I knew it was going to be different from before, but it still hurts to be called just a friend. During the day we are just friends, almost strangers, but at night or when she's feeling lonely, I'm more than that. During those moments I'm the guy she loves, the guy she wants and desires, butI just want that to be the same during the day. At last that's only wishful thinking about a casual relationship.
For the next few days me and Anna didn't talk much, there were no texts, no bumping into each other, no calls. Nothing at all. If I want her, can I call her? Can I tell her that I want to be with her right now, or this is just a one way relationship? Maybe it's a one way relationship since I actually love her and maybe she doesn't love me. So she knows that I'm always waiting for her and of course she is going to use her toy whenever she's in the mood.
Luis handed me a piece of paper during class, I opened it and it written down is "hey what do you think about Lucy?"
I take the paper and write down "Aren't we a little too old to be writing on papers like middle school girls?"
He takes the paper, reads it and whispers "I don't want the professor to warn me or anything like that."
Out of nowhere Mr.Hills says "Shut up Luis and pay attention to the lecture."
It still amazes me how the professor can hear a tiny whisper in a classroom as big as this one.
I take the paper and write down "Ok fine, what did you ask again?"
L- I wanted to know what you think about Lucy
A- Well to be honest I really don't find anything interesting about, but she is chill to be around
L- Oh cool
A- Is that all you wanted to tell me?
L- Yeah
A- Ok then, pay attention to lecture, if you don't who is going to pass me notes
He looked at the last thing I wrote and laughed. Mr.Hills looked straight at Luis with a glare that only a teacher can make.
"Sorry Mr.Hills, I'll shut up now," said Luis while looking down at his desk.
I will never get why he takes the professor so seriously. I'm not saying I disrespect Mr.Hills on the contrary, I think we both have an agreement to not impose on one another. I don't interrupt the class and he doesn't bug me for not paying attention.
I'm always looking out the window, waiting for something interesting to happen, the funny thing is that my whole wreck of a love life is something amusing for someone like Erick. Well not amusing, but he does find me and my decisions dumb. He's the guy who's known me for most of my life and has gotten to know me the best.
I know I'm doing something dumb, I know that she's just going to hurt me, that I can't take being called just a friend, that in the morning when I wake up she's not in my arms, I know that. So why can't I stop myself from proceeding further with her? Was I just a one night stand, a simple distraction from one of her lonely nights? Will she be a distraction for me too?
No it can't work like that because if she's distracting herself from the feeling of being lonely, what am I going to distract myself from? I would probably distract myself from the fact that she doesn't really love me, but that doesn't work when the girl that doesn't love you tells you she loves you in those moments and only in those moments.
As these thoughts go through my head I can feel a tear run through my cheek. I quickly wiped it off my face and checked to see if anyone saw it, but everyone was just paying attention to the lecture. Well everyone except Mr.Hils, the only time he doesn't have his back turned to us is when a tear had to run through my cheek, this is just priceless.
Knowing Mr.Hills he'll probably ask me to stay after class and do the whole good teacher looking out for his students act, but I'm not a 15 year old kid anymore. Everyone has their own problems and I don't want anyone to get in my problems, I can handle my own problems, I don't need anyone else.
The bell rings and I gather my stuff, Luis while grabbing his brown jacket from his chair says to me "Hey me and Lucy are gonna go to the pizza place from last time, do you want to come?"
I just want to sleep, after going there and being called just a friend I haven't been feeling like doing anything, I want to be alone. It's not bad to one a little bit of solitude to process the complexities that are passing through your mind, I just need time.
"Yeah no, I don't feel like hanging out right now, next week I'm up for it though," I said to him.
When I said that he gave out a little smirk, maybe he didn't want me to go. Luis has always been very shy with how he's feeling. I thought I was the only one he actually told what was going through his head, there could be something that he's hiding from me. It shouldn't bother me, he knows what he's doing, he's smarter than me.
I start to walk out, but when I get to the door Mr.Hills said "Andrew can you stick around for a bit."
I knew he was going to do the stupid act.
"Yeah sure, is this about me not paying attention in class," I said acting as if I was clueless
"Andrew, stop acting, you're maybe fooling your friends but it's not working on me. This week you've been looking down during class, did something bad happen recently," he said to me while sitting on his desk.
I glare at him and say "I'm already an adult, I don't need to talk about my problems, I can handle them on my own."
I walked away but he stopped me when he said "That just proves that you're not an adult, you think just because you have your own apartment, drive a car and go to a college means you're an adult. You are still immature and thinking you're an adult just because of your age is the most immature thing ever."
