"It was all so long ago." He shook his head. "I wish I didn't remember it all so clearly. I probably shouldn't remember it all so clearly but I do." Commodus didn't know how to say it. He didn't know how to tell Hadrian's current lover how much of a bad person the Emperor was. But the truth tended to tell itself, and he had a feeling that Antinous was already starting to see the person that Hadrian was just beneath the surface.
"Sometimes, it's as though I can't deal with my emotions. I can't cope with them the way that everyone else does, and I'm not quite sure why that is, but I am sure that it happens. It never used to happen before I met Hadrian. I was a normal kid. But he never let me grow up to be a normal adult." Commodus took in a shaky breath again, trying his best to keep his voice as steady as possible, but knowing that it was already getting a bit crackly in places he didn't want it to.
He couldn't help but feel emotional. These were feelings he'd held back for too long. These were feelings he thought he'd always have to keep held back. He never thought he could talk about it out loud. Especially not to someone so loved by Hadrian himself.
He knew this wasn't how he was supposed to feel. He knew that this wasn't how others seemed to deal with things. But after everything he'd been through Commodus didn't know how to deal with things anymore. He didn't know how to solve his own problems, let alone figure out what was going on inside that complicated heart of his. Commodus took in another deep breath and continued talking.
"He always wanted me to stay young. And I loved him. I wanted to try to stay young for him. I was afraid he'd leave me if I wasn't the way he wanted me to be. If I wasn't the person he wanted me to be. And I was right. He did. But not before I was already far beyond grown up. Not before I already should have been grown up ages ago, and now I don't know how to deal with any of this. I don't know how to take control of my own emotions and I always act like a child and I'm sorry. I just-" Commodus paused, not quite knowing what else to say. He sighed. "-I just don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling."
Antinous rubbed small circles on Commodus's back. "I kind of feel that way sometimes. As though Hadrian always wants me to be his little boy, except I can't help but to grow into a man." He said quietly, staring up at the stars as he did, and wishing that the words he was saying weren't true. Wishing that what was happening to Commodus might not happen to him too sometime soon. It wasn't a thought he wanted to think about. It wasn't something he knew how to deal with. Even as he was watching it happen to someone else he didn't want to believe that it was real. He wanted to believe that the Emperor would still love him as he grew older just as much as he did when Antinous was younger.
Only he couldn't keep lying to himself. He couldn't keep telling himself that. Or the same might happen to him as what was happening to Commodus. Commodus looked up at him. There was a weary look in his eyes, which were red from all the crying. He looked emotionally exhausted. But there was something else there too.
"Do me a favour, would you?" Commodus asked, breaking the silence between them.
Antinous turned to face him, a look of confusion and wonder on his face as he imagined what the favour might possibly be. "Of course. What is it?" He asked after a few moments.
"Don't let the same things that happened to me happen to you. Please, let yourself grow up. Let yourself love other people. Don't let his love consume you. Don't let his manic obsession take over your life." He sighed, a long and weary sigh. "I let it happen to me. And now it's too late. I just- I just don't want any of this to have to happen to someone else."
Antinous nodded. "I... I think I could do that."
He wasn't quite sure what else to say. He wasn't quite sure what else he could promise to make Commodus feel better. Commodus wasn't sure what else he could do to make sure that other people didn't make the same mistakes he did.