I can't believe how much of a horrible person I am. I want to just take a break, but I will just be followed by life, by the problems and everything else that will never let me truly be at peace.
Maybe Erick would be down to hang out.
As I sit here in class, nothing is happening. Life seems normal at this point, but only because I'm not acknowledging the emotions and circumstances that I'm living currently. Right now I'm in love with Anna, a girl who doesn't even care about me, Lucy wants me and I also have something casual with her, but my closest friend in college is in love with her. Everything is just so messy, I wish it were more simple.
My eyes lit up as I heard professor Hills say "Alright that will conclude today's class, see you all tomorrow."
Luis looks at me and asks "Do you want to get some pizza with me and Lucy?"
That would just be a nightmare.
I turn to him and respond "No, I think I'm going to see Erick today since I haven't seen him in a while, but you and Lucy should go together."
All I can do is just avoid these situations, just avoid the reality and ignore that I'm the cause of what will make him suffer in the future. I already know how this will turn out, he will blame me, instead of being sad he'll be angry and the cause of that pain will be me. Some friend I am. If I was someone better I could have not accepted her approaches, but I'm not someone better, I am me.
It's too late to care about him, in the heat of the moment I put my desires over our friendship, but am I the bad guy here? I didn't know that he was falling for her and she approached me.
I'm just making excuses really, all of that doesn't matter at all. The truth of the matter is I should've told him what was happening between me and her when he told me that, but I was too afraid to say it to him. I ran away from the possibility of hurting him and now he will get even more hurt.
Before I could dive even further into my thoughts I heard Luis say "well see you tomorrow Andrew," I turn to him and see him and Lucy waving at me. I just waved back, but before Lucy turned away she winked at me. Does she not care for Luis at all or what is she trying to say with that?
I should just stop thinking and head to Erick's house, right now I just need to relax and have a little break from all of this drama.
I try to not think as I am heading over to his place but I can't get the words I am a horrible person out of my mind, it's as if I don't believe I deserve a break and maybe I don't.
I knock on his door and yell "Hey dude, it's Andrew!"
He yells back "Screw you, Sarah is still mad at you!"
"Wait what did I do?" I asked him.
He opens the door and says "I can't believe you forgot about my girlfriend's birthday, I told you that we were making a party for her last friday, why didn't you text her at least?"
I didn't deserve a break and I won't get one.
"Look dude I'm really sorry, a lot has been on my mind, I really just need a break can we please hang out?" I ask him while my voice starts to whimper.
"Andrew I'm not mad at you, I'm just disappointed, just give it a week or two and we can hang out, just not right now," he tells me.
"Erick don't act like a mom, we both know that disappoint-" but before I could finish he interrupts me and says with the coldest tone I've ever heard from him "Andrew just leave."
I just put my head down and leave. Of course he would be mad and also Sarah, I'm such a bad friend. Now there is nowhere for me to rest my head, everywhere I have somewhere to put my mind at ease is tainted with the errors I have committed. There is not a single place where the thoughts of how bad of a person I am may leave me alone, nowhere to keep my mind from eating itself.
I head home, but it's not even a safe place anymore. In my home is where I'm most alone, it's where my thoughts are more alive and where I have to confront with myself something that I feel I can't do at this point. The person I am is someone who scares me, I just don't want to be alone.
I can't be alone, please someone save me.
I collapse to the floor as all these unspeakable emotions run through my head, I'm terrified but at the same time I feel sorry for all my close friends. I just want to be better, why can't I be better. Was I destined to be like this. Am I really a bad person?
I feel tears run through my face. My body is shaking and my chest feels as if it were carrying 200 lbs.
I just want to be a good person, can't I be a good person?
i don't want to be alone, I can't be alone, but who can be with me during this? Who still has a place for me to rest?
I know I don't deserve it, but I need this, I just need a little break. That's all I'm asking for, even if it's just for a few moments, but I want someone to turn my mind off for a little while.
Just a little while.
