They both walk in silence. Neither of them quite know what to say, although they both have something they wish they could. Tobias wants to apologize again. If he hadn't taken so long being trapped within old memories they would have been off to find Commodus sooner. Antinous wants to try to comfort Tobias again. He realized that Tobias was still jumpy and on edge, but he still didn't know why. All he wanted to do was help, but he felt as though he couldn't when he didn't have even the slightest clue as to what had stirred this reaction in him.
Together, they continued searching the building. But neither of them found a trace of where Commodus might have gone to. Antinous cleared his throat. "I think it's safe to say he's not here." He pointed out.
Tobias nodded. "Where else should we check?"
Antinous shrugged. "You go check along the shore, and I'll check the boat?" He suggested, wondering whether or not it would be a good idea to split up.
He nodded. "I'll come find you if I don't see him." Tobias said. "Or if I do see him I'll bring him over to you."
"Sounds good." Antinous agreed. But Tobias had already turned on his heel and started making his way towards the sea shore. Sometimes he wondered what went on in that complicated head of his. What thoughts swirled around, and how dark they could get if left to fester. Antinous knew that there were monsters behind his eyes. He knew that there were demons whispering things in his ears. He saw that in the way that Tobias had started shaking and apologizing a bit too suddenly for something that wasn't even his fault to begin with.
He stood there for a few moments, watching the blonde haired slave walk away. He wondered what he could do to fix things. He wondered how he could ever begin to make them right. He knew that there was something wrong, but he did not know how to crack the code that was Tobias. The thought ate away at him as he began to worry about both Tobias, and Commodus, who still happened to be missing. Then he remembered Hadrian too, and the way he was screaming with rage back in their bedchamber.
Antinous watched his sandals leave marks in the sand as he walked towards the ship. That was when he heard the cries. They were less like cries, and more like loud sobs. They were the sobs of someone who was in pain. They were the sobs of someone who's heart had been broken in two so many times that there were permanent cracks in the spots where it had been ripped apart, again and again by a destroyer who was never satisfied by the amount of damage he caused. It was Commodus on the deck of that ship, watching as the waves drifted against the shore, wishing there was something to soothe the pain in his heart.
But there wasn't.
Until the curly haired Greek boy who happened to be the Emperor's current favourite boarded the the ship. At first Commodus was angry. It was young Antinous who'd been the start of all his problems, so what right did he have to approach him now? Especially everything that had just happened at the feast. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to be left alone. So why was he so comforted by the presence of someone else nearby?
"Antinous?" He spoke, trying to wipe the tears from his eyes. "Shouldn't you be at the feast?" Commodus said, adding a tone of attitude in his voice. He didn't want Antinous here right now. He didn't want the Emperor's current favourite to see how he was grieving over everything he'd taken from him.
"I came to check if you were alright." He said, sitting down beside him on the deck of the ship. The wooden board creaked beneath him as he sat down beside Commodus. Then he noticed his tear stained cheeks. Then he saw the look on his face. Then he saw bags under his eyes. And remembered how this was the exact same spot he'd come to cry just a few days ago. He sighed. He knew there was something wrong, but he never knew how to fix people. He never knew how to put broken hearts back together, and that was the problem right now. The problem was all the people he couldn't fix. Both Tobias and Commodus were hurting and he couldn't help them. He didn't know how. But he knew that he had to try.
Commodus more tears from his eyes, wishing he could disappear. "I'm alright. Sorry for interrupting the feast with my dramatics." He said. That was what Hadrian always referred to his moods as. 'Dramatics' he'd called it. Whenever Commodus made a scene in public. Whenever he'd tried to break things off. Whenever he started crying because everything was too much. That was what he'd dismissed it as.
"It's not your fault, I just wanted to ask you what's wrong?" He said gently.
"It's nothing." He insisted, turning his face away from Antinous. "You should probably be getting back to your feast soon. The Emperor will be wondering where you've gone to." He said, wishing that he could be alone right now. Wishing that he knew how to deal with his emotions. Wishing that Hadrian had never reeled him in with affection in the first place. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. Unfortunately, none of his wishes came true. Commodus looked up at the young Greek with tear stained cheeks. There was a sadness in his eyes that seemed to run all the way down into his heart.
"It's not nothing." Antinous said, trying to encourage Commodus to tell him what was wrong. "I can see that something is wrong." Antinous let out a deep sigh. "And I want to help, if you'll tell me what it is."
"You wouldn't understand." Commodus sniffled, there were still a few stray tears on his cheeks. Of course Antinous would never understand. He was the Emperor's current favourite. He could have anything in the world. He could probably have the whole world, if he asked his lover for it. Antinous had everything. Meanwhile, he had nothing. He had nothing but the memory of what he used to have. He had nothing except the hopelessness that seemed to be weighing him down at the moment.
"You can try to talk about it?" He suggested, hoping that even if he didn't understand, that maybe talking about it would help him. He didn't know what to do, but all he knew was that if he didn't find out he would feel even more disappointed in himself. He was determined to help, but he didn't know what to say or do that would help change Commodus's current mood into something more like his normal self.
"I can't." Commodus whispered. "You'd hate me." Antinous furrowed his eyebrows at that response. "You probably already hate me." Commodus's thoughts were only swirling further down that deep dark hole. And he didn't have very much longer until he reached rock bottom. His mind was attacking him from all sides, and the walls were already starting to fall down.
"I don't hate you, Commodus." Antinous put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Now would you please tell me what's wrong so that I can try to help you?" Antinous wasn't trying to pressure him into speaking. He simply wanted to know what was wrong. He simply wanted to be able to help the broken person sitting in front of him. He felt bad, for everything that he was sure had happened to Commodus. He felt bad for allowing Hadrian to treat his old lovers so cruelly.
"I-I don't even know where to start." He paused. "I don't even know how to explain what I'm feeling to you. You probably wouldn't understand them." Commodus said, his voice sounding small and weak, as though he didn't have the confidence or the motivation to speak at his normal volume. That's because it wasn't the normal Commodus sitting in front of him. This was someone else. This was a different Commodus entirely. This was Commodus with the mask taken off. It was then, and only then that Commodus would let his emotions go free. And as soon as he saw Antinous again, he was already in the process of trying to bottle his emotions up again.
"Just try." Antinous encouraged. That's all I'm asking for. He gently rubbed Commodus's back, hoping to soothe him, even just a little bit.
That's when Commodus let out a shaky breath, and opened his mouth to speak. At first, he hadn't meant to say much, but soon the words started coming tumbling out, and he couldn't hold them back anymore.