Tobias softly walked into the room, gently closing the door behind him. A silence echoed throughout Antinous's bedchamber as his soft footsteps made just a bit too much noise. Antinous was standing on the other side of the room near his bed. Tobias wasn't sure what to do or say, he knew he should start by apologizing for the way he'd reacted earlier. He should say sorry for worrying Antinous so much, but he didn't know where to start.
Antinous was overthinking. He was always overthinking. He couldn't seem to get his mind to stop, or think rationally for once. It was strange, the way his mind tried to turn the smallest things into the most terrifying situations. It was strange, the way his brain tried to turn even just a few words of phrases into the end of his world. It always felt as though the walls were crashing down around him, as though nothing would ever go the way he wanted it to. He just wished things would work out for once.
"Antinous?" He called from the other side of the room, hating the way the silence seemed to fill the air. Antinous turned and looked over at him. He wasn't expecting Tobias to actually show up.
"Sorry, who exactly sent you here?" Antinous asked, a confused look on his face. He wondered exactly what Commodus had told him. And after everything Antinous had confessed to him, he also wondered whether Commodus now knew too much.
"Commodus told me you were worried about how strangely I was acting earlier?" Tobias asked, confused about what was going on.
"I am, but-" Antinous sighed. "-I don't know, I fear I confessed a few too many of my secrets to him." Antinous had only told Commodus a few things, but he feared that 'a few things' was a few too many. And clearly, Commodus didn't know how to keep his mouth shut. And apparently Antinous didn't know how to either, considering how much he'd just told Commodus when he should have been keeping his mouth shut.
"I'm sorry." Antinous mumbled. "I told Commodus a few of my secrets. Did he tell you everything?" He was worried about how much Tobias knew. And also about how much Commodus had figured out about what was going on.
Tobias shook his head. "All he said was that you were worried about me, and that I should come back here to explain things to you." He said quietly, still confused about everything that was going on. He was still confused about what secrets Antinous was keeping, although while he was curious, he wasn't going to force Antinous to tell him everything that he clearly wanted to keep hidden. After all, Antinous didn't know all Tobias's secrets, and that was definitely a good thing.
Antinous let out the breath he'd been holding and relaxed his shoulders a bit. "Yeah, I don't know, I just told him about how I'd snapped at you and how you seemed so upset after..." He trailed off, not knowing what else to add to his apology to make Tobias think that he was truly sorry. He didn't know why he chose to yell instead of staying calm. He knew he shouldn't have. He knew he should have instead just explained what was happening in a less harsh voice.
"It's alright." Tobias just shrugged. "I'm sorry I was acting so out of it earlier." Antinous put a gentle hand on his shoulder.
"You don't have to be sorry." Antinous replied. "I was just worried about it all." He confessed, not quite knowing what to say. He wanted to check whether or not Tobias was actually okay. He wanted to know how he was actually doing. He wanted to know what might have happened to make him react the way he did. But he knew he couldn't. He knew he'd probably never know, unless, for some reason, Tobias trusted him enough to tell him. Which he probably didn't.
"You don't have to worry about me." He said, wishing he could reassure Antinous that he was alright, even though the truth was that he wasn't. He just wished that all his old memories would stop coming back to him at the worst of times. He wished that he could simply forget that all of it ever happened in the first place. But it seemed that no matter how hard he tried to leave the past behind, it always came back.
"Well, I'm worried anyway." Antinous replied.
"And I'm saying that you don't have to be. I'm really not worth the trouble of worrying that much. I'm just a slave." He shrugged.
Antinous was getting frustrated with how stubborn he was being. With the way that he was trying to insist that Antinous shouldn't care about him. Yet he did. Yet no matter how many times Tobias told him not to worry, he was still worrying. He still cared. He still wanted Tobias to be alright. He still wanted to help him, yet he couldn't figure out how. He couldn't figure out what he should do to convince Tobias that he wasn't giving up anytime soon.
"Perhaps you mean more to me than that." It was a bold statement for him to suggest. And he wasn't quite sure whether or not Tobias believed it, but it was true. Antinous never saw slaves as mere slaves. He never saw them as property. Instead, he regarded them as people. And the person standing in front of him was definitely someone he cared about. He was definitely someone Antinous wanted to get closer to. But most importantly, he was someone who meant something.
"Don't be ridiculous." He said. Tobias thought it was a ridiculous thing to suggest. That he could never be considered more than a slave. After thinking of himself as nothing more than another form of property, Tobias didn't believe a word he said.
"I'm not being ridiculous." Antinous insisted. "It's true."
