I know she doesn't love me, I know she doesn't care, so why am I falling onto her trap one more time? Why after all of the pain I've been through I can forgive her like it was nothing? Is this what love is, that ability to forgive someone even after a terrible amount of pain that person made you go through, or is it something else? To her I'm just something casual, but I see her as something more than that, I truly do love her with my heart, but I wonder what she feels about me.
Am I also more to her? Am I also something more than casual, does she love me or is it just something she says to get me in the mood? Just something to hypnotize me and forget about everything. To forget about myself.
"I love you Andrew," she whispers in my ear.
Why? Why does hearing her say that make me one to cry on the inside? I want to hear her say it more, but I want her to actually love me, I don't just want to be wanted, there's a big difference. When you are loved, the person is there for you even after the heat, after those dreadful lonely nights, but when you are wanted, it's just something superficial, something that only lasts for a few moments.
After we finished I was there with her in my arms laying on the bed. I was staring at the ceiling, it felt like a normal room, but still my heart was pounding with just the aroma the room was filled with. I felt safe, I felt happy with her hand on my chest and her head on my shoulder. I can feel her smooth silky skin against my skin, having my arms wrapped around her is something special, well at least to me. Is it okay for me to feel like this?
I have her right now, just for this moment. Maybe she is only mine for now and tomorrow she'll be gone again until the next time she wants me. I can ask her what I want right now, right?I need to get it off my chest, I need to know.
"Hey why did you say I love you, when you don't?" I asked her while staring off to the ceiling
She grabs my head with her hands and turns my eyes towards. There locking with her eyes she says "I do love you."
I get closer to her and say "Then what the hell are we doing? During the day you act like you don't know me, you don't do that to someone you love."
"It's just complicated, ok;" she said to me
"I fell in love with you from the beginning and I never stopped loving you since, you were also in love, but then you didn't. So are you in love with me again and if so how much more longer until this ends again?" I said while my eyes looked straight at hers.
Her eyes are as beautiful as ever, but there is a hint of sadness that her eyes hide, those she regret bringing me back into her life. Would she be more happy with me out of it?
"I did miss you, you are the first that I actually loved, I did cry when you left me and I don't love anyone like I love you," she said while the sadness in her eyes was glowing brighter than ever.
How long has it been since she wanted to tell me that? How long has she been holding that in?
I couldn't say anything, she left me speechless, but my body did know how to react, I started to cry, I grabbed her and held her tightly in my arms while I kissed her neck.
This is all I wanted, I wanted her to love me.
I wanted her in my arms, I wanted to feel her warmth and the feeling of being loved again. Can I trust her?
After everything that happened, should I just let the past go and be with her? I want to be with her, my heart aches for her. The chills that I feel are nothing without her, but I still have a hard time getting through my head that she really loves me. Why would she be lying, but also why would she love me?
Do I deserve her love? Do I deserve to be happy with her, or better yet, do we deserve each other?
Maybe I don't deserve her but maybe she doesn't deserve me either. Maybe we love each other but in the end we are not made for each other, two lovers who's end will never be happy. A sad story called life where sometimes the people you love the most are the people who will never stay.
"Stop overthinking Andrew," she said in a relaxed tone
She seems so calm and comfortable, does this mean she trusts me?
"How do you know I'm overthinking," I said
She said with a smile on her face "Because I know you Andrew, just enjoy this moment."
I nod my head and lay my head on one of her pillows, the scent of her hair is marked on them, it smells like paradise but that could just be my brain confusing me and making everything related to her ten times better.
It's fascinating thinking how your brain perceives things differently when you are in love and when you fall out of love.
I'm in love with her, but for how long will this moment last.
Maybe I should just do what she said and live this moment for now, I can think about this later.
As I close my eyes I feel my body fall into a bed of clouds. When was the last time I slept so peacefully, with her hand on my chest I can feel her body heat, it's a pleasant warm feeling that covers my whole body. This is what I needed, to have her with me, but actually with me.
Sometimes you may have a person with you and have them present in your life, but sometimes their heart is somewhere else. Right now I am with Ana, I have her heart here next to me, as she is sleeping with me, her heart is with me and my heart is with her. A beautiful and warmful feeling that I hope will never leave me again, but that is just a romantic's wishful thinking.
When I finally wake up, I open my eyes slowly. My eyes are greeted by the sun that is slightly beaming through the curtains. I turned to the side Anna slept on and was going to kiss her good morning, but when I turned she was not there.
Did she leave me? Was all of yesterday just a one time thing, were all the words she said a lie?