"I'm down because of an immature situation Mr.Hills," I said. I look back at him with my eyes filled with tears that I keep from running through my cheeks and ask "When I'm ready to talk, will you be there?"
"Sure Andrew, that's what teachers are for," he said while smiling
I smile back, wipe my eyes and finally leave the classroom.
I need to be alone, just drain all these emotions out. Why is this affecting me so much? Why, why, why? She just called me her friends, so why is my heart hurting so much? It feels like all my heart feels right now is pain and sorrow. There is just an overwhelming amount of tears that I've been holding back.
I need to get home. I need to be safe.
I have her, so why does her words affect me more than her actions? I'm conflicted and I can't stop my mind from exploding on itself. The moree time passes without her the more the pain grows, but if I go back to her the pain will not live forever. It'll come back and even stronger later in my life.
I walk to my apartment and once I get there I lock the door behind I slowly slouch down to the floor. There on the floor all I can do know is hug my legs while I cry into them. I've never looked pretty when I cry, I've been holding this in for a long time. I've been lying to myself, denying everything and saying I was happy, but who can be happy when the girl you love with all your heart will never be yours. All that you have with them is superficial, everything means nothing and all you want is for her words to mean something. You want to be something in her life.
Why can't I be something in her life?
I started crying even harder to the point where my weeps sounded like shouts of pain. It's incredible someone could love someone so much to the point where they're curled up in a ball crying. They must have been someone very important in your life to make you cry, no matter how bad they were, they still were important to you.
I wish someone that important didn't make me cry, but you don't know they are important until they leave your life. People say that if you should let them go, if they come back then they are yours, but sometimes them coming back isn't always a good thing.
Look at me, I should be happy yet I'm not, why? Because I know that I'm being used as a distraction and I would be ok with that, but I'm being used by Anna, the girl that i thought was the one. I don't want to fall in love anymore, after this pain and stupid decisions that I've taken why should I?
Why risk being hurt again?
Is there really someone out there for me, someone who won't hurt me?
Why do I only attract people who end up hurting me, how much longer until I can be happy?
It seems that I have runned out of tears to shed, I want to keep crying but I am all dried up. I got up and grabbed a chocolate cake that was in my fridge for the anniversary of getting this place.
I just need something sweet, just a tiny victory. I haven't had something good happen for a week, this whole week has been me trying to hide all of this baggage. It feels good to let it all out, but it's sad that I'm the one who caused my own sadness.
If I didn't talk to her I wouldn't have let my emotions get the best of me, we would still be strangers or actual friends. Yes it would be sad, but I suppose that it would be better than all of this. I say suppose because I don't know what would've happened. Life is a mystery, sometimes the other options are equally as bad or worse, you'll never know what will happen.
As I finish the chocolate cake piece I get a text, I wonder who it's from.
I quickly think who could it be, it's a friday night at 10 pm, oh my, I've been crying for 3 hours, it barely felt like 30 minutes. It's of course Anna telling me to come over.
After all of that, I know I shouldn't go, but I still text her that I'll be there in 30 minutes.
Why can't I quit her?
My mind is in conflict, I'm doing one thing but thinking the other. It feels like my body is moving on it's own. I take a quick shower get ready and as I'm doing that the hours of crying over her passes through my head, but I still keep on getting ready as if none of that ever happened.
If I turn off my brain maybe I can be happy.
If I lose my values and morals, maybe then I could be happy. If I lose all these ideals of romantic I can be ok with this. I am Andrew Gallaway and I'm a hopeless romantic.
I am driving to her apartment, I know I shouldn't, but I'm still going.
I know that the pain that I receive from being with her is not worth it, but something deep down in my heart just needs her. Even if it all goes wrong, even if the world ends today, I want to be next to her for the rest of my life. A blissful and wonderful thought that will never come true.
I finally reach her apartment, I'm on her doorstep, this is my last chance to decide my fate. Do I go with her and end up hurting myself to a point where I never trust in love again or do leave, trust love once more and fall in love with someone again.
I just want her. I know this is the wrong choice, but my heart beats only for her and I believe it could not do that for anyone else.
I knock on her door, she opens it and once I see her face I forget about everything.
That cinnamon skin, her big black eyes, her long brown hair and those lips. Lips with a color red and a smile that will haunt you in every dream you have, it's a smile that no one can forget.
She looks at me, gives me a smile and pulls me in, pulls me into a trap that seems impossible to escape from, but I'm ok with that. For now.