CHAIN ALEZEIR
Pagkarating sa bahay agad niya akong dinala sa room namin, pabalyang ipinasok sa loob at sinira ng malakas ang pinto, banging the whole place.
He's staring at me like a mad man, grim face, clenching jaw, balled fist and hissing sighs. Okay, galit talaga siya sakin.
"What the fuck is wrong with you woman?" He broke the silence between us. His angry voice roared around the corner.
I knotted my forehead and raised my brow and confidently say. "Oh, Nothing. Why?"
He grunt in annoyance as he scratch his pointed nose. "Oh, c'mon stop this bullshit. Your flirting with that fuckin' man! Ano naenjoy mo, Chain? Gusto mo siya? Fuck! You should behave accordingly, Chain." He angrily shouted at my face.
It angers me, how dare him talk to me that way?
"Wow, behave accordingly? Coming from you talaga ha? Lakas! Why? Anong mali sa ginawa ko? I'm enjoying myself and yes I like that guy, Rage. I really like him and what's wrong with that? It's normal." I said as a matter of factly, unminding how his face turn more darker as he listen to me.
Gusto ko naman talaga si Rage, I like his bubbly personality, hindi ko alam kung ano ipinagpuputok ng butse ng lalaking to. But after hearing my answer he gasped aloud, mess his hair out of pissed.
He then grab me in my face, grip it tightly.
Hissing words as he speak, emphasizing his deep refusal. "It's not! You can't like that bastard. Hindi pwede, don't you fuckin' dare, Chain. Your still married to me may I remind yo-."
I cutted him off.
Tinapik ko pa ang mukha niya ng marahan, in a mocking way. "Oh you should remind yourself first then, Craig. Maybe you forgotten already who cheated first before? Hmmn? Huwag ako ang paalalahanan mo, I know how to act rightfully, Craig. And may I ask you why? Anong mali na magkagusto ako sa iba?"
I give him a mocking smile. "You already did, wala naman akong nireklamo sayo, then now pag ako? Bawal na? Malandi na agad? Ha! Wow! Ang amazing!" I clap my hand, ang galing.
I darted to him my serious gaze.
"Well, news flash Craig, hindi lang sayo umiikot ang mundo ko ngayon, hindi lang ikaw ang lalaki sa buhay ko, it's not always about you. Wala na tayo diba? You always said that to me. So bat ka nagagalit ngayon na may iba na akong lalaki sa buhay?" I bantered back, stating the painful truth.
I raised my brows as I cross my arms in my chest. "Duh, you should control your temper, Craig. Your enjoying yourself in the arms of another miss so I myself should enjoy mine too? Fair enough right? You know, I can like whoever I want and I can fuck every man I like." Walang pagaalinlangan kong sagot sa kanya.
Rubbing it to his fuckin thick face that I can live my life without him interfering.
Natutunan ko ng mabuhay ng wala siya, I learned it the hard way, barely surviving each day as it passed by me way too slower than I could ever imagine.
Mabagal, sobrang bagal ng oras noong nawala siya, bawat segundo ramdam ko ang sakit, ang pagluluksa ng puso ko sa namatay niyang damdamin para sa akin.
He shook his head in disagreement. Jaw clenching and gritting his teeth in rage. "Well, not fair enough babe. I fuckin' hate to see you ogling another man, not in my sight. I don't want to see my wife flirting her hearts out to any man. Chain, I'm still your husband." He pointed out a li'l bit off.
My humorless laughter boom in our room, punyeta talaga!
Ang benta ng joke. Grabe!
Tumaas lalo ang kilay ko at napahalakhak. "Oh husband now huh? Really? Kailan pa? You know maybe your claiming your right way too late, babe. My Husband was gone long long time ago, he left me alone. Hindi ka nagparamdam, iniwan mo pa nga ako diba?" I darted him my questioning look as I voice out my thoughts sarcastically.
