{[Jane]}
As I pulled the car into the parking area and made my way to my mediocre middle class apartment, I couldn't help but feel this sickening heaviness of regret.
Regret that I let him slip through my fingers, that I never had the guts to make the first move, because I knew all too well how shy he could be. His low self esteem kept him back from so much in life and there was nothing I could do about it. Watching him label himself as an underachiever and worthless piece of society.
And to be honest, I didn't feel up to meeting his love interest. I was too scared to do what I always did - word vomit. Sometimes the filter between my brain and mouth malfunctioned and allowed me to screw up multiple situations in the past. I'd rather leave him be and pick up the pieces when they're done.
As always.
I fished out my keys and unlocked the apartment, finding it in the same state I left it in earlier on with the dim light of the kitchen stove illuminating my way through the darkness.
I placed my bag onto the table and slumped into my over-saggy couch, covering my face with my hands as I tried to clear my thoughts.
[What exactly happened today? Was it just me or was he sending major mixed signals? How did he have the ability to still my heart when I loathed him so much?]
I didn't know and I didn't want to. My life was complicated enough. Being confused both with this friendship and my sexuality was challenging enough. I liked men, but after Matt, I couldn't stomach another man being with me...
Until now.
I moved to Los Angeles shortly after finishing my studies, occasionally returning home to visit my parents, but mostly with the hope of Matt noticing me while I was in town. I guess that failed miserably. He never did. Even when I told him I was around, he seemed to be too preoccupied to make time for me.
I met Jake while I helped out at his college. He was the most caring gentleman I've ever met with the voice of an angel. He made me feel wanted. Loved. The way I yearned Matt would but never did.
My phone vibrated on the table, sliding all over the glass top as I watched the screen light up, an unknown number appearing on it. I was too torn up to speak to anyone right then, letting it go to voicemail instead.
The steady rumble of my belly reminded me of the fact that I haven't eaten anything after breakfast and ruefully skipped dinner thanks to Mr Zwei himself. After the day I had, I didn't feel like eating and settled for a drinking yogurt instead before having a quick shower.
I returned to the lounge with a blanket and crawled on the sofa, watching an uneventful ghost hunting program on cable. I found myself staring at the framed photo of Matt and me at the prom. We looked something like Morticia Adams and a Jamaican, both smiling brightly - our braces glittering in the flash of the camera. Those were the good times. Before everything went south; when Matthew became Matt, the famous rock star and kicked me into the gutter to rot.
I unpacked my laptop, setting it up before powering it on - Jake and me on the desktop. We looked happy together. I guess we were. But once again, fame had threatened to take my happiness away.
Hopefully our fate wouldn't be the same. We were moving in together next week after all. Things will get better then. I know it.
I opened the document containing my book, deciding to work on it until I had the will to fall asleep. I rarely did lately, effortlessly staying up for days on end without even a dash of sleep.
[Today marks the beginning of yet another one of those days. I packed my bags and you drove me to the bus stop. We had one of our awkward goodbyes again - your hand cupping my face only to plant a kiss on my forehead and whisper goodbye.
I never understood that. There was no 'good' in goodbye, no 'nice' in nice try, there was no more 'us' in trust. I was the low in lonely because I didn't own you as my 'only'. I could take every mistake I've ever made, but I couldn't take the ache in heartbreak.
I knew as soon as I took my seat and you walked back with your slumped shoulders and hands dug into your pockets, you'd be out there following your dreams and starting your new life.
'Us' all forgotten.
I watched you leave with undeniable sadness in my soul. The urge to call your name at the top of my lungs and I stop the bus, just to get off and run to your arms to declare my true love to you.
But I didn't. I couldn't. Like you - I was too much of a coward to admit it.]
The tapping at my door awoke me the next morning. My neck felt stiff and my body sore. I must have slept in the same position the entire night.
I ruffled my hair into a decent style and walked over to the door, giving my breath a quick whiff on the way there.
I checked the keyhole, my eyes too blurry and out of focus to make out the figure behind it as I unhinged the lock and opened the door. I leaned against the door frame, trying my best to wake up as I stared at the one person I just didn't feel like dealing with right then.
He stood there, smiling brightly with his arm wrapped around a petite little brunette... thingy. She was unlike his type, a real little miss perfect.
I had a strong urge to shut the door in his face, but I was better than that, so I forced a smile and rubbed my eye to hide my irritation.
"Hey," I said.
"Jane, were you still sleeping? It's nearly noon," Matt joked, chuckling at his own joke.
"No dumb butt, I'm pretty awake now," I snapped back.
"This is Tiff. Mind if we come in?" He asked, smiling down at her. She was pretty shy, awkwardly smiling back at me.
It was almost like she felt intimidated by me. And I liked it.
"Sure." I scoffed, standing aside to let them in.
[Knock yourself out.]
To my surprise he ushered her in, gently curling his arm around my waist while she stared at my apartment in awe. He planted a soft kiss on my cheek. I stood there, touching my cheek as the feeling of his lips lingered while he withdrew his arm.
He just intimately touched me - in front of his girl. If that wasn't leading me on, then I don't know anymore. He was confusing me again and I didn't have the strength to go through another round of disappointment. Not this time. This time I'd end it all. The pain. The misery and the irreplaceable heartbreak.