Lucius Commodus glared at Antinous from across the table, wondering how the Emperor could have chosen the young boy over him. Wondering how the Emperor's love could have been swayed so easily as a single glance at the young farm boy.
He glared at the curls resting on top of his head, wishing he could rip them out, or tear at his eyes. Wishing that the Emperor loved him more than he did the catamite sitting beside him. He scoffed, watching as they put grapes into each other's mouths.
"I can't believe those two." Lucius whined to the general sitting beside him. "How could the Emperor settle for a lover like him? Just look at the way he's stuffing his mouth with food!" The general rolled his eyes at the complaint. There was absolutely nothing stupider you could do than mess with the Emperor, or anyone close to him.
The general shrugged. "Once the catamite starts to grow old, the Emperor will abandon him the same way he did you."
Lucius burst into rage, his face slowly turning more and more red as the moments passed by. Steam was almost coming out of his ears, and his hands were clenched into fists. He slammed his hand down on the table, causing a few of the platters to clatter. The room went dead silent as everyone turned their heads to look over at the cause of the commotion. "What?" The general said. "You know it's true."
Lucius ran from the room, hot tears streaming down his face. He didn't know how to control the emotions swirling through him. He didn't know how to ignore everything that was happening all at the same time.
At one moment it seemed like he'd been on top of the world, but now everything was crashing down around him, and the walls that once seemed to hold him together were now weighing him down. He wandered down the halls, and out of the building, heading over back onto the ship that was now resting along the shore, hoping that maybe the sight of the waves, or the night sky would calm him. Instead it only reminded him of everything that he once had.
There was a half moon in the sky. And there was a glassy look in the way the stars shone, as though today they just didn't have the energy to shine as bright as they usually did. It gave him comfort somehow.
The night sky made him calmer somehow, as though at the moment it was feeling just as sad as he was.
He took a deep breath, trying to let out his stress and failing to do so, but what could he do? Emotions were complicated things after all. And after what he'd been through with Hadrian, trying to stay the boy he wanted forever instead of letting himself grow up to be a man, Lucius figured he'd never be able to deal with his emotions constructively.
It was a problem he longed to overcome, yet secretly knew he never would.