{[Jane}]
[That night you inspected my wounds and asked what happened. I didn't want to tell you.
I couldn't.
Sure you were my best friend. We shared everything. But how? How on earth do I explain to you that the single person you told me to steer clear of, hurt me beyond repair - physically and mentally?
How do I just blurt out 'he raped me' without having another nervous breakdown and pushing you away?
You held my hand throughout the night and told me you'd keep me safe as you held me. You knew something was wrong - horribly wrong. There wasn't much I could ever hide from you.
You knew I was still a virgin and sex before marriage was taboo in my eyes. You knew I didn't want to sleep with Kyle.
It didn't take you long to put two and two together either.
You asked me if he forced me and I turned away, my heart racing uncontrollably as I remembered what happened. My vivid imagination playing it all back to me in technicolor.
I remembered the way he kissed me, becoming more and more desperate.
I regretted following him to his dorm the instant he closed and locked the door behind us. He asked me to undress, and I told him I wasn't ready. He disagreed, demanding that I undressed - and do it sexy.
My hands trembled uncontrollably as I tried to unbutton my blouse.
He growled and jumped up from the bed, ripping my blouse open and sending buttons flying all over the floor. I pleaded through tears and asked him to please open the door.
He chuckled as he unbuckled his belt, lurking closer to my quivering frame. He shoved me onto the bed and before I could manage a cry for help, he'd already firmly placed his hand over my mouth.
I tried to bite him, leaving him cursing and ranting as he grabbed a roll of duct tape. He bit it off and stuck it over my mouth. I cried hysterically, pleading with him between sobs. He wanted none.
I squirmed out under him, running for all it was worth, struggling to unlock his door.
He grabbed my arm with so much force; it surprised me it didn't break.
He spun me around, slapping me around until I fell silent. My erratic breathing the only sign left of my distress.
I tried to remove the duct tape, but he grabbed my arms and pinned them above my head as he forced me to the bed. One swift move and I was left vulnerable beneath him as he forced himself onto me.
I closed my eyes, thinking of Nicholas the entire time to keep myself from passing out.
It hurt so much.
Nothing like I thought my first time would be. He seemed to enjoy himself, thrusting and grunting as his fingers dug deeper into my fragile arms - bruising them even more.
I hated myself right there and then. Feeling like some cheap whore. But I stayed strong and kept myself from crying near the end.
'See, now that wasn't so bad, was it?' he chuckled, leaving me sprawled on his bed as he got up and tied his belt buckle again.
He didn't even use protection.
I was scared. What if something happened?
He tossed me his jacked and asked me to leave. I did as I was told, barely being able to walk.
It hurt. Everywhere - inside and out.
I demanded a transfer to a college closer to home in the morning, telling them I was getting homesick and my bipolar didn't make it any easier.
A psychologist appointment later and I was already standing in line - buying my bus ticket home and praying you didn't notice what happened.
But you did. You knew it was Kyle.
I pleaded for you to leave it be, that I didn't have the strength to face him again and that I couldn't bear the fact of that huge football player crushing him with ease. He didn't mind an easy fight - and that's all you would have been.
You offered to show me what my first time should have been like. I told you that I would like that, but when the time was right.
At that moment, I didn't want any men near me - not even him, no matter how much I wanted it deep, deep down... Somewhere in that godforsaken ruined soul of mine.
I needed time.
And lots of it to heal myself.]