"Antinous?" A curious voice asked from further down the hall. "What are you doing out by the slave's quarters?"
He looked up. It was Tobias. His eyebrows were knit together in a look of confusion. Antinous cleared his throat awkwardly, trying to come up with an explanation and instead finding that the truth was leaving his mouth the moment he opened his lips to speak. "I'm looking for Commodus." He said.
"Has something happened?" Tobias asked. "I can help you check the slaves quarters, but I'm almost certain he's not there. Was he not at the feast?"
Antinous bit his lip. He knew he shouldn't have said anything. Instead, he should have lied. He could have said that Hadrian had requested another platter of grapes or more pork. He should have said that they needed more help to load cargo onto the ship. He knew he couldn't say anything about the fight he'd had with Hadrian. It would only bring the Emperor more shame. It would only make things more estranged between them. And that was the last thing Antinous wanted.
"I-" He stuttered, wondering what he should say now that he'd already started letting the truth spill from his mouth. "Um, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that he's gone missing and it is incredibly important that I find him." He spoke just a bit too quickly. But regardless of how worried he was Tobias was still a slave, and he would still have to answer any orders Antinous gave him.
"But-" Tobias started.
"-Just do it." Antinous said harshly. He hadn't meant to come off so cold, but with the mood he was that was what had happened. He hated the way his voice sounded when he was angry. He hated the way it sounded when he thought no one was listening, and so he might have to speak up louder, only no one listened to what he had to say still.
Tobias nodded, his adam's apple bobbing in his throat as he rushed off down the hall to look for where Commodus had gone to. The tone he used sounded just like Tobias's old master. It sounded like bad memories. It sounded like the way things used to be. It sounded like hurt, and pain, and obedience when he was jus trying his best to do things the way his masters told him. Memories washed to the surface when he thought of the way that voice sounded, and as his footsteps echoed along the empty hallways a memory rose to the surface as he walked. Soon, he was lost in it.
"Why can't you just do things right for once?" Augustus shouted at him, his voice booming throughout the room, only they were too many levels down, and too far away for anyone else to hear him. Tobias was kneeling at his feet, trembling as he tried to pick up the platter of grapes he'd dropped across the floor when one of Augustus's children had tripped him.
Tobias was a stuttering mess. He knew what was coming as he tried to pick up each grape off the dirty floor with trembling hands. "I'm s-s-sorry." He said, nearly in tears. He hated being yelled at. He hated being talked to like this. He wished he wasn't so useless. Then maybe he could do things right for once.
"Why can't you just do as you're told?" His master screamed at him again, his voice seemed to bounce off walls, the sound echoing in Tobias's ears. They weren't the words he wanted to hear. He already knew he was a failure. He already knew he wasn't good for anything. It had been said to him only a thousand times before, yet why did it still sting when it happened? Why did the words still hurt almost more than the beating did, and almost always they both happened at the same time.
"I didn't mean to." Tobias said again, his voice shaking. He broke into a sweat, his hair matted against his head from the perspiration. He was so nervous. He was so scared. And he knew what was going to happen next.
It always happened next.
"Don't talk back to me, and don't make excuses. You should be able to perform basic tasks like this!" His master yelled again and again, and Tobias couldn't shut the yelling out. He couldn't shut any of the words out, he couldn't ignore them. Augustus stared down at him with a judgmental glare. It was the type of glare you would give someone who you hated with every inch of your being. "You're a failure! Do you hear me? Do you see what you've done again? You're a pathetic excuse for a slave." He scoffed. "You can't do anything."
Tobias was still trembling. Augustus picked him up by the shoulder, and led him over to the corner wall. There was a whip hanging from a nail in the wall.
He hated this part. He wanted out of the memory. He wanted out of the memory! He wanted to push the memory of out his head, HE WANTED OUT HE WANTED OUT HE WANTED OUT HE WANTED OUT HE WANTED OUT HE-
-"Tobias?" Antinous asked, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry for snapping at you, it's just that I hadn't meant to tell you about Commodus. And that I shouldn't be looking for him in the first place, but I am."
Tobias shook his head, now snapped out of his thoughts, glad to get the memory out of his head. "No, it was my fault for being nosy." He said. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked you." He took in a shaky breath, staring at the ground instead of looking up at Antinous's eyes. He never thought that things would get better, yet they were. But still, Tobias knew he had to be careful. He knew he had to obey. He knew he couldn't let himself overstep his bounds.
"It's not your fault." Antinous insisted.
He shook his head. "Yes it is."
"You need to stop blaming yourself." He said. Antinous's brow was creased with worry. In the short time he'd known Tobias, he hadn't seen him like this before. He hadn't seen anyone like this before. Antinous was good at reading people. He knew there was some pain locked up there, but he didn't know how to coax it out. He didn't know what was bothering him, and that was the problem. The problem was that he wished he could help Tobias, but he couldn't seem to figure out what was wrong.
Tobias was still trembling. The guilt and shame washed over him. He knew he could do better. He knew he should be doing better. So why couldn't he do just one thing right? His mind taunted him, telling him about how nothing he ever did was right. About how he couldn't stop messing up no matter how hard he tried. About how he would always be useless, and now Antinous would give him away to an even worse master than he'd had to deal with last time. "I-I can't." Tobias shook, looking down at the ground. "It's all m-my fault." His voice broke. Anyone who looked over at him could see that there was something wrong, yet Antinous could not solve the puzzle that was why.
"I'm telling you, it wasn't your fault. I was the one who came down here in the first place." Antinous insisted. He reached out to put a hand on Tobias's shoulder. Tobias flinched at the feeling, but didn't say anything. Instead, he was still too lost in his own thoughts to speak. "Do you believe that it wasn't your fault? I'm not going to punish you or anything. I just need to find Commodus." Antinous said gently, trying to keep from scaring him. He wished Tobias would stop blaming himself for every little mistake he made. Antinous wished he'd notice the way everyone made mistakes. The way that not everything was his fault. That not all the blame could be placed upon the same shoulders.
Tobias nodded, but didn't seem any more sure of himself. "Let's just go find Commodus." He insists, before shuffling forwards down the hallway past Antinous.