"I used to get beaten by my old owner." Tobias blurted out. "I was hurt too many times for me to even remember them all." He tried to take a deep breath, already knowing he was going to get upset. "B-Before he hit me, he always started yelling at me." He took in another shaky breath, trying to steady himself enough to keep talking, enough to apologize for wasting Antinous's time. And before he knew it, he was trying to hold everything back again. He was trying to contain it all inside the vice that he referred to as his heart. Instead, he wished he hadn't said anything at all. He knew that it was a secret he should have kept locked away. He was supposed to be able to handle being yelled at. He was supposed to be able to handle nearly being worked to death. He was a slave. He was nothing. Yet he couldn't handle it. Not in the slightest. And in his heart he still felt human. He still felt the same way that he did before he'd sold himself into slavery.
Antinous was slowly starting to understand what might have happened. He started trying to piece together what might have been Tobias's past based on the few sentences he'd been told. He now knew that yelling was something that reminded Tobias of those terrible moments in his life. Of moments he wished he could erase. Antinous didn't want to be another bad memory for him. Yet that was what he feared he might become.
"Is it alright if I hug you right now?" Antinous asked. He wanted to be sure that it was alright for him to do so. It was helping Tobias that mattered most of all at the moment, and if a hug didn't help him, then Antinous wouldn't offer one.
Tobias nodded. It was what he needed right now. He wrapped his arms around Antinous's torso, wishing that his sadness would vanish from existence, but knowing that it wouldn't. Knowing fully that the sadness in his heart might never go away. That there was nothing he could do but try to pluck the sadness from his heart and pretend it was never there in the first place. Although pretending never seemed to make it go away.
Antinous hugged him tightly, nearly trying to squeeze the sadness out of him. He didn't know how one person could contain so much pain within them. He didn't know how one person could carry all this weight on their shoulders, and as much as Antinous wished that he could lighten the burden, he knew that there wasn't much he could do to help Tobias, other than sit and listen. He knew that he couldn't just sit here and watch everything that Tobias was going through and do nothing about it. He knew that he couldn't simply watch what people were going through without trying to help them. And he knew that Tobias was one of those people who seemed like they'd been needing help for a while.
"I'll be alright, I swear." Tobias muttered, hoping that those words were true, even though he wasn't actually sure whether or not he'd be alright in the end. Still, he said it anyway.
"Are you sure?" Antinous asked. He had to know. He had to know whether Tobias was telling the truth or whether he was only making things up to reassure him that he would be okay. He already knew that Tobias didn't want him to worry. That he wanted to keep ignoring his problems and all the pain that they were causing him.
Tobias nodded, even though he wasn't sure. After all, it was for the best. It was what was supposed to happen. And he was afraid that if he let Antinous help him, he might accidentally end up falling for him. And that was the last thing either of them needed at the moment. The last thing either of them needed was for someone to fall in love. And Tobias feared that was already what was destined to happen. He feared that he was already starting to fall in love. That he was already starting to feel himself getting attracted to the boy he was forbidden to fall for. He was already the Emperor's lover. And god bless the person who chose to mess with someone Hadrian was so madly obsessed with.
Antinous didn't seem convinced. In fact, the only thing he was convinced of was that Tobias was hiding something from him. And while he wasn't going to force him to share, he wished that Tobias didn't feel the need to hide things. He wished that there was something he could do. Some way he could solve the problem.
"You should probably get back to the feast." Tobias pointed out.
"I don't want to."
"You should," he replied.
"Okay." Antinous huffed in response. He didn't want to talk about the fight he'd had with Hadrian. He didn't want to talk about the way that the emperor seemed to be trying to take control of his life. That he already had full control of everything that Antinous did, that he'd already spent up his childhood in ways he wished he hadn't, all because of that man.
"Everyone's probably wondering where you are." Tobias pointed out again. He was getting worried that somehow someone would notice that the two of them were gone at the same time, even though they were both supposed to be in different places. He was worried that someone would realize and think that there was something going on between the two. And that was the last thing Tobias needed right now. He knew that if something happened because of him he might end up sold off to someone even worse than his last master.
Antinous huffed. "Trust me, no one's wondering."
Tobias furrowed his brows in confusion. "What do you mean by that?"
"After the scene I made? I'm sure everyone knows I'm hiding away. And after the fight I had with Hadrian, I'm not sure I can show my face to him right now without trying to spit on him." Antinous remembered how angry he'd gotten. How much he felt like simply walking out of the building and running far away, to someplace distant where no one knew him and he wouldn't have to be the Emperor's lover. Antinous shook the thought from his head. It was nothing more than a fantasy.
"Oh." Tobias said. "But don't you think he'd forgive you?"
"I don't want him to forgive me." Antinous said. "I just want him to admit that I'm right for once. I just want him to stop treating me like I'm just his little boy. Like I'll always be just his little boy, even though I'm already beginning to grow up into a man." He sighed. He didn't know why he'd said all of it. He just knew that although he shouldn't have, it was already too late to take anything back. Sometimes you had to be open with people to get them to be open with you too. And letting yourself be vulnerable like that was never an easy thing to do.
"I'm sure he will someday." Tobias replied, not quite sure what to say that would comfort him.
"By the time I truly become a man, I'll be like Commodus, too used to acting like a child. And when I start to look too much like a man, Hadrian will no longer want me." Antinous sighed. He knew it was the truth. He knew it was what would happen, he was simply waiting for it to occur. It wasn't fair. What was happening to him wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that people like Hadrian could simply come in and take over his life as though it belonged to them. And by now he'd already belonged to Hadrian for so long that he wasn't quite sure what else he would possibly do with himself. It seemed like there was nothing to do, except wait for Hadrian to give him up.
"You could run away." Tobias suggested. It had always been a fantasy of his as well. That one day he'd be able to leave the life he was leading behind.
Antinous shook his head. "I couldn't. I wouldn't know where to go or what to do and I would have no friends by my side."
"I could run away with you." He suggested boldly. Perhaps just a little bit too boldly, because Antinous seemed to be genuinely considering the idea over and over again. He shook his head.
"It would never work." He said.
"And why not?"
"You hardly know me, why are you offering to run away with me?
Tobias huffed. "You hardly knew me, yet you were trying to help me?"
"That's different."
"Oh, is it really?"
Antinous crossed his arms. "Perhaps.