I barely say in disappoinment in all the shits happened to us. Biting my lip hard so I won't stutter before I continued. "So husband my ass then. Sheets! Hindi ko kasi naramdamang meron pala ako non? Ay, shocks nagulantang yata ang buong nervous system ko! Kaya ang funny mo sa part nato, Craig. Gago ka lang pero never kitang naging asawa, well literally yes but not figuratively, you know what I mean right? Husband? Not even once, not close enough." I said mockingly to his unmoving state.
Malakas ang loob kong sabihin sa kanya ang katotohanang iyan kasi lasing ako, punyeta. Ang tagal kong itinago, kinimkim lahat ng sama ng loob ko sa kanya. Lahat ng gusto kong isumbat sa kanya mula noong iniwan niya ako, sinabi ko.
Mabuti yan nang siya naman ang matauhan sa punyetang masakit na katotohanan sa relasyon naming dalawa.
Masakit, yeah pero ganoon kami eh. Hindi ako ang pinili niya, hindi ako ang mahal.
I shrugged my shoulder carelessly, I don't really give a fuck right now.
Maybe nasanay na talaga ang puso ko maging manhid makinig sa pananakit niya. It takes a lot of guts and years of mastery before I perfected it though.
I smiled at him fakely, giving him my bravest state. "You know what, we should end this nonsense convo. Masakit na ang ulo ko, I'm fuckin'wasted. So shut the fuck up, Craig. Let's leave it here, it's not really interesting topic to deal with. It's a long long old tale, no need to reminisce."
I dismissingly said and headed to bed, leaving him speechless. Ganto naman kasi talaga kasaklap ang buhay naming dalawa. Wala namang bago kasi hindi niya pa din ako mahal at sa ibang babae pa din naman siya umuuwi.
I don't fuckin' know why is he anyway? Baka na miss niya na naman akong saktan, gawing tanga at sa huli, iiwan niya ulit na parang wala lang. Well, it's not that I'm not used to it, actually sanay na sanay na ako. Sa sobrang sanay na ako, hindi ko na alam ang totoong nararamdaman ko.
l'm so used of hiding the pain and my pleas when he's around.
Babalik siya kung kailan niya gusto at iiwan ulit ako kung kailan niya din gusto, ni walang palaam yan basta pag aalis na siya wala na dapat akong angal. Ang tanga no? Paulit ulit na pero heto parin ako, nagtiyatiyaga sa tanginang kakarampot na oras niya para sa akin.
Wala eh, ang marupok talaga kahit kailan di na yata magbabago. Isa ako sa patunay non.
Pagbagsak akong nahiga sa kama, padapa at pilit binabaon ang mukha ko sa unan para itago ang luhang pumapatak na pala mula sa mata ko.
Kahit paulit ulit niya akong saktan, nagtitiis parin ako. Martyr man pero wala eh hanggang ngayon mahal ko pa din ang punyetang yan.
Ganoon katindi ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya pero ganoon din siya kamahid para hindi niya yon maramdaman. Craig is the only man I let to have me whole, siya lang ang tanging lalaking sobrang minahal ko kahit hindi niya masuklian. I devoted my love only for him.
Sadly he doesn't do the same, he loves someone else.
I heard footsteps striding near my bed, probably Craig. Mas lalo kong ibinaon ang pagmumukha ko sa unan, ayaw kong makita niyang umiiyak ako ngayon.
"Chain, I'm sor-"
"Don't. Just stop this, Craig. We both know that we don't have any good words to exchange. So please, let's fuckin save ourselves from arguing trivial things. Shut the fuck up, I don't need your explaination." I cutted his words of forgiveness, wala rin namang mangyayari pag humingi siya ng tawad.
Nasasaktan na ako, kami dahil sa pinagagawa namin ngayon. Better off change topic or much better if he will just let me have my sleep, I'm so fuckin drunk and probably tired of all these heartaches.
