"Antinous?" Tobias said, as his fingers stopped working on adjusting the fabric of the toga. "Are you alright?" He said in a soothing voice. Seeing the amount of hurt in the young boy's eyes nearly broke his heart in two.
Antinous was shocked. He couldn't help it. No one had ever cared for him like that before. No one had ever cared to get to know him, to pay attention to him or care for him when he was feeling down. And even the gods know that Hadrian only cared for Antinous's good looks. He gave Tobias a weary false smile, though knowing that Tobias would be able to see right through it.
"I'm alright." He reassured him. "Don't worry about me." He said softly, wanting to put Tobias's concern at ease. He didn't want to feel like a bother to him, especially not when they'd just begun getting to know each other. Tobias started to run his hands gently through Antinous's curls, something his mother had done for him whenever he was upset, or had woken up from a nightmare.
"I can tell something's bothering you." Tobias whispered. "You shouldn't have to pretend around me." He wanted Antinous to know that he was cared for, truly cared for. That he could let himself be free around Tobias, and not care what he would think, because Tobias knew that no matter what Antinous did around him, he would still feel that same feeling. He would still feel his chest aching, though not out of sadness.
"I don't know how to let it out." Antinous tried to explain. "It feels as though I've kept everything inside for too long, and now that I want to share my emotions with someone, I'm not even sure about where to start." Antinous ranted, confused about how his heart wanted to function. Confused about how he'd held everything in for so long that he'd nearly forgotten how to simply let it out. He'd forgotten how to be himself, or how to take back the life he once lived before Hadrian had taken everything away from him. He wasn't supposed to be feeling these things. He wasn't supposed to be dealing with this. He was supposed to be living on a fam quietly in some lonely Greek town that no one knew about. Yet instead here he was, caught up in drama and keeping secrets from Rome's Emperor.
Tobias put a gentle hand on his back. "Just try, it doesn't matter where in the story you start, or even whether or not it makes sense. All that matters is that you're able to get things off your chest," He whispered. "I don't want to have to see you hurting like this." He added, thinking back to the days when he'd been a slave working for his old owners. Remembering those moments not so long ago when he'd finally managed to get everything off his chest instead of bottling it all up, remembering the times when he'd managed to start talking about it with Antinous, about how finally, he felt as though he could learn to trust others again. As though finally, he could unlearn what being in that cruel place had taught him.
Antinous took in a deep breath, feeling thankful that he had someone like Tobias by his side. "I hate the Emperor." Antinous said. The words slipping out of his mouth before he'd even had a spare moment to contain them. His mouth fell open in shock about what he'd just confessed. About the amount of trouble those simple words could get him into. Then he laughed. And said those same words again, repeating them louder this time.
Tobias laughed with him. "I also hate the Emperor." He stated loudly and proudly, trying not to think too hard about what might happen to him if someone other than the two people in that room were to hear.
"Let's go out to the ocean and scream it at the top of our lungs." Antinous suggested boldly. "I want all of Rome to know how much I hate Hadrian, and about how much of an awful lover he is. I want them all to know how wicked and vile he is. I want them to know about how he'd stolen my youth. About how he tricked me into leaving Greece. Into leaving my family." A somber look crossed his face. Antinous tried to push back the tears that were starting to make their way into his eyes. "I want back the childhood that he stole from me." Antinous spoke, as Tobias pulled him in closer, gently wiping the tears from his eyes. "I don't want to be Hadrian's boy." his voice cracked as he admitted it. "I'm becoming a man. Why won't he let me become a man?"
Antinous felt his chest heave with loud sobs, as he tried to continue, but could barely speak as the tears flowed like waterfalls down his cheeks. Tobias didn't know how he could watch Antinous endure this. He didn't know how he could continue to stand back as someone he cared about got hurt. Antinous closed his eyes, trying to block out everything, trying to ignore all the memories, trying to stop remembering everything that had happened between him and Hadrian, trying not to remember everything that Hadrian had done to him. He didn't want to have to deal with all of that anymore. He didn't want to have to deal with being the object of Hadrian's nearly suffocating amount of affection anymore. It felt as though his throat was closing up and he was drowning trying to hold all this weight upon his shoulders.
He didn't know how much longer he could keep on. He didn't know how much longer he could force himself to stay with the person who he felt was taking everything from him. He didn't know how much longer he could continue to stay trapped. To be the person that Hadrian wanted him to be. To continue to put up the facade. He didn't know how much longer he could keep pretending, keep wearing that same old mask, and pretend to be something he wasn't. He didn't wanted to be used by Hadrian anymore. He didn't want to be the Emperor's toy, free to manipulate however he wanted, and then to discard after when he decided that Antinous was getting too old for his tastes.
"I want to be with you." He told Tobias, his voice hoarse from crying. He didn't want it to come out sounding as weak as it had. But he knew that Tobias would understand how much he meant to him. He hoped that Tobias would know how much he was cared for, truly cared for.
"I want to be with you too." Tobias confessed, wiping more tears off his lover's cheeks. It was then that Tobias knew. It was then that he realized just how happy he was. How he felt to finally be with someone he loved. Someone he cherished in the way that he did Antinous. It was strange how he felt as though they'd just met, and yet he was already starting to fall deeper and deeper in love with him each day. Each moment that he got to spend with him.
"Let's do it." Antinous said "Let's run away together."