What is she doing? Why is she doing this? There were no hints, I wasn't flirting, since when was she flirting.
Have I just been caught up on Anna so much that I haven't been perceiving other people's intentions. Was my love for Anna just making me blind towards other people, would that even be considered love, what am I even thinking right now while she's kissing me. All though, when I kiss Anna I don't think, maybe that's why I love Anna, she helps me escape reality or just my mind, escape the thoughts that won't leave me alone.
I should do something about the current situation and stop Lucy.
I push her away and say "What are you doing, this is so sudden."
With embarrassment and a confused tone she asks "You don't like it?"
I look away from her and say "We're friends, I don't want to ruin what we have, what the three of us have Lucy."
She grabs my head and turns me towards her as she whispers in my ear "But I like you Andrew.���
I can't deal with this right now, why does this have to happen. Can't I just have a break, I wanted to better myself but life is putting me inside the ring one more time before I could get a break.
I just need to be honest with her, so she can understand where I am in life. So I did, I told her everything, between me and Anna, the casual relationship and my feelings. I even told her about how I felt, the pain of being with someone you love but not being loved, everything.
In the parts where I couldn't control myself and had tears run through my face she hugged me and she even ran her hands through my hair. I felt safe but not with the person I wanted to be with, but I don't want to get caught in the moment and do something that I would regret tomorrow.
"Can you just leave my house please?" I asked with my head between my legs
But in that moment I felt her hand pass through my hair as she kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear "I can take care of you, I can love you Andrew."
Maybe she's right, maybe with her I can have something real, I can be happy. I would be happy, but I know she wouldn't. It's easy being with someone you love, but I know deep down that I could never truly give her the love she gives me, I would just be doing what Anna is doing to me. I would break her heart, I would be the one to tear her world apart then put it back together over and over again. I want her to be happy, even though she wants me now, I know she would never be happy. That's just how love is sometimes.
You might be with someone who you love, you can try to lie to yourself that they love you, believe every lie that they tell you, but deep down you always know that it's all a lie, that they are with you just because you love them and that is something that kills everyone inside, that is why I'm dying slowly inside.
I pull away and tell her "You know I can't love you."
She just stares at me silently.
"You know I'm in love with Anna, that there is nothing you can do to make me love you!" I yell as I stand up.
She stands up as well, approaches me, hugs me and says "I don't care if you love me, we can just be casual if that's what you want."
I can't, I just can't, I feel my heart break at just the thought of that, she'll be like me, I don't want to do that to her, but Anna will never give me the love I give her. I might as well receive it from here, right?
WHAT AM I THINKING!???
I'm just vulnerable right now and if I accept this relationship with her everything that is stable in my life will come falling down.
She tells me "I won't hate you and know one will know."
Screw it, who cares if I do this. I need it, I need love, it's not fair that I don't receive love and she is willing to give it to me. She is asking for it, no one will know, but I would know. I would know how much of a bad person I am, I would know that I would be using the love of someone else to feel whole again. I would know that I am shit.
At that moment I look into her eyes and she looks into mine. I see her eyes sparkle, though it's not because she is shining, but because she is sad. I don't know what she wants, I don't know if she'll be ok with what she's asking for, but I never want to see her with that look ever again. I don't want to see her like that ever again and that's just selfish.
I hug her back and say "Ok, let's do it."
I felt as she held me tighter, as we started to kiss and move together I felt like we were the only people in the world, yet I still had someone else in my mind. It didn't matter that I was in paradise, I still wanted more, I still wanted what I couldn't have.
As the night kept going we grew closer and closer, although it was only physical, we both know that emotionally there was nothing she could do about it, or that's what I hope she was thinking.
As we connected to be one, I still had Anna in my head, not even the love of Lucy could ever come close to erasing Anna from my mind or heart. As we finished she told me "I love you," but I kept quiet. I may be a bad person, but I would never lie to her face like that. I will not give her the wrong idea.
