Antinous walked alongside Commodus, feeling more nervous by the second as the uneasy feeling in his stomach began to rise. He didn't know how much longer he could keep from throwing up all the food he'd eaten, and even as he walked he felt his knees begin to shake. He remembered his fight with Hadrian just a few moments before he'd gone to find Commodus.
He thought about what might happen. About everything that could happen. He stared at Commodus walking boldly towards the door, his head held up high as though nothing had happened to wane his confidence. As though nothing could ever wane his confidence. It was something that was typical of Commodus. There was always something egotistical about him, except for, of course, the moments that he allowed himself to be vulnerable. Those were the moments when Antinous could stand him.
Antinous stopped walking, tempted to turn back around and go find somewhere to hide. All he ever wanted to do was hide from his problems, but somehow he was constantly forced to face them. He remembered every detail about his moment with Hadrian. He remembered the angry expression on his face. The way his fists were clenched as though he was preparing for a fight. Antinous shut his eyes tight, wishing that everything about what had happened could simply disappear. Wishing that he could go back in time and change things.
Commodus turned around to face Antinous. "Are you alright?" He asked quietly and calmly, a look of concern spreading across his face. He felt guilty for not having checked up on Antinous. After everything the boy had done to help him, he felt as though he should have done something. Or at least paid more attention as to whether Antinous was hurting or not.
Antinous shook his head. "I-I d-d-don't know." He said, stumbling across his words. His knees were still shaking. He didn't know what would happen to him. He didn't know whether or not Hadrian was still angry. It scared him to think about it.
"Is something wrong?" Commodus asked, wondering what was making him look so afraid. He wondered whether it was his fault, or whether it was because of something he'd said. It probably wasn't, but then again, there did always seem to be some sort of a 'what if' when it came to these situations. What if everything was his fault in the end? What if he ended up hurting everyone he cared about? What if this was the end? What if he messed everything up again like he always did? His mind came up with a thousand what if scenarios and nothing to comfort his own inner doubt. Regardless, he pushed it all off to the side. It was time to help Antinous now, not worry about his own problems.
Antinous shook his head again. "I-" he stopped mid sentence, and thought better about telling Commodus about what had happened between him and Hadrian. He thought better about the rage he'd seen in the Emperor's eyes just a few moments before. "-I don't know." Antinous mumbled just beneath his breath.
Commodus looked down at him, wondering what could cause something like this. It was obvious that he was upset about something, yet he kept saying that he didn't know. That he didn't know whether something was wrong or not. That he didn't know whether he was okay or not. It bothered Commodus to see that he was visibly upset, yet said nothing about what was bothering him. The truth was that Commodus was the same way. He tended to bottle things up too. But he was starting to realize just how dangerous that could be. He was starting to realize that it was better to let things out. It was better to let yourself feel.
"Is- Does it have to do with you and Hadrian?" It was a wild guess for Commodus. But he remembered the old fights. He remembered the old feelings. He remembered the way things were when he was Hadrian's favourite. And he had a sneaking suspicion that it was the same for Antinous. As much as he wished that the boy didn't have to go through the same things he did.
Antinous hesitated. The words were caught in his throat. It felt as though he was carrying giant weights on his chest and he didn't know how to speak. He wanted to scream out. He wanted to yell out about everything that was happening. He wanted to push all his emotions out onto Commodus, but he couldn't utter a single word. Antinous was fighting a battle with his brain, and he was the one losing. He could already start to feel the tears begin to well up behind his eyes, threatening to spill over. He didn't know what to do, or how to speak, and he knew that any words he tried to say would come out stuttering and messy. As though he was afraid. And the truth is that he is afraid.
Antinous nodded a small yes. There was nothing else to say.