It's been a week and I haven't heard from her, maybe all of that was just some adventure. She really had me fooled, how can I have been so dumb, at the instant she said I love you I went and let my guard down, gave everthing again. Was I not thinking, how the hell could she love me, I'm not in whatever the hell her plan is for her life. All though she's the love of my life, I'm not the love of her life, maybe one day she'll meet him.
I bury my face in my arms, I can't do anything except shelter myself with my own body, hide this despicable feeling until I am alone.
"Hey are you alright, you've been very quiet this whole week, did something happen with you and Anna?" asked Luis
I tilt my head a little towards him and say "It's nothing, just didn't get a lot of sleep."
He gets closer and whispers to my ear " You can't fool me, if you feel bad you should write, people say it helps get your emotions all in order."
Huh, writing, that didn't cross my mind. I just tilt my head back and let myself bury myself in the safety of my own arms, it may be lonely but it's safe and I know that at least I will stay with me until the end of time. Is it possible for me to even lose myself?
As class ends Lucy comes up to me and Luis and asks "Hey you guys want to get a pizza and hang out after?"
I just grab my things "Sorry I want to be alone this weekend, but you two have fun," I said with the fakest smile I have ever put on in my life. I just hope they don't see through it.
I glance at their eyes, as I do that I notice that Lucy doesn't see through it, but Luis can see it clear as day. I could see his eyes show empathy for me, how he can see me fake everything, see how I'm just playing an act so I tell other people that I'm fine. It doesn't work on him, but now what will he do, will he let me be or will he try to force me into this plan.
Luis just smiles back and says "Ok, do whatever you have to do, but next friday you're coming with us."
I'm astonished, I didn't believe that he would do what I needed right now, maybe he does truly know me. I just wave goodbye and start heading home, as I'm heading home I keep checking my phone, I just want her to say hey i miss you or something, why am I like this? I want her love so badly that it doesn't matter if she doesn't acknowledge that I exist or care about me in the slightest, the moment she tells me that she needs help or better yet when she tells me she needs me, I'll be there for her as fast as I can. I am such a fool for someone who doesn't even care.
Is this even love?
I keep losing myself to her, why do I have to love her so much to the point where I don't even care about myself, where I put her needs over my own?
It's crazy, I'm a narcissist, I shouldn't feel like that, but she's the first I put before me. The first to actually make me believe in true love, the first to flip my world upside down and yet I can't be happy with her because she doesn't take me seriously. For her this is just a joke a simple joke that doesn't matter at all, but for me it's more than that, what I have with her scares me, it scares me because I feel like she's important to me, but for her I am just someone who will cure her loneliness before I guy who she actually likes comes into her life, but when that happens I will just be tossed aside until the guy leaves her and she feels lonely again. I am just the person she uses to fill in the void, but I will never be the person that fills it forever. For I am just a substitute in her life.
Maybe I should do what Luis told me, I don't have anything to do, so maybe I should write. I used to write poems when I was sad in junior high. If i don't like it I'll just play some music while I drown in sorrow for a while. It's ok to be sad sometimes, I just don't want anyone to see me while I;m letting everything out. I know it's not weak to show sadness but I don't want people to feel sorry for me, so I'll deal with this on my own.
I started to write, I'm not very good but the emotions I have been keeping to myself were finally going somewhere. As I wrote I cried, as I wrote I also felt happy. My emotions, my mind was finally getting a way to get in order, from being a cloud of nothing but confusion to a breath of fresh air in where my own mind is calm, where I have everything in order and I do not need to suffer. I should've done this before.
Although I'm writing, I'm still waiting on her text, does she just not care. Could she have found someone who she actually loves, was her I love you towards me just a pretty lie, a lie to keep me in arms, just so I could provide the warmth that she so ever desires but wants from someone else. How can I be happy when I live in a never ending cycle of heartbreak? Will it ever end?
As I kept typing the words that were stuck in my heart I started to feel more relieved. I don't even know why I was feeling better, I wasn't planning to show this writing to anyone but it still felt as if I were pouring out every heartache, everything in my mind that has been making me suffer and all I could do is let my tears out while I was writing.
I kept writing all night, I even decided to put on the playlist I made for her. For all of that night I was remembering the good, the bad and the ugly of all the things I had with Anna. I remembered about the things I couldn't do, how I would do it differently and I even questioned at one point if I would have been happier if I never met her. She was the girl who truly made me fall in love, but can what we have be even considered love. I always thought that love was a sweet thing, with no pain and no sorrow. So why do I feel so hurt, why does everytime that I need her she leaves me, but when she needs me I'm there, why doesn't she love me? Am I not worth it, am I just someone who will never find love, is love something that was not made for me, even though I am a romantic, do I not deserve love?