As I fell asleep I felt her hand on my chest, her body heat and most importantly her heart pounding. I turned my head over to her and I could see her smiling. So this is what it's like to be with someone who loves you, no wonder Anna enjoyed being with me. I wonder, did she also feel the guilt that I'm feeling now, or is she worse than me. Maybe she is a horrible person, if she could lie to my face and tell me she loves me. Only a horrible person could do that, I couldn't do that, but I'm still a bad person and nothing will change that.
As long as Lucy is ok with this, I shouldn't feel like a bad person. I fell asleep with her hand on my chest and as I woke up to the alarm of my phone I expected her to be there by my side, but she was nowhere to be found. Maybe it was best for her to leave early, she already knows that I don't love her, if she would've stayed it would just make things between us even more weird.
I get ready and head towards the campus, that visit from Lucy did get me a little bit more happy at least. As I enter the class I wave at Luis then glance over at Lucy. She just smiles and waves back, so I guess everything is good between us and no one will ever know.
I sit down at my spot and ask Luis "How was your weekend?"
He looks at me and says "You wouldn't believe it man, I had a great weekend."
It's weird to see him so excited over something.
He kept going saying "I read your novel, it's really good, I have a friend that works for a publisher, if you want I can hook you up with him."
I was surprised by that and said "I don't think it's that good, also is that what you were all excited about."
He gives me a piece of paper and says "Of course it��s good, trust me, the dude's name is Peter so when you talk to him tell him you're the guy Luis talked about."
Maybe what I wrote was good, but I think he is going too far. I can't be that good.
"Well let me tell you why I'm all excited," he said
I just say "Yeah tell me, you never act like this, what happened?"
He places both his hands on my shoulders and says "Well on friday me and Lucy still went to the pizza place without you and she was so worried about you." A little bit too worried if you ask me. He kept going saying "I couldn't believe it, she is the most purest and kindest hearted girl I've ever met."
"Well yeah she is very nice," I said.
"Not just that Andrew, I think I like her," he said.
Ok I hope this is not going where I think it's going
"Well yeah, I think everybody here likes her," I said
"No not like that," he tells me, pulls me closer to him and whispers "I think I love her."
There it is, I couldn't have something nice, I screwed up.
What should I do, what if he finds out what we did, he'll be heartbroken and he would never forgive me. I should just tell him not to, that it could ruin what the three of us have going on. I know it's hypocritical, but it's the only way he won't hate me for what I've done.
"Hey dude, you shouldn't try anything with her, I want you to be happy and all, but what happens if she rejects you or you guys break up, it would ruin everything we have going on," I said to him.
He just looks down and says "Yeah you right, I won't try anything with her."
I hate myself, I have to do this but I hate myself.
Why do I have to be such a bad person?
Why do I have to prevent my friend from being happy, why did I let her approach me like that, why did I accept her offer, why does Anna not love me, why does Lucy love me, why, why, why?
I want to be good, I really do. All I want is to be the good guy, to be happy and not be such a bad person, but I can't have that because life just puts me under and never gives me what I want. Why can't I have what I want? Why can't I be happy?
Why do I have to watch my friend despair because of me?
Was I just destined to be a bad person, a person who doesn't care for his friends feelings, a person who can't be with the girl he loves because he isn't enough, someone who was too weak to say no to do approaches of some girl, a person who only cares about himself and due to that reason will never truly be happy with someone unless is that one girl who doesn't even care.
She doesn't even care.
I know I'm a bad person, I'm even worse than Anna, because instead of lying to my lover, I lie to my friends, to the people who are always there for me, I watch as he despairs and it's all because of me. I'm the reason why he can't be with the girl he loves and I'm supposedly his best friend.
I put my head down on my desk and closed my eyes. I wanted to just escape reality for a few moments, but as I closed my eyes and my mind drifted all I could see was Anna, as I saw her all of the guilt and pain I caused came back to haunt me. I am not free of them here nor in reality, it's because of me things are the way they are right now.
As I kept diving deeper and deeper inside my mind I'm woken up by the voice of professor Hills saying "Andrew if you're going to be in my class be in my class at least stay awake."
I immediately wake up and say "Sorry professor I just had a long night, please forgive me."
As I say that I glance over at Lucy and she's smiling. I remember now.
I'm a bad person and this reality.