{[Jane}]
[No matter how much I look back into my past - through both the good and the bad - I wouldn't trade it for the world.
It's what made me, what sculptured me to be who I am today.
Yet no matter how it all falls apart, there's always been an 'art' in breaking hearts. There's never been any fair in farewell - for me, at least. But whenever I see you again in the streets, I pray to God you'd never see the silent 'hell' in 'I wish you well' - because you deserved it.
To go to Hell and rot there.
Forever.]
I stood there with the door in my hand, just [staring' at him. Why did he come back? Where's the hell was Tiffany? Where's [Jake]?
"Jane, please. I- I've made a mistake. My entire life has been one big damn mistake. I've always been so scared. Scared to lose you, scared that if things didn't work out I'd... I'd never see you again..." Matt started, taking his beanie off and squeezing it between his hands. "Tiffany is a mistake. You're right. She's not my type. No one has ever been. No one knew me... not the way you did."
"Nicholas, what are you saying?" I asked, scared shitless as I noticed Jake approaching down the hallway - a frown on his beautiful face.
I must have looked like a damsel in distress as I backed away from Matt, his expression still pleading and I knew - that took a hell of a lot of guts for him to do.
"I want to have a shot at us-" he asked, stepping forward and cupping my face as he bit his lip - searching my face for something that wasn't confusion.
"We did it once, it didn't work..." I answered hoarsely.
He shook his head. "Sex isn't what I want this time, Jane - I want [you]."
Before I knew it his lips were against mine, kissing me the way I wanted him to do for so many years. I wanted to grab onto him, draw him closer - kiss him back.
But my head screamed NO, urging me to push him away, salty tears streaming down my face as I covered it in my hands, falling to my knees - uncontrollable sobs escaping my frail body.
Jake was at my side in an instant, wrapping his arm around me as he leaned his head against mine. "JJ-" he whispered before getting back up, towering over Matt.
He just stood there, sadness overpowering him as silent tears rolled down his cheek before he softly apologized, turned away from us and left.
"Are you ok?" Jake asked, a fearsome side overpowering his voice as he glared at Matt as he cowered away like a wounded dog without looking back once.
He knew. He knew he was too late.
He knew the years of playing cat and mouse already took its toll on us. If only we gave in back then. Back then when we were both too scared to make the first move.
I bit my lip, staring after him before looking back at Jake, nodding my head as I pushed a smile.
I felt like someone walking on a tightrope, my throat tight - my heart pounding. All on edge. There was nothing I could do. The damage was done.
Jake helped me up, holding me tight against him as he stroked my back.
He sighed softly before whispering, "That's him, right?" I drew away from him, everything feeling like slow motion as I struggled to focus. I frowned, not saying a word as he cupped my chin. "The guy from your book?"
I don't know what hurt more? The fact that Jake knew my past or the fact that he read it behind my back, forcing new tears to spring from my eyes.
I tore away from him, dashing back into the apartment. He caught up with me in no time.
I struggled to push him away, but I felt too weak. Too tired.
He held my shoulders, trying to calm me down.
I was having another episode. Going crazy. Losing it. I couldn't handle all this pressure. It was just - too much.
I screamed at the top of my lungs, tugging to get away from him, but he kept calm. Willing to accept me - with faults and all.
I honestly thought he'd run for the hills if he knew.
I was trouble. There was absolutely nothing good about me.
He gently pressed his hand against my mouth and shushed me. He kept going until he felt my breathing slow again before removing his hand. He smiled and gently placed a kiss on my lips.
"I still love you, JJ." he started, wiping the loose hair out of my face. "What you were made you who you are. And I fell in love with the person you [are]."
If only he knew how much those words meant to me, yet he said it so effortlessly.
I really hoped he meant it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not ungrateful, to say the least, but I've been burned so many times before that I was just scared as hell to get hurt again.
I laid against his chest, surrendering myself as I took in his energy, closing my eyes to bask in the bliss I haven't felt in so long.
He picked me up, carrying me over to the couch and drawing me against him, "I'm here to protect you, don't you ever forget that." He whispered against my hair, planting a kiss on the top of my head.
"I know that now." I replied softly, crawling closer to him and laying back onto his lap.
No matter how happy I was, I couldn't deny the thought of what if. What if Matt and I did end up together? How could a one night stand between two friends have made such a huge difference? How could that have made such a life-altering event? Was that the main reason I couldn't just move on from him? The main reason I couldn't shake the thought of 'us'?
I just wish it wasn't pity sex. I wished it had actually meant something to us.
I didn't know how to move on - staring into a brick wall every time my life seemed to get better.
A huge brick wall called Matt Zwei.