{[Jane]}
[[I held your hand as we sat down on the bench, like the friends we were - and the friends we'd forever be. You told me about your plans, about dropping out of college and starting a band. Armada Angelus. You'd be the lead singer.
I'd never forget that dreadful name. The name of the band that started it all. The band that set the wheel in motion to brutally murder our friendship and leave me gutted for life.
I bit down on my lip, keeping both my tears and words at bay.
I never got to tell you how I felt about you. It's been driving me insane for years, but I knew... I knew you wouldn't feel the same. You had thousands of young women throwing themselves at you, ready to obey your every command.
I wanted to be the one that knew you for you. Who'd rub your back and be there whenever you needed me. I wanted to be the one who knew what you needed whenever another episode approached.
The one who knew what to do instead of cowering away as soon as the first rays of light lit up your room, leaving it as empty as you were before they came into your life.
I just sat there, staring at my hands as you asked me, 'what's up?'
I smiled and you said that you liked my dimples. I wished you'd kiss me - I could see it in your eyes.
You wanted to.]]
I rested my hands on the keyboard, smiling at my confession and how perfect the words flowed together. My food had finally arrived, a familiar figure handing it to me.
"Jane." A deep, baritone voice said my name. I knew he had a smile plastered on his face, he usually did whenever he said it in that way.
"Matthew," I replied, taking my plate from him. I didn't know how to act - how to [react]. Frozen in place as he slid into the seat across me.
"Bingeing on take-out and typing on your latest book, I see," he said, motioning at my laptop. I shut the cover, nodding in reply.
"What's it about? Must be awesome to have you smiling like that," he said.
I felt like I could explode at any given second as irritation clawed me from the inside. How could he just walk in here after ignoring me for weeks then just chat it up like we haven't lost contact at all? "Why, Matthew?" I half-whispered, shoving my plate aside, my appetite gone.
He swallowed hard, avoiding eye contact as he placed his arms onto the counter, hands held together. "Jane, I-"
"Keep it," I bit out, shoving my laptop into its bag and bumping my piping hot coffee onto his lap as I jumped up to leave.
I didn't look back. Ignoring his commotion, I shoved a couple of dollars into my waiter's hands and softly thanked her before leaving.
It wasn't long before he came flailing out of the door, doorbell chiming as he called after me while dabbing a napkin to his lap.
I didn't feel like it. I couldn't. I couldn't just act like nothing happened.
He cursed under his breath as he clumsily tripped over a crack in the paving.
I quickened my pace, my car coming into view a street down as he steadily caught up with me, now only a few feet away as he called my name once more.
I clutched my laptop bag and broke into a sprint, not daring to look back for even a second as I unlocked my car and jumped in. Clicking the central locking just in time as he pushed his hands against my window.
He was laughing. Fucking [laughing] at me.
I scrambled for my keys, struggling to put them into the ignition. The car whined and choked - refusing to start. Relentlessly I tried once more, my fate unchanged as it hiccuped and died again.
Exasperated, I hit the steering wheel with all my might, falling onto my hands while still fiercely gripping the wheel. Why? Why [now] of all the times it didn't want to start.
"Open up, Jane," he said, his grin mocking me.
I flipped him the bird, refusing to look up. The car started to steam up inside, frosting the windows and fogging him from my view.
"Why?" I mumbled, turning my attention to him.
"It's good to see you again." A childlike grin formed on his beautiful face. I didn't know how to answer that. It was good to see him again too, but things weren't the same.
We went from acquaintances to friends, from friends to best friends. Then right back to friends and then acquaintances all over again. I was just some other girl he knew around Chicago.
He was almost my first kiss. I wanted to lose my virginity to him. But then again, that was me. He was my life, but Matthew - being Matthew - had a bigger picture in mind that didn't involve me.
"Why... Why are you crying?" he stuttered, reaching for me, urging me to open the glass with his pleading blue eyes.
"Nothing, Matt... It's nothing." I wiped my eyes with my sleeve.
"Don't lie to me, JJ. Open up... Please," he begged.
I hesitantly unlocked the doors, allowing him to open it. He offered me his hand, drawing me out of the car and against him. I clutched onto his hoodie as he stared into my eyes, slowly wiping my shoulder length black hair out of my face.
"I'm sorry," he caressed my cheek. "I have a tendency to fuck things up even more lately," he said.
I couldn't help but smile back. He was always so infectious. "I thought you didn't want contact with me anymore. You know, that you didn't need me anymore," I answered, averting my gaze to the paving below.
He lifted my chin, urging me to look at him. "I could [never] forget about you."
For a second there, I believed he was going to kiss me. Instead, he bit his lip and shook his head. He must have noticed the disappointment in my eyes as he tried to stop this situation from snowballing any further.
"It's not you, Jane-" he said.
[Let me take a wild guess... Is it you?]
"I haven't ignored your texts and mails on purpose. It's just that... I've met someone," he said, a genuine smile forming on his face as he thought of her. "Her name is Tiffany and she's just - perfect.".
He's never looked at me like that. Never spoken about me like that. That was when I realized that he was truly happy. He had found someone who accepted him for who he was - and it wasn't me.
"I'm glad. You totally deserve her," I replied, stepping away from him.
He grabbed onto my arm. "I'd like you to meet her-" he blurted out.
[Of course you would.]
"You're the only person I could trust to be brutally honest," he said softly.
I snickered, tugging my hand away from him. ''Sure, whenever she rips your heart out of your chest cavity and leaves you to bleed to death, trusty Jane will be there to clean up the mess and stitch you back together," I spat out, remembering the irony of my Sally tattoo on my shoulder that supposedly matched his Jack Skillington.
I thought we were bound to end up together, but I was wrong. Horribly wrong. "I guess I'll see you around," I said, opening my car and getting in.
He'd never be interested in me like I was in him. He wanted me as a friend, and that's all I'd ever be. I only realized it that day, and I could kick my own ass for giving myself false hope all this time.