{[Jane]}
I waited that night for Jake to come home, but he didn't. Everything felt like de ja vu - reminding me of that day I got on that bus and drove away from him.
The day I left Matt with that note - the day I broke him.
I ate dinner alone. Watched some Netflix and typed on my book. Being alone in this massive penthouse apartment with no one to even talk to was complete and utter hell.
I thought Jake was the one. I thought he was the one destined to change my fate. My happy ending.
Turned out - he was just like all the other sleezeballs I've met in my life. I was just their trophy until they got tired of me and pushed me away.
I tweeted Matt a photo of my half eaten pizza with the caption ['Wish I had my pizza buddy to share this with #NetflixAndChillingAloneIsn'tFun']
At that moment, I didn't care if Jake saw it. Matt's been my friend way before he stepped into my life and he probably will be for a long time after he had left. Just like with everyone else that had left me.
I channel surfed for a while before falling asleep on the couch and woke later with a reply to my tweet on my phone.
['Nothing in this world I'd want to do more rn']
For the first time in forever, he made me smile. Made me feel like someone out there, actually still cared about me. He always did. I never doubted that.
I took my blanket and returned to the empty bedroom. I second guessed sending Jake a text for a moment. It was already past three in the morning. It was probably too late for him to drive home now anyway. He was probably staying over at James's house. He usually did whenever it got late.
I forced myself to go to sleep, struggling with nightmares whenever I succeeded. Kyle would probably haunt my dreams for as long as I lived.
Once again, I just wished I wasn't so damn stubborn. I wished I'd listened to Matt in the first place instead of being so naive.
Come to think of it - I don't think I loved anyone as much as I loved him. I just didn't want to lose what we had now, because he was all I had.
***
I got up the next morning, the apartment still untouched as I left it the night before. All except Jake's clothes being spread out in the hallway.
I softly walked down the hall, keeping my nightgown closed tightly. Maybe he came in late and didn't want to wake me up - he did that sometimes.
I passed his wallet on the kitchen table - an open condom packet next to it, making me turn ice cold.
[No. He didn't. He wouldn't.]
[Would he?]
I shakily gathered myself and tip toed to the guest room. And to my disgust, I found him perched on his back - the voluptuous blonde laid spread out across his bare chest. They were both fast asleep, her red stiletto still sticking out from under the sheets.
I stayed strong, like I always did. Wordlessly turning and leaving him to be as I walked to the room and started packing all my valuables before calling a cab.
I even took the liberty of taking a shower - making my presence known. It wasn't long before he appeared in the doorway, his jean unbuckled and hanging low around his waist.
"JJ-" he breathed, watching me through the glass.
"Jake, baby," I purred in response, turning off the shower and getting out - wrapping the huge stone coloured towel around me.
He bit his lip and moved closer to me, taking me by the hips and squeezing lightly.
"I don't think so," I said, pushing him away with one finger as I moved past him, dropping my towel to the ground.
I made sure to take my time getting dressed. First my underwear, then my jeans and hoodie. I could feel his eyes running over me, driving him insane.
But I had to do this. I had to make him suffer and see what he was losing.
"Come on JJ. Don't do this to me. I've been on tour for over two weeks and had none, this isn't fair," he joked walking up to me and seductively kissing me in the neck.
"Is that what you said to the blonde too?" I asked bluntly, not looking at him.
He froze and let out a nervous chuckle. "What are you talking about?" he asked, turning me around.
"That's all I needed to hear. Don't ever call me again," I whispered, hearing the cab horn honk outside. "It's over."
He watched me leave, frozen in place. Looking back, I realized he already regretted what he'd done, running his hands through his hair as he kicked the dustbin over and shouted.
I couldn't care less. Caring has been erased from my system a long, long time ago. Once I've flipped the switch, you were as good as dead to me.
I hauled my bags into the back of the cab and directed him to take me to the nearest bus stop.
I bought the earliest ticket to Chicago, leaving this life behind me once and for all. I realized what I wanted in life - what I needed. I needed to get back to the one person who had always been there for me, even though I never thought he was quite good enough for me. I didn't care if Matt and my friendship would go down the drain - because we've always wanted more than just that. I was prepared to lose it all just to give it a shot.
I'd be on the road for 2 days and 40 minutes, but I didn't care. I didn't want to ask anyone for help and a bus was all I could afford. At least the Greyhound had charging docks on board, I just had to sit where I could find one.
Matt wouldn't mind keeping me company. I knew he wouldn't. Especially when he knew I was on my way back home. He'd worry where I was and if I was safe the entire way. That was just the Zwei way of life, I guess.
My bus had finally arrived within the next hour and to my surprise, we weren't that many people on board. J. Cole's 'I'm coming home' played softly over the speakers, amplifying the irony of this entire situation. Because my kingdom did await and he was willing to forgive all my mistakes.
I took my seat in the back of the bus, popping in my earphones as another guy handed me his spare pillow.
"You'll need it," was all he said as he smiled at me. I mouthed 'thank you' and took it from him.
He reminded me somewhat of a actor or something, his long blonde hair framing his slightly tanned skin and stubble giving him a beach bum look. I started my playlist, a song starting off with something I could totally relate with. Having beer for breakfast and my sanity for lunch. Trying my best to get over how bad I wanted Matt so much.
No matter what I did and no matter how much I tried to deny it - Matt was my poison and I picked him over everything else, because no one could kill me like he could. I would surely die a blissful, painless death - that's for sure.
The blonde guy, let's call him 'pillow guy' for now, because we never exchanged names - even though we kept each other company all the way home. We ended up talking about our destinations. He had just moved to Chicago for a new job opportunity as a mechanic at the Chicagoland Speedway with the dreams of becoming a professional racer himself.
He had big dreams and so much enthusiasm. His jokes made me smile, but I knew no one would ever fill Matt's place in my heart - ever.