Tobias sat in the slaves quarters, quiet and silent as a mouse. He was normally more talkative, but now he had too many thoughts to think about. Tobias had seen too much. He'd felt too much. And it was all coming back to him, all at the same time. He stared down at the plate sitting in front of him, slowly losing the minimal appetite he'd had in the first place. Tobias nibbled at his bread a bit, wishing that he wasn't in a crowded room. Wishing that he could be alone. Wishing that he'd never had to be a slave in the first place. Tobias longed for the moments when he was free. When this wasn't his life.
"Are you alright?" Commodus sat down beside him, looking over at him untouched porridge and the piece of bread that only had a few nibbles taken from it. Tobias stared at him with a look of shock and confusion. Why was he sitting down beside him when they'd hardly ever spoke anything more than a few words before.
Tobias nodded. Although he wasn't alright, he was used to pretending. "Yes, is there something I can assist you with?" He asked. After all, that was the purpose of a slave, now wasn't it? To work and work until they're too tired out, and then to keep working some more.
Commodus nodded and leaned down to whisper in Tobias's ear. "Antinous is worried about you." He let his eyes gaze around the room for a bit, wondering if anyone nearby was listening in. It was easy to cause a scandal. It was easy to stir rumours, to weave new ones out of half truths, and white lies. Commodus knew how easy it was because he'd done it a number of times before.
Tobias gave a weary smile. "I assure you he has nothing to be worried about. I'm perfectly safe here and no harm will come upon me." Commodus stared at his expression, examining and attempting to dissect every last detail of his face. Weary smiles were almost never a good sign.
"He said something about you seemed... off. That you'd been acting a bit differently than usual, and I believe he was wondering if it was because of something he'd said or done?" Commodus suggested. He didn't want to be too direct about something like this, but he also didn't want to keep asking Tobias if he was actually alright. Chances are, most people who aren't alright won't admit that they aren't. At least some. Commodus knew that he for sure was one of those people who had the tendency to hide their emotions. And he knew from experience that keeping things like that locked inside could be dangerous.
Tobias was thrown off by the question. He didn't know whether to be truthful or whether to continue hiding everything inside. It felt like there was a huge weight pressing down on his shoulders and he wasn't quite sure what to do about it. Tobias knew he couldn't put his broken pieces back together on his own, but he also didn't know how to ask for help.
"I'm perfectly fine." He insisted, wondering if Commodus could hear everything he was hiding behind his voice.
"Are you sure?" Commodus asked one last time. He hadn't known Tobias for very long, but he cared. He wanted to know whether or not he was alright. He wanted to know whether or not there was anything he could do to help him. Commodus wanted to do his best to try to be a better person, but still he wasn't sure how to go about that.
Tobias felt a knot in his chest. He wanted to say that he wasn't alright. That he'd been doing terrible and he didn't know how to fix the memories that seemed to follow him around like ghosts wherever he went. He wanted to let the words fall from his mouth like raindrops, but he feared that if he said anything, everything else would come tumbling out. But he didn't know how much longer he could keep everything trapped inside. He didn't know how much longer he could try to hold himself together as he slowly began to fall apart. And he didn't know why, but he finally admitted it.
"I'm not alright. Sorry." He didn't know why he was apologizing for it. You shouldn't apologize for not being alright, yet it seemed that was what he was doing anyway. Truth be told, Tobias hardly understood his emotions, let alone figuring out how to explain them to someone else.
"Don't be sorry." Commodus didn't think this far ahead. He didn't think about whether or not it would be better for him to talk to Antinous or to keep talking to him in the middle of the slaves quarters. "I- I'm not very good at the whole comforting people thing. But, um, if you'd like to talk to Antinous you can?" Commodus didn't know what to suggest, it was probably better that he talked to Antinous anyway. After all, he knew Antinous at least a bit better than he knew Commodus.
Tobias didn't know how to reply. He almost wished that he hadn't said anything at all about how he was feeling. He should have known to keep everything inside. He should have known better than to bother people about things like this. "I think I'd like to go talk to Antinous. I suppose I was acting a bit strange earlier, but I guess it would be good to go comfort him that I'm alright." Tobias gave him the same weary smile that had been plastered across his face earlier.
"Yeah, I think he'd like to see you." Commodus didn't fully know what was going on between the two, but he had a suspicion that Antinous was starting to feel something for the young slave. He only hoped the Hadrian would never find out about it. If the Emperor ever knew, it wouldn't mean anything good for anyone. Hadrian had the tendency to act before he thought, especially when it came to love, or feelings. As a ruler, he was smart and just, but as a lover he was erratic and unpredictable.
Tobias nodded. He didn't know why, but something about being around Antinous tended to calm him down. When he was around Antinous most of the time he felt alright. He felt as though everything was going to be alright. He wasn't quite sure how to describe the feeling, but it was a good one. It was calming. And he wasn't quite sure why, but he felt that around Antinous.
"He's in his room." Commodus said. "You know where it is, right?" He asked.
Tobias nodded. "I've been there a few times, yeah."
"Just go on, your own. I have to get back to the feast." Commodus said. He knew he should be making sure that Antinous was alright, but he also had to make sure that no one started spreading any nasty rumours about him back at the feast. Although Commodus wanted to be there to comfort them both, he thought it would be better if he weren't there. He was nearly a stranger to the two of them and he had a feeling that he wasn't going to be able to make things any better.
Tobias agreed. "Alright." He said simply, not too sure what else could be said. "Are you sure, though?" Tobias had seen the redness in Commodus's eyes just before they'd gone back inside. He knew that Commodus had been crying, but he didn't know why, nor did he know what Antinous had someone managed to do to comfort him.
Commodus nodded. "I'm sure." He spoke gently. "Besides, I'm fairly certain Antinous would like to speak with you alone." He said the second part even quieter than the first. If anyone were to hear it would be the end of them both. And Commodus didn't want to die at the hands of an ex lover, much less one who's as skilled with a blade as Hadrian is. The Emperor was someone who's bad side you definitely didn't want to be on. And if you were, then you better be hoping that the gods will save you, because otherwise, there is no escaping Hadrian's blade.