{[Jane]}
"Is this why you wanted to see me?" I asked, finally breaking the awkward silence.
He averted his gaze to our hands, gently toying with my fingers instead.
"Matthew," I said a little louder this time, trying to get his attention.
He smiled up at me, biting back his words as he shook his head. "Its ok, Jane. We can talk about it another time," he answered softly.
"If something's bothering you, spit it out already," I said, gritting my teeth as I pulled my hand out from under his. "Grow some balls. Man up and stop being such a coward!"
He chuckled and rose from his seat. "Coward? You're the one calling [me] a coward? I'm not the one who's been avoiding this our entire friendship. Every time things [seem] to come to a point, you either go incognito and pop up miles away or magically reappear as soon as I have someone in my life," he said with so much hatred it could have scorched me alive, "I hope you and lover boy enjoy your life in LA. If you feel like popping by again, I'll probably still be here. Being your back up plan - as always."
I sat there, wordlessly watching him leave.
What he said - was true. It's never been him. He's never been the one avoiding a steady relationship with me. I always had a way to screw it up whenever he eventually [did] make moves on me. I guess I was afraid. Afraid of losing what I've just lost.
My best friend.
The brother I never had.
***
[I sat on the beach, digging my heels deeper into the dry, warm sand - staring out at the ocean, my sarong blowing in the light summer breeze. The seagulls screamed up ahead, chasing each other over the breaking waves.
It was another breathtaking day on this California beach and there I was - all alone, thinking of you. I wondered if you'd ever thought of me after that day.
The day Claire left me. The day I realized that you would be my undoing and that I had to flee. I couldn't handle the heat.
Having you near drove me insane, unable to control my own thoughts or be in control of my own body. It was like you had the ability to possess me like no other could.
I knew you'd probably have sent a dozen texts by now, asking where I was.
I made sure to avoid those. I needed to clear my mind and get my thoughts in order. The next time I'd face you - I needed to be stronger. I needed to be able to resist you - fight back.
I applied to lecture a couple of lessons at the local college to keep myself busy until I felt like going back to Chicago. Just a little assistant job to help me out and earn some extra cash while I started on the structure of this book.
I've always wanted to write one. Always had a passion for words and how they seemed to flow together and captivate the reader with their thrilling twists, turns and plot changes.
Never in my life had I ever imagined that my book would be about me and you. About our love and friendship... Our Suicidal Friendship that always steered itself in the worst possible scenario whenever we seemed to find the light. It had a poisonous way of keeping us glued together while it sucked us dry and tore us apart at the same time.
That was until I met him - Jake.
He seemed to change it all. Make my life so much simpler. He even managed to help me keep my mind off you.
I started enjoying living in LA. Not just to be close to him, but everything seemed to be much better here - much brighter and happier.
And happiness was all I wanted right then.]
***
I started packing my bags and getting my belongings together,knowing the moving van would have been around any second now.
Today was the day. The day we'd finally move in to Jake's new apartment.
I picked up my phone and checked for any notifications. Not a peep from Matt since the day he walked out of Starbucks. Nothing. Not a text, a missed call, a mail - nothing. It's like he just decided to flip the switch on us... forever.
I wrote him a letter on a piece of old crinkled paper that I found lying around and popped it into an empty envelope. If I knew him well enough, I knew exactly where he'd be.
I left the movers to load everything while I made my way to the Pick Me Up Cafe and sure enough, there he was. Bottomless mug of coffee - breakfast untouched.
It's been under a week since we last spoke and I didn't think he'd handle this well so I dropped the envelope off with one of the waitresses, glancing back at him as I left.
He looked right through me, his face a wordless expression of loneliness.
I wondered what happened to Tiffany. If they were even still together.
Did she knew about that night and what had happened between us? Did he tell her? Did he leave her to be with me, just for me to let him down and tell him I'm moving to another state with this other guy?
He realized it was me, seconds too late as I walked out the door. He closed his eyes and dropped his head and I could see his shoulders shake from across the road as he pinched his temple, taking the envelope from the waiter who tried to comfort him.
To say I felt bad would be the understatement of the year, but what could I do?
It seemed to me that we simply weren't meant to be.