Tobias knocked on the door a few hours after Hadrian had left to go take care of his business. He'd been sent to prepare Antinous for the feast, as well to give him a quick lesson on the culture of the cult that they were about to dine with. Tobias was wrecked with nervousness, standing outside the door, and waiting for the emperor's lover to let him inside. He didn't know why, but as his heart began to pound harder and harder in his chest, Antinous was all that he could think about. All he could obsess over. Antinous was the thought, constantly in the back of his head and refusing to leave his brain.
"Come in." Antinous replied, turning around to see Tobias standing in the doorway with an elegant toga in his arms, and a basket filled with various flower wreaths. Antinous looked over at him, not knowing whether or not he hated himself for the attraction he felt towards Tobias. It wasn't fair. He wanted to have had a normal childhood. He wanted a normal life. He wanted to be away from this large world and back in his own small town, destined for a boring life, without luxury. He knew that back there he could have found a way to be happy. In ways that he couldn't possibly be happy now.
Tobias stood awkwardly, not quite knowing exactly what to do or say. He wanted to run into Antinous's arms and bury his face in his chest. He wanted to leave this place and never come back again. Tobias knew that he couldn't do any of those things. He knew that his dreams would stay as they were, only dreams, never anything more or less than that. Still, he couldn't bear that thought of his life staying as it was forever.
"I-" Tobias stumbled and stuttered, tripping over his words as he tried and struggled to form any coherent thought or sentence. "I've, um, been thinking about what you said yesterday." It was silent for a few moments, which happened to be just a while too long for Tobias. "I mean, when you asked me if I felt the same way about you that you did about me." He continued, his voice cracking mid sentence. He was starting to feel like a love struck teen again and hating every moment of it. He cursed his voice for cracking in awkward places, wishing that for once he would have just chosen to keep his mouth clamped shut instead of babbling on awkwardly.
Antinous stared deep into his eyes, trying to read through the expression on his face. "You have?" He asked, curious about what he would say next, and worried about what might happen if Hadrian were to find out about it. He was starting to get feelings for Tobias, he was starting to find himself more and more attracted to him, and he didn't know how much longer he could have gone trying to keep it chained inside him. He didn't know how much longer he could go pretending that he felt something for Hadrian. He didn't know how many more times he could feel the emperor's rough lips against his and go without pushing him away and writhing out of his grasp.
"I have." Tobias said. He didn't know whether or not he could admit everything out loud. But what he did know was that he could feel the words trapped just below his throat, longing to get out. Longing to be said aloud. He wanted to scream the words at the top of his lungs, but couldn't out of fear that someone else would hear him.
"And?" Antinous asked, anxiously waiting for Tobias to continue, to finally tell him what he was waiting to hear.
"I feel the same way about you that you feel about me." he muttered quietly, just beneath his breath, so quietly that at first Antinous had thought he didn't hear it at all. He thought that he'd simply dreamt up the words, pretending to insert what he wanted to hear. He paused, realizing that he didn't imagine it happening at all, realizing what was happening right in front of him.
"Can I kiss you?" Tobias asked nervously, scared to do what he'd previously been too fearful to even think about. He couldn't help but look over at Antinous's lips, thinking about whether or not he would feel that old aching feeling in his chest why they did kiss. He couldn't help but wonder whether or not he would feel love for Antinous.
Antinous cupped Tobias's cheek in his hand, moving closer in for a kiss. It wasn't the perfect kiss. In fact, it was messy and awkward, and it seemed like neither of them knew exactly what to do with their lips, but none of that mattered to Antinous. What mattered was that he was kissing who he wanted to kiss. What mattered was that he was letting his heart love who it wanted to love. What mattered was that for the first time in a long time, he didn't feel chained to Hadrian. He didn't feel like the Emperor's property. He felt free. He felt like his own person, instead of simply Hadrian's object. This was a feeling he'd been longing for for far too long, and now that he finally had it again, he didn't want to let the feeling escape him.
Their lips crashed and clashed against each other like two waves colliding. There was a magic that sprang and leaped from his chest, longing to be let out. Suddenly, it felt as though he couldn't get close enough to Tobias, yet somehow the two managed to inch closer, neither wanting to break off the kiss they shared.
Eventually they separated. Tobias's face had gone tomato red, his hair now sticking up in odd places. He felt even more flustered than he did when he was trying to speak, now he couldn't get the words out of his mouth at all. Antinous stood back, admiring the way he looked when he was flustered and wondering what was going to happen next. He sighed, realizing what he'd just done. Antinous didn't want to have to hide how much he liked Tobias. He didn't want to have to pretend.
"I-I, um, we should p-probably start getting ready for the feast tonight." Tobias said, stumbling on his words, and feeling the weight of the toga still in his hands. Some days he couldn't believe how heavy the fabric was, nor could he believe how some people managed to last through an entire hot summer's day in a toga.
"Yeah, you're right." Antinous said, a more serious expression forming on his face as he thought about what might happen if they'd been caught, or if someone had already seen them and the message was on its way to Hadrian already. The thoughts of a thousand tragedies formed in his mind, swirling around like a storm, and raging onwards, only further darkening his thoughts as time passed and Tobias started helping him adjust the toga. Where Antinous was once bustling with words, ideas, and friendly chatter, he was now closed off and tight lipped. Tobias couldn't wrap his mind around why the sudden change was.
He didn't like having to see that something was clearly wrong with Antinous, yet not knowing how to break through to him. He hated the feeling of not being able to help someone that he cared about so much. An empty feeling filled his chest, leaving him aching with worry for his lover. The silence between them was deafening. Despite the kisses, and the confession of love, he still felt estranged from the man sitting beside him, as though he had no clue who the person was, and no clue as to what their motives might be. He analyzed the expression on Antinous's face, trying not to read too deeply into things, though anyone, even at first glance could tell that something was troubling him.