As I feel my own thoughts eat me up the only person that comes to my mind as a safe heaven is Anna, I remembered everything about her, how black her eyes are, the way she would look into my eyes, the way she always smiled after laughing, every single detail of her makes me fall in love with her. Everything about her I found perfect, everything except for the fact that she doesn't care. So why do I care so much, she's the woman I love the most in my life, not just the woman, I simply don't love anyone as quite as Anna. That's why I can say with ease that I love her.
I really do love her so much.
Our relationship should go both ways, right?
I need this right now, I need her right now. Maybe I'm just going to get rejected but it's worth a try.
I grab my phone and text Anna if she was free tonight, in two minutes I got a text back from her saying yeah, to which I responded I'm coming over. I got ready, got in my car and headed to her apartment.
As I'm going there, I'm not excited, I'm not even the slightest bit happy. I'm just running away from my problems, being a coward and escaping them with her. She doesn't know and probably doesn't care.
That's right, she doesn't care.
I know I'm in love with her, but I also know that this is not how I should be treated. She tells me that she loves me, but this isn't love. Love isn't something you leave in the bedroom, you love someone in the morning, in the afternoon and in the night. You support them, this is something else. We only fulfill each other's desires but when she is fulfilled, she leaves, but during all of it she says she loves me. Everytime I hear that I slowly die, because she tells me something that I will never have. All I want is her to actually love me.
I park outside her building and out of nowhere I scream "FUCK!"
I put my head on the steering wheel, I know what I'm doing is wrong, I know that she won't fix anything or even care, but I just need a distraction. What I truly want really doesn't matter, because it's something that I know won't happen. Just a beautiful day dream.
I get out of my car and that's when I finally notice the world around me. Everything seems more darker or grey, like if the life of everything was sucked out of it leaving a lifeless shell of the world. It could be my own perception of reality, maybe right now my mind is in a dark and cold place, leaving me too experience a world in the conditions my mind is in currently.
I go up to her floor, get in front of her door and stay there for a minute. I can't remember what I was thinking of the last time I was here, but I do know that the feeling was very different to this.
She opens the door and immediately my world seems to get warmer, but it doesn't fix everything completely.
With a smile on her face she says "Hi," but I just grab her and start kissing her.
She doesn't care about me, I'm just a distraction for her. So for only this moment she'll be my distraction. This doesn't make me a bad person. As things keep on going my head seems to get more relaxed, no more overwhelming thoughts that take over me as a whole. This is what I wanted right?
It doesn't matter if it's what I wanted, it's what I need.
As I pull away, I push her against the wall and start kissing her neck. At that moment she says "Andrew I love you."
No you don't, please don't lie to me. I don't want to live in a lie neither do I want to use a lie as my distraction, this is my safe place and I don't want it tainted with that. Would it be better to build around a lie?
No, I need something real.
I stop to look into her eyes and say "No you don't and you do, you only like me in these moments, that's not love Anna and it will never be, so please don't lie to me."
As we keep staring into each other's eyes I feel my eyes water as all my emotions hit me, I am confused and need a place with her, but I know that the love she is giving me is not actually love. It is only desire.
I put my forehead against hers and say "I need you now Anna"
She grabs my cheek and kisses me. Everything is calm again, nothing matters right now except me and her. She gave me a break.
As we continued we felt each other and I could experience as her warmth took me and covered me, as if she were protecting me and warming up my cold world. Giving me the warmth and time away from my mind that I need so much.
Before this I felt as if I was going to die alone in that dark place, but she warms even the coldest of places for me. Do I also do that for her?
Does she also need me?
As we finish I feel her put her arms around me. I don't know what it was, but when she did that I couldn't stop myself from crying, I can't stop myself from falling in love with her even more.
I ask her "Why are you doing this?"
She hugged me tighter and said "You said you needed me, I also need you."
I love this but it also hurts, why can't you also love me if you need me?
Although this is nice for now and it's what I needed.
For now I'm not a bad guy, my head is leaving me alone and I'm taking the break I needed. All of us need a little break from everything from time to time. Tomorrow will be a new day, but I'm not a bad guy, well atleast I think that's the case.
I'm just someone. I'm neither good nor bad and that's alright.