I start to feel stupid, how could I fall for this again?
Of course she doesn't love me, she already told me in the past that she fell out of love. How could she fall back in love? It's impossible. Did she just do that because she felt lonely?
Shouldn't I be happy? I got what I wanted, even if it was a lie. I still wanted her to lie to me for a bit more, just until I could be myself again.
I sigh in disbelief of what just happened and get my clothes on.
As I am leaving her bedroom I smell eggs and bacon cooking. Once I get into the kitchen I see Anna is there cooking.
She notices me and says "Oh hey, how did you sleep, I made bacon and eggs just the way you like it."
As she is saying this I can't believe my eyes, it was true. She wasn't lying to me. She does love me.
I can't contain this ball of emotions inside of me anymore, I have so much sadness, annoyance, anger, confusion, frustration, regret bottled up inside of me and this is the moment where I feel safe. When I'm with her I feel safe and only with her, is that bad even if we only have something casual?
I don't know why but I started to cry, I can't hold it in anymore.
I walk up to her and hug here while my tears run through my face, she says "Hey are you okay?"
I just hug her tighter and say between my sobbing "Anna I love you so much, don't leave me ever again."
I need her to stay, even if she goes with someone else, I need her to stay in my life forever.
She holds me while I cry and says in my ear "Don't worry Andrew, I'm not leaving you ever again."
There in her kitchen, holding her in my arms. The pain of losing her, the sorrow I feel when she is not there in my life, every bad emotion that is related to her is not present, yet all at once are hitting me. I need her and she loves me, so why can't this be forever?
She pulls away, wipes a tear off my face and says to me "Get the plates ready so we can finally have breakfast."
The smile she puts on in front of me isn't fake, it's true, a smile that holds no lies. So for now this is happiness, I love her and she loves me, but we already lost each other once. Will this be different? No matter what I can't lose her again, I can't lose that smile ever again in my miserable life of a romantic. A romantic's purpose is to protect that one thing that makes them believe in love. Anna is that one girl who made me truly see that love exists, even if in the end she isn't with me. I still want to be a part of her life, but this is preferable.
As the weekend passed by I felt happier and happier, with each passing moment I could feel my happiness grow, this feeling that I can't quite put into words is growing ever so more strongly. I haven't felt like this since she left me.
On Sunday I finally left her house, I kissed her goodbye and told her "I'll see you on campus, ok," she immediately pulled me towards her, kissed me and said "Ok I'll see you there."
The smile she gave me after that is stuck inside my mind. While I'm driving back home I keep playing that image through my head over and over again.
Erick's house is on the way so maybe I should stop by and say what's going on.
I park in infront of his department building and go up to his floor and knock on his door. He opens up and says "Where have you been? I have been calling you all weekend."
I just had a smile on my face and he could tell why I was smiling, once he figured out why I was smiling the way I was he looked disappointed and mad.
I look at him and ask him "You never call me, so what happened?"
"Well I was calling you because my girlfriend, your best friend, has her birthday next friday and I was thinking you and me should throw a party for her," he said to me
"OK that's grea-" I get interrupted by him as he says "You can't bring Anna," he says this with the most serious face I've ever seen him put, it's as if all the emotions left his face and all I can see is an order that isn't affected by any emotions.
I look at him and ask "Why are you telling me that?"
"Because it's obvious where you were Andrew, you weren't picking up your phone, you weren't at your apartment and you come to on a sunday with the dumbest smile I've ever seen you put on, a smile that you only ever have when you just see Anna. It's obvious you spent the weekend with her and with that smile I can tell you already said to yourself that she actually loves you or something," Erick says to me
"It's different, she does love me," I say quietly under my breath
Erick says "No she doesn't, she is just there when she is lonely. It's something casual, when it's casual there are no emotions involved. Whatever she told you was a lie so you wouldn't leave her."
I can't hear this anymore, I know what she is saying to me is true, he doesn't know what really is going on. He can be the closest thing I have to family but I love Anna.
I grab him by his shirt and say "Erick, I won't bring Anna to the party, but listen to me, I'm happy with her, you don't have the slightest clue how she actually is, so let me be happy, I actually love her."
I let go of his shirt and he says "Look you're like a brother to me but if she leaves you crying don't come looking for me."
I nod my head, say goodbye to him and get in my car.
As I'm in my car I let out a sigh.
I know he acts like that because he doesn't want me to get hurt but it's just tiring. I believe in her words, I trust her with all my heart.
Is she worthy enough for my trust?
I do believe she is worthy of my love and trust, I'm ok being vulnerable with her and only with her.