I kept writing until I fell asleep, once I woke up I felt a little better, of course the void in your heart can never be filled from one day to the other. I understand why she used me to fill her void, but she could've just told me the truth from the start and kept going with it, she didn't have to say I love you, I would be completely fine if she didn't fake any emotions. Maybe I wouldn't have told myself that she was still in love with me, that she only wanted me.
I never needed before, but there is just something in me that wants her. I want all of her, but the more I think about it the more I understand that she will never be mine. She will never truly give me back the love I give nor will she feel the same way. That's how life is sometimes, it'll never be fair or give you what you want. You have to earn it, but I still don't know why I can't have it. I tried my hardest to make her happy but it still wasn't enough. She still doesn't want me despite everything that I do for her.
I don't like how that sounds, but when I say it I mean that I loved her for real, like actual love but all I got were fake emotions, fake kisses and fake smiles. All I want is something real, it doesn't have to be the best, but if it's genuine that's enough for me.
Last night I decided to write a short novel. I think before I passed out I was on chapter 3, what should I do with it. Maybe I should ask Luis what he thinks, he was the one who told me to write.
I decided to call him
A-Hey dude, I did what you told me to do and I started writing a short novel
L-Ok cool
A-Can you tell me what you think about it?
L-Yeah sure
A-Also…
L-Yeah?
A-Thank you
L-It's nothing man, I already know how you are
A-Ok bye
L-Bye
I can't believe myself right now, here I am complaining about how I hated her fake smiles and I even put on a fake smile infront of Luis and Lucy. I really don't care too much about Lucy, but I do care about Luis. He is the only genuine friend I have in the campus and to do that to him makes me feel like a hypocrite. Even so, I didn't do it to fool him into feeling something for me, it was the complete opposite, I just needed my space and I think he understands that.
Still I do feel sorry.
I'm gonna take a nap, just to turn off my brain for a few hours.
Once I woke up I had a bunch of notifications on my phone, none of them were from Anna, but I had a lot of texts from Lucy and Luis. I get up and open my phone and check what Luis messaged me.
He was saying that he liked it and that he has a friend in a publishing company that he's going to talk to, but that's probably just a joke.
Then I opened what Lucy sent me, she was asking if I was ok and that if she could come over with some pizza, now I also made her worry about me which was the last thing I wanted to do. I text her back saying pizza sounds good.
So she'll be here in about 25 minutes. I really don't want her to come here but I have to make it up to her, I shouldn't have made her worry. I still don't know if this is the right decision though. I haven't brought a girl to my place ever since I started seeing Anna, if you could even call it seeing each other.
What am I thinking, it's not like anything is going to happen between me and Lucy, me and her are just friends. I doubt she even feels attracted towards me. We are just friends who are going to eat dinner together because one of them is worried for the other, she couldn't have any other intentions.
Why am I thinking like this?
It's not like I'm dating anyone, what I have is just casual.
Just casual.
Which means that I can see other people, it's not like she even cares about me. How could she? She doesn't even one anything real with me, I'm just a substitute.
With that said, I still don't believe anything is going to happen with me and Lucy, she hasn't flirted with me and neither have I with her. We are just friends and I should thank her for the pizza.
She arrives but comes in soaked from head to toe, I was so deep in my head that I didn't even notice that it was pouring outside.
"I'm so sorry if I knew it was raining I wouldn't have asked you to come, if you want you could use my dryer and I think I can borrow you some of my clothes for the time being, all though they are gonna be a little big on you," I said to hear while nervously moving all around.
She just smiles and says "Don't worry that's ok with me, can I use your shower, I don't want to catch a cold." I then take her towards my bathroom and tell her "Ok so this knob is for the hot water and this one is for the cold one." She just smiles and then I leave.
Oh man I forgot to give her a towel, I quickly found a towel and left it near the shower. Then I yell "Hey Lucy, I left a towel out here for you, also what do you want to watch while we eat?" she just yells back "whatever you want to watch and thank you Andrew for letting me use your shower."
Ok this is not going well, but this is just a simple accident, we are just going to have dinner and watch a movie, apart from that nothing is going to happen.
She quickly finishes her shower and gets out, with only a towel.
I quickly cover my eyes and say "What the hell, why don't you have clothes on." She just responds with "Well you didn't leave any out for me."
I can't even be with her right now, in the most shy tone I say "Ok, just stay there, I'll get you some clothes."
I found some clothes for her and handed them to her with my eyes closed. While she's changing in my room I tell her through the door "What's with you today, you act like you don't care if I see your body or something."
When she gets out of my room she looks me in the eyes and says "Well I don't know why you're acting like this, I see nothing wrong with it."
Well maybe I'm just overreacting, she just sees me as a friend, of course we should be comfortable with each other, it's not like she's attracted to me. I think I'm just overthinking everything, there is no way she sees me as a possible partner.
We started to watch the movie, but she started getting closer and closer to me as the movie went on. Once the romantic scene started she turned to me and whispered "Andrew."
I turned to her and asked "Wh-," but before I could finish she kissed me.
This is going to end badly.