"Is it really?" Tobias asked with his eyebrows raised. He was having serious trouble believing a single word that came out of Antinous's mouth. But at the same time it confused him. It confused him the way that he wasn't giving up. The way that he'd called him back here in the first place. Somehow, it messed with his mind a bit. "If I mean more to you than a mere slave, then what am I to you?" Tobias asked. It was the question that had been burning through his mind for quite a while. It had been burning through his mind since he realized how much Antinous seemed to care about him when he shouldn't care at all.
Antinous felt flustered and put on the stop. He didn't know whether he should say the truth. He didn't know whether or not he should lie to make things better, because the truth was that he cared about Tobias more than he ever cared for Hadrian and that was a truth that could get someone killed. But of course Hadrian would never kill Antinous. He would only kill Tobias and force him to watch. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that Antinous couldn't love who he wanted to love. It wasn't fair that he couldn't leave, or do whatever he wanted with his life. It wasn't fair that he would forever be held prisoner to Hadrian's love and enamourment.
He knew he couldn't fall for anyone else. Yet it seemed that he was. And even worse than that there was nothing he could have done to stop the words from spilling out of his mouth.
"Does it matter why I care as long as I do?" Antinous asked. He didn't know how else to reply. "I care about you as more than simply a slave, does it matter why that's so?" He asked.
Tobias shrugged. He was done arguing. "I suppose not." He wasn't sure what else to say. He didn't want to talk about how bad he felt. He didn't want to talk about what had happened in the past. Tobias was the type of person who wanted to try to hold everything inside until his feelings overflowed and he slowly began to break.
"Will you talk to me now?" Antinous put a hand on his shoulder, trying to reassure him. He knew Tobias likely didn't trust him. But he was worried. And he was afraid of triggering another reaction like that. And Antinous needed to know what he'd done wrong to provoke that in the first place. He wanted to help him, but he didn't know how to get past the walls that Tobias seemed to build up around his heart.
Tobias shrugged. "I-I don't know how." He replied. "I'm sorry." He didn't know how to explain. It felt as though he'd been hiding things in for so long that he wasn't sure how to let them out. He didn't know how to do anything except pent everything up, but he knew he should probably figure it out. He knew that it wasn't healthy to pent everything up. He knew he should be trying to explain things to Antinous, but he didn't know how.
"Don't be sorry." Antinous replied. "I just wish I could help." He mumbled. He didn't know how to help Tobias, but he wished that he did. He wished he could do something to soothe him. To calm whatever dark thoughts were happening in his mind.
"It's alright. I'll be fine." He insisted.
"Will you really?"
"I don't know." He shrugged. It wasn't as though it actually mattered.
"I'm sorry for yelling at you, I was just struggling to find where Commodus had disappeared too, and I was worried about him." Antinous tried to explain, but he knew he shouldn't have been yelling at him in the first place. He knew he should have tried to stay calm and spoken in a different tone, but in the heat of the moment, he'd gotten frustrated.
"It's alright. I'm sorry I was acting so strange afterwards." Tobias didn't know how to explain in a way that didn't make him seem like a complete nutjob. He didn't want to weird Antinous out, or make him think that he was unfit for work and should be sold off to someone else. He didn't want his worst fears to come true, yet there was always the chance that they would. And the thought of it happening was lurking in the back of his mind.
"It's alright. It was my fault for yelling in the first place, I'll make sure not to do it again. I know I probably scared you." Antinous thought it would be better to just blame himself for the whole situation.
Tobias didn't know what to reply. "Okay." He said. He was still convinced that it was his fault. Antinous probably thought he was strange now. He probably didn't want to talk to him anymore. "I'm still sorry for acting strange." He said again.
Tobias couldn't stop staring straight at him. There was something about Antinous that he couldn't help but find attractive. And maybe it was nothing more than his good looks, or the fact that he cared for once, but he still couldn't tear his attention away. He couldn't make himself think about anything else. He couldn't make himself think of anybody else.
Antinous was too busy admiring the way that Tobias looked to pay any actual attention to what he was doing. Before he realized it he was leaning in closer. Before he realized it, he realized how much he wanted to kiss Tobias's lips. But instead he regained his thinking and gave the boy in front of him a hug. It was the least awkward thing he could do. He hadn't meant to try to kiss him. He didn't even know for sure whether or not he felt himself actually attracted to him or not. Everything in his heart was too confusing, and a thousand thoughts were going through his mind, yet he couldn't focus on any single one of them. He didn't know whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, but either way, he knew that if he let himself fall for Tobias only the worst could happen.
Tobias didn't know what to do. He wrapped his arms around Antinous's torso. He didn't know how to feel about the moment, but something about it felt nice. It felt right. It felt like everything was finally coming together. As though everything would be alright in the end. He felt like maybe Antinous was someone he could trust. That maybe he was someone Tobias could finally talk to about everyone, and while the thought of talking about his past was frightening he thought that he might be ready to share, at least a little bit.