{[Matt]}
It's been over a week since I called her a coward and left like a dog with my tail caught between my legs. I hated myself for doing it the instant those words escaped my mouth. Her beautiful face portrayed so much hurt it crippled me inside.
I just had to leave.
Leave before I changed my mind and dragged her out of that fucking coffee shop and convinced her to stay and show her that she was making one huge mistake.
But she had to learn, even if it was the hard way. Unfortunately, good friends are there to help you - best friends are there for you even after they saw you get hurt and knowing they could have stopped it.
That's one thing I've learned from me and Jane's relationship over the years. Let her go. Hopefully, she'd eventually come back and see what she'd been missing. Only thing is, she always came back, but never saw what she missed.
I guess I just wasn't good enough to match the standards of Jane Johansen. I'd always be 'that guy'. The best friend. The one she could call up when she's drunk. Who would always look after her, no matter what. Who would always be there to support her whenever a guy just ripped out her heart and tore it to shreds.
I'd be the one sowing it together for another fucker to have a go at.
I just wished this wasn't all such a complicated god damned mess. I haven't spoken to her since that day. I mean - what was the use? She'd made it pretty clear she and this Jake dude were going to move in together and that she was like, super happy with him and everything. Who was I to judge or 'steal her happiness'? Shaun and I were in the middle of writing some songs for our new album anyway. The less distractions I had, the better.
Or so I thought.
I eventually found myself wondering about town, alone in the dark and praying for the break of dawn as I walked along the shore of Lake Michigan. If I had to die right then, she probably wouldn't have cared anyway.
I thought about the times we sat on that bench as I passed it. The day I first wanted to kiss her, but didn't because I was too scared that I'd miss. Now? Now I wished that I'd just have done it and got it over with. She probably would have had my ring on her finger - and she'd probably be much happier than I know she is on the inside right now. That's all Janey ever wanted - to be happy. Life just had its wonderful way of screwing us over each and every time we seemed to come close to it.
It wasn't long until I felt my feet aching up and I dug my hands deep into my hoodie's pockets to keep it away from the biting cold outside. It wasn't winter yet, but the evenings were quite chilly, especially near the lake.
Water made everything worse sometimes. Even when you thought things couldn't get worse. I ended up at the Pick Me Up Cafe and decided to order myself some coffee to push through till morning light.
I thought of her the whole time and worried about her.
Was she going to be ok there, all on her own? She knew no one. We weren't talking. Was he the jealous type? Sure looked that way the other day. I wondered if she would ever ask me to come visit her whenever he was on tour. Sounds like his band was picking up pretty well at that moment, their first album was due in a couple of months.
Ours was barely planned out. At least we got a sponsor from Tenacity Records. Its more than we could ever have asked for.
I watched the sun come up behind the buildings, casting an eerie silhouette across the walls inside the shop. I watched the night and day shift do their exchange while I waited for my breakfast. I wasn't hungry at all, but kind of hoped that eating something would help ease my mind and keep myself from thinking of her. Maybe I could head over to Shaun's house when I'm done. Hopefully he'd be awake by then. Maybe I'd crash on his couch or watch some Bulls games he had recorded for us.
My breakfast arrived and as I thought, I couldn't eat it. A hole in my heart was gnawing at my insides - leaving me hollow and broken. Empty and lost. To be perfectly honest, without her in my life, I had nothing. Even if she kept on pushing me away, I lived for the days she would return and stay for a while, even if it wasn't for that long. Just having her around made my life so much more - manageable.
I just sat there, poking at the eggs as I let my thoughts run their way, switching off and drifting myself away from this world. Away from all this heartache, pain, regret and turmoil going on around us.
The doorbell chimed for the utmost time that morning and I looked up, without focusing on whoever entered.
As soon as I did, I noticed her. She looked distressed, placing a crinkled envelope into the waiter's hand as she covered her mouth and pointed to me before leaving.
I wanted to jump up and stop her, but my body was frozen in place, completely paralyzed at the sight of her. The waiter handed me the message and gave me a sympathetic look before leaving and I knew exactly what that was.
A dear John.
All the strength I've tried to collect crumbled as I broke down in tears. I cried until my chest ached. Cried until I had no more breath left in my lungs. I felt like that was the final nail in the coffin.
That was the day the words ['Don't wait for me. I probably won't come back'] forced me to become the hard, dark person I've become. That was the day I vowed never to let Jane near me again - ever.