I heard him took a deep breath, pissing grunt as the side of my bed move when he sit beside me. Marahan niyang hinahaplos ang buhok ko, tinapik ko agad paalis.
Minutes passed when finally he broke the silence between us. "What's happening to us Chain? You are now hating me for not being the good husband you needed. You know in the first place that I can't be that man for you right? I made it clear. We both tied the knot for convinience. We don't need to pretend that we are inlove with each other or even act like a married couple. Cause we are not, we are only married in paper not in real life. I don't love you and so do you. Don't make it hard for both of us, Chain."
Parang mas lalo niyang pinaparamdam sa akin ang katangahan ko. Yes, I don't need to pretend that I'm inlove with you because I already am, my love for you doesn't have any pretentions. Hindi ako nagsisinungaling sa pagmamahal ko sa kanya pero sabi ko nga, he can't see it.
He only thought I'm still here because of our deal. Ano pa nga ba ang karapatan ko? Ang kasal namin ay isa lang kailangan maisagawa para sa ikakabuti naming dalawa.
Pareho kaming nakinabang at ngayon sinasabi niyang ako ang nagpapahirap sa relasyon naming dalawa, maybe. Pero ako kasi ang lubos na nasasaktan, I'm always here for him but where is he when I needed someone? With somebody else.
I just need him but he only see me as his friend, an ally.
I forcely stop myself from sniffling a sound, hiding my face as my tears runs down my pillow and make it dumped wet. My heart was clenching by hearing him say those painful truth about our complicated situation. I balled my fist as I badly wanted to fuckin calm myself, trying hard not to be hysteric about my pitiful state.
I cleared my throat as I hide my shivering nerves. I just want to forget that this confrontation happened and I wanna have some sleep. I already have a lot of burdens and pains on my chest, I don't wanna hear more coming from him. At yon ang mas masakit, yong sa kanya mismo galing na hindi ka niya mahal. Mas kumapit yon, mas ramdam ko ang na isang bawat salitang binibigkas niya ng may diin.
After I took all the courage and guts to speak to him so I did. Laughing a little to avoid him noticing my shaking voice. "Oh I know that, Craig deep throuhg my heart and in my mind, I know the fact that we both need this marraige to survive. Don't worry it will be dissolve sooner, just wait a little and it will be over, uhrm, the two of us. I know you've been dreading the day to be free finally from me, from this wedlock. Don't worry ilang kendeng nalang magtatapos nadin tayo." I said as a matter of factly.
Gusto kong palakpakan ang sarili ko dahil feeling ko sobrang tapang ko nong masabinko ang mga katagang yan. Hindi man harapan pero atleast naiparamdamdam ko sa kanya na wala din akong pakialam na maghihiwalay kami, na kaya ko ding magtapang-tapang at maging hindi apektado na mawawala siya sa buhay ko kahit kunwari lang, kunyari lang na kaya kong mawala siya.
He held my hand tightly but I pulled my hand off. I don't want his touch, it made me more saddened by the thought that maybe it will be our last meeting before our seperation. I need to moved on and have my own life pala, mawawala na ang taong unang kong ginawang sentro ng buhay ko. Ngayon ko lang narealize na wala pala akong ibang ginusto kundi ang kasiyahan niya, eh pano naman ako?
I forgot that he maybe the source of my happiness but he has someone who gives him more define definition of happiness, love and sunshine and I'm not that one. I know who she is.
"Yeah. It will be months from now and our deal with my grandma will be off. We can file an annulment for our marriage. I can't wait to marry her, Chain." He said in full of hope and enthuiastic.
Wala na bang mas sasakit pa dito? Ang isipin ko palang nahiwalay kami ang sakit sakit na pero lalo naman yata ang malaman ko ng harapang hindi pa nga kami hiwalay may isusunod na siyang papapakasalan.
