{[Matt]}
I woke up the next morning with a pounding headache - alone in my own bed for the first time in weeks.
I got up and wandered down the hallway to the kitchen and started up the coffee machine. I leaned onto the kitchen table for extra support, my body unwilling to support me.
I felt utterly powerless and completely drained. I picked up my phone where I had left it last night next to my car keys, hovering over my contacts screen before scrolling down to Jane's number.
Should I? Shouldn't I? What would she say? How would she react - how would [I] react to hearing her voice after all this time. Does she still hate me? I know I don't anymore, not after the reality check I got last night. I was fucking my life up and I just didn't care anymore.
I noticed my open packet of cigarettes as I listened to her phone ringing in the receiver, waiting impatiently for her to pick up.
[Hi, this is Jane. I'm pretty busy typing a million words a second right now so be so adorable as to leave a message and I'll do my best to get back to you A S A P.
As long as the sun shines, remember to always stay awesome.]
The beeper sounded, notifying me to leave a message. I hung up instead.
She was probably really busy or still asleep. It's only 7 am here anyway - I don't know what the hell I was thinking.
I took the packet and slid out a cigarette. I popped it into my mouth and ignited my lighter - hovering the flame just out of reach of it.
No.
[Jane doesn't like smoking.]
[Jane hated the smell of it - the taste of it.]
[Jane, Jane, Jane - why was that ALL I could think of?! What made her so special?]
I ignored my subconscious and lit it anyway, drawing a deep breath of smoke into my lungs, feeling myself ease up as I slowly blew it out again. I watched the glowing point as I tipped the ash into the overflowing ashtray before placing it back into my mouth and added my sugar and cream to my coffee before walking out to the patio.
The sun was starting to rise over the peaceful town, some morning traffic starting to toot along the busy highways.
I barely slept lately. Insomnia kicking in again after all this time. My long lost friend paying me yet another unwanted visit.
I sipped my coffee before drawing at my cigarette again. No one knew that this was how I coped on my own - nicotine and caffeine being the only two things that helped me through my days alone.
Jane was worse than any drug I ever had to face. Worse than any addiction I've tried to overcome.
Somehow, she always had a way to draw me back in and fuck me up all over again. I smothered the bud and tossed it over the balcony into the flowerbed before drinking down my last swallow and heading back inside.
I returned to my bed and flipped open my laptop, checking on our fan mail and upcoming event bookings.
My Skype was always online. Always in the hope of her popping me a simple 'Hi' or 'How are you?' - but nothing ever happened.
I decided to make the first move, opening her contact and typing her a message. If she ignored it - that was fine by me. I deserved it.
[Hey Janey. Hope you're still doing ok in the big city. Hate to admit it, but I'm missing you to death.]
I sent the message and continued my work for the morning. She was two hours behind and probably snuggled up behind her boyfriend's back.
How I wished I could be him right then. To hold her tight and watch her sleep like I did years ago whenever she came over to my house.
I smiled at the thought of that. The times when the only thing that mattered was us being in each other's company - laughing and joking about the craziest shit.
I'd never forget the day I walked into her getting dressed in my room. I chocked on my cereal and she had to help me in her underwear. I promised not to look, but just couldn't resist.
A notification pinged, dragging me out of my train of thought.
[Can we talk?] Was all she replied.
My heart started beating at a million miles an hour as I self-consciously smelled my breath and straightened my hair out before taking a deep breath.
I pressed dial and waited for her to answer my video call. It didn't take long either. She sat cross legged, pressed up against a huge expensive red headboard, silk bedding folded around her.
She didn't look happy, nervously biting her lip as she rubbed her arm. Her eyes slowly made their way to the screen as she pushed a smile and whispered 'Hi'.
I hated seeing her like that. I just wanted to crawl over to her and take her into my arms and make her feel ok again.
I smiled back, averting my gaze to my hands in my lap.
"How are you, Janey? Where is [he]?" I asked, looking back at her as I bit my tongue. I knew that bastard wouldn't be able to look after her the way I could.
"I'm... ok, I guess," was all she answered, pulling her nightgown closed.
"Where is he?" I repeated. I saw her do her best to stay strong, a stray tear rolling down her cheek telling me something was horribly wrong. "Where [is] he?!" I demanded through clenched teeth. She looked up at me like I was some kind of monster. I winched, closing my eyes and apologized softly.
"It's ok. It's seems like I have that effect on everyone lately," she said, faking a laugh as she waved her hand at me, a glistening ring catching my attention.
I looked away with a heavy heart. "When's the date?"
Her face filled with confusion. "What do you mean?"
I wordlessly lifted my left hand and showed at my ring finger, unable to hide my broken heart this time.
She looked at her hand and looked away. She didn't know what to say.
"It's ok, Janey. It's your life, your choices. I'm... I'm happy for you," I lied, cracking a smile.
"Nicholas," she pleaded, placing her hand on the screen. "I caught him cheating on me." She whispered.
"Then why... why are you still there? Why the fuck are you still wearing his ring?!" I fumed, unable to contain myself.
She bit her lip and looked down and I knew it. She couldn't because she loved him.
"What happened?" I asked, trying my best to be supportive. That's what she needed right then.
"He went away - for weeks. 'To shows' he said. 'To record for the new album' he assured me. I wanted to go with, but he thought it would be better for me to stay here and work on my book while I had the time. And I did. I stayed. I trusted him. But it looks like fame changed him. He's - he's not the same Jake that proposed to me just after we got here. He just... isn't," she said, half whispering her last sentence.
"You know what always used to cheer you up?" I asked, smiling up at her.
"A lot of stuff that I don't have anymore," she answered matter of factly.
"When I sang to you," I replied, ignoring her remark. She smiled, genuinely smiled as she nodded in agreement.
"Yeah, your amazing songwriting skills have helped me a lot in the past," she admitted, running her hand through her hair - a sign of her relaxing and feeling a bit more at ease.
"Wait here," I said, getting up to fetch my acoustic guitar.
"Like I have a choice," I heard her snicker, excitement and anticipation in her voice.
I returned, moving my laptop back so she could see me more clearly. "I didn't write this one, but I think it's quite fitting." I strummed the intro and started the first line, ["Where is your boy tonight?"]
"I already told you, I don't know," she answered, her smile fading again.
I frowned and shook my head, "It was a rhetorical question, now shut up - and listen," I said, raising a brow.
She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms as she waited for me to continue.
["I hope he is a gentleman-"] I sang, hearing her snicker. ["Maybe he won't find out what I know. You were the last good thing about this part of town."]
She listened intently, her face lighting up as the song progressed.
["You need him. I could be him... I could be an accident but I'm still trying. That's more than I can say for him."] I sang, shooting her a sly smirk.
"Ok, you can stop now. You totally whoo'd me with that one," she joked, trying her best to keep herself from smiling.
"Come home." I pleaded.
She stared wordlessly at me. For a moment there I could have sworn she actually considered my offer.
"Please, Janey. You deserve to be happy," I added, hopefully.