."
She hung up, hearing that I love you makes me feel horrible. It should make me feel great, but I know that she doesn't really mean it. It's the equivalent to a fake smile, there is no love in those words when she says it to me. That's why I can't tell her I love her, but I love her with all my heart. At last that's just how things are, does she even think about what she's saying when she says I love you?
I get that out of my head and start cooking the pasta, I prepare the dishes and the table waiting for her. 20 minutes passed and she hadn't arrived, it quickly went from 30 minutes to 50 minutes. The food was getting cold and I didn't get a text from her saying she was going to be late.
Maybe she is going to be late or probably won't even come at all. I shouldn't care, so why? Why do I feel like trash for not being important enough to her that she will tell me that she's running late. Is that too much to ask for ?
After waiting an hour and 10 minutes I hear the doorbell, I should tell her to leave. I shouldn't even open the door for her, I should be furious at Anna.
I open the door and say "What took you so long, the food is already cold," she responded "I'm really sorry, I just got caught up on something, are you mad?"
I wish I could be mad, but it's pointless. Even if I wanted to, I can't find it inside myself to be mad at her, even though there are so many reasons I should be mad at her. Love makes people do stupid things and I love Anna.
"Yeah don't worry it's ok, the table is already set, are you still hungry?" I said while inviting her inside.
I put the food in the microwave and serve both of us. I forget about all the problems we have when I'm around her, I also forget about how terrible I feel about this whole casual thing.
We start talking and laughing while having dinner. These moments are what make up special moments, I wish I could share them with someone who loves me.
While looking around she says "I love what you did with the place."
I forgot this was the first time she's been inside my house after we became strangers. Almost every time when two people become strangers they never get along again, but we decided to get back together in a way. Is this even healthy? I was one of those people who said never get back with your ex, maybe love made me throw away my ideals or could it be something else?
As we finished dinner we went to the couch and put on a show. She was there in my arms, I always ask myself what does she think of these moments with me? It doesn't matter right, she always says I'm important to her and that things should be simple, so why am I complicating things?
Why do I care? I'm happy just being with her and so is she.
Then out of nowhere she starts to kiss me, I pull her closer to me while we start making out. This feeling of pressure in my chest but also feeling very loose, I have never felt this with any other girl when I kiss them except with Anna. She makes everything feel great, she makes me happy.
I stop to tell her "Do you want to take this to the bedroom?"
She nods her head while biting her lip, we continue while heading towards the bedroom. We arrive at my bed and continue. When we finished we were both tired and in each other's arms. I play with her hair while she falls asleep on my arm.
Before we fall asleep I ask her "Hey do you want me to take you to the campus in the morning?"
She says to me "That would be lovely."
While her eyes are closing she says to me "Good night Andrew, I love you."
I want to say I love you back, but I can't.
I just say to her "Sure ok, good night," while also closing my eyes and pulling closer to me.
I want to stay in this moment forever, laying next to her like this. I wouldn't even care if the world was ending as long as if she was by my side. For all I know the world could cave in right now and I would have no regrets.
I doubt she thinks the same as me, but I don't care right now. Because right now she is in my arms and I don't need to think about anything else. So who cares if she doesn't love me the way I do, maybe in a few days I'll feel bad about it but that's why I decided to live in the moment. Even though I can't even fool myself, it does hurt, but when she's around me it doesn't affect me. I know that this affects me in a negative way, but she makes me feel so good. I just can't quit her and I have tried.
For some reason she is the only reason that I'm happy lately and everyone wants to be happy right? So why do people tell me I shouldn't be with the only one who makes me happy?
It's useless to think about that right now. She loves me, at least a little and that's enough for me for now.
I woke up thinking she would be next to me, but she wasn't. I get up and start to look for her all over my apartment, but there was no sign of her things or of her. At first I thought it might have been a dream, yet dishes from last night were still on the table.
She already left and headed to the campus probably.
As I said we are something casual. So there is no breakfast in bed or drives to campus together anymore.
I like being with her and I'm still going to go along with this, but I think Erick was right, something casual isn't something meant for a romantic.