Punyetang buhay to oh! Parang gusto ko ulit ng alak, magpakalunod sa alcohol para naman tumigil na ang puso kong masaktan dahil sa kanya.
Ang sakit sakit na kasi, sobra. Hirap na hirap na akong pigilan ang paghikbi at ang luhang kong parang naka fertilizer sa sobrang sagana at hindi maawat ang pagpatak. Kahit sobrang init kinapa ko ang comforter at nagtalukbong ng kumot. I grip it tightly like my life was dependent in this cloth.
"Are you okay, Chain?"
Ang manhid talaga ng pakiramdam ng lalaking to, halos hindi na nga ako makahinga dito sa sobrang pigil ko sa pagiyak tapos tatanungin niya pa ako? Asan ang hustisya? Ang sakit na ng ngalangala ko sa sobra kong pigil wag lang niyang marinig ang hikbi ko tas gusto niyang malaman kung okay lang ako?
Punyeta!
I answered him with my calm voice. "I am. Gusto ko lang matulog. I'm tired." Pero bago pa man ako makarinig ng sagot mula sa kanya naunahan na siya ng pagtunog ng phone niya and I personally know that tone, it was only for her. Alam ko kaagad kung sino ang nasa kabilang linya, pustahan pa.
That's his supposedly mistress pero dahil alam ko ang katotohanang kay sakit, it's from the love of his life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, XB. All I could do was to take a peek and watch his back as he answered the call in the balcony, my eyes were really swollen ang puffy but my tearducts still producing warm liquids that continuesly cascades on my cheeks.
Seeing him as he talks to his woman through phone was a heart tightening scene, I saw how his face lit up and a wide smile broke on his lips before he answer the call as I followed my gaze towards his direction.
Ano ba ang pweding inuming gamot pampamanhid ng puso? I badly needed it right now. Sobra na kasi.
"Yes baby? What happened? Is she alright? Yeah? Okay, okay I'll be there. Yeah I'll be there, yes. Wait for me." He frantically said, urgency in his voice as he speak and his shock and weary state made me think that maybe something bad happens.
Dali-dali akong nagtalukbong ulit nong makita kong papasok na siya ulit sa kwarto ko, I don't want him to see my miserable face.
"Chain, Chain. I need to go, I'll be leaving you here. Fraiznaya needed me, she met an accident."
I didn't bother to say any words or ask questions because he hurriedly left the room where in, instantly. And just like that, he left me again. For his girl. Wala eh. Hindi ako ang mahal kaya ang bilis lang na iwan ako.
Siguro ganon talaga kaimportante si Fraiz para sa kanya, malamang, yon yung mahal eh. Wala tayong panama don, mahal siya, ikaw ginamit lang. See the difference? Hindi ka kasi nagcheck the label mommy eh. Wala ka tuloy comeback.
I stared at my ceiling, wala lang trip ko lanv makipagtitigan sa kisame, baka makita ko kasi kung gaano ako katanga at kung gaano ako nagsayang ng panahon para lang ipagpatuloy ang wala namang patutunguhan relasyong to.
Kasi kahit anong isip ko ako talaga ang dehado eh, ako pala talaga ang magisang maiiwan.
I wiped of the tears on my face as I let my sobs into a hard cry, I wanted to ripped off my chest ang take my heart out, it's too painful for me to handle. I wanted to be with him but he always choose someone else. Ano bang mali ko at kahit isa beses lang sana, sana ako naman ang piliin niya?
Sana ako naman ang mahalin niya? Sana ako naman ang unahin niya kasi ako naman dapat talaga eh, nauna ko siyang nakilala, nauna kitang nakasama pero sa huli hindi parin pala tayo na kahit ang sagradong kasala mawawalan ng bisa pag hindi talaga kayo nagmamahalang dalawa, nagmamahal naman pero ako sa kanya, siya naman sa iba, kay Fraiznaya.
Where do broken hearts go ba? I wanted to escape this pain I felt.
*****