His stomach grumbled loudly, and Antinous reached over for the fruit sitting in the centre of the table, grabbing a ripe fig from the platter.
He couldn't help but think of how Tobias's diner must be, down in the slave's quarters. It was likely nothing more than some soup and a few pieces of old bread. He felt bad for Tobias, wondering whether or not he might enjoy a few pieces of fruit.
He didn't want to admit that he was fond of him. Being fond of Tobias meant not being fond of Hadrian, or at least, not being fond enough of Hadrian. He didn't know how Hadrian would react if he were to find out. And truth be told he was scared. Not just of Hadrian. Of Tobias as well. Of what Tobias might do. Of what he might tell, and how his poor heart would break if anything were to happen to it.
He knew he couldn't deal with another heartbreak. Especially not after what happened last time. Especially not after everything that he'd already had to endure. He shuddered as memories came racing back like a wildfire, spreading and consuming everything. The memories seemed to take over him. They seemed to occupy his every move, and although he was trying his best to hide the sadness, it was slowly becoming too much to fully tuck away.
Hadrian put a gentle hand on his shoulder, pulling him out of his thoughts. "Are you okay?" He asked, a look of concern spreading across his features. He analysed every movement, every expression for some sign, but something was telling him otherwise. He saw panic in Antinous, and he began to panic too.
Antinous gave him a weary smile. The type of smile that looked old and worn out, as though it'd been worn one too many times and was now riddled with holes, showing the places where everything he was trying to hide began to show through. "I'm fine." Antinous insisted. "You shouldn't worry about me."
He was still worried. "Are you sure?" He asked again, hoping to coax him into giving him a more honest answer. He would likely never stop worrying about Antinous. It'd been a rough few days and after he'd seen Antinous crying out on the deck the other day, he wasn't too sure what to think of his reply.
He wasn't sure whether or not he believed Antinous, not when he'd seen so many soldiers come back from battle with mental scarring and shove it away as though wars never happened, and all because they believed that pretending it didn't happen, that by pretending they didn't have emotions and holding everything in, somehow they wouldn't end up spilling out. Hadrian had seen the long faces of too many soldiers, he'd seen the hurt, and the memories they'd come back bearing upon their shoulders. He knew that if Antinous held it in, it would lead to nothing but even more pain for him.
And that was the last thing Hadrian wanted to happen to the young man sitting beside him.
Antinous gave a subtle nod. "I'm sure." He put a gentle hand on Hadrian's shoulder. "You should worry about yourself more." He said, "You waste too much time focusing on others to realize that you need a break from it all."
Hadrian let out a deep sigh. It was at times like these that he remembered the fact that Antinous knew him better than he knew what was wrong. So well, in fact, that he could tell what was wrong before even Hadrian himself knew. Antinous simply seemed to know how to read people like that. He could anticipate the storm before it came. "I guess you're right." Hadrian replied.
"I am?" Antinous asked, not expecting the Emperor to admit that it so quickly.
Hadrian often talked about his emotions, although not directly. Antinous had to guess how he was feeling based on the prose he seemed to be speaking in, or the poem he was quoting. Perhaps that was because Hadrian adored arts and culture more than anything. And if resorting back to it was what made him feel better, than so be it. But Antinous had a feeling that this time was different, and that Hadrian was slowly starting to come out of his shell just a bit more.
He smiled at the shocked look on Antinous's face. "You're always right, although sometimes I simply don't admit it." He looked down at the platter in front of him, and plucked off another grape from the vine. They were ripe, having just been cut that morning.
Antinous furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. He tried his best to think critically, to think of the reason why Hadrian was suddenly behaving the way he was, but his mind couldn't conjure up one. At least not any rational reason. "Well, if I'm right about this one, then why are we not yet relaxing on your villa?" He pointed out.
"Because." Hadrian straightened in his seat. "There are a few things to be sorted out before we can go, and hasn't quite been fully constructed yet." Suddenly, it was starting to make sense to Antinous. For whatever reason, he hadn't quite been able to put two and two together. Hadrian never talked about anything, seeming to always be able to bear the weight on his shoulders, but this time Antinous supposed that he was trying to be more open. Maybe this time the weight of all the stress was starting to be just a bit too much for him.
"So you've really built everything that you drew out in the blueprints you showed me?" Antinous asked, curious to hear more about the new villa.
Hadrian nodded proudly. "Most of it. Of course it needed refinement in some places, but yes, most of what you saw has been built." Then he added, "Including the pools, I know how much you like to swim." Hadrian smiled broadly when he saw his lover's eyes light up with joy. There was beauty in those eyes, and Hadrian tended to admire all things that were beautiful.
"By when would we arrive?" Antinous asked, eager to take a dip in the pool already. He pictured the statues surrounding it with their soft marble eyes, and the various bushes and trees Hadrian had drawn in the blueprints. Swimming usually reminded Antinous of when he was younger and more carefree. When he would walk out to the sea during the evening after he finished helping his mother on their farm. He remembered the cool breeze and the feeling of the sand between his toes as though it was yesterday.
"Soon." Hadrian replied simply, leaning over to give Antinous a small peck on the cheek. He looked down at the young boy with eyes filled with joy when he saw how the way Antinous's lips curved up to form a smile. It was one of the most beautiful things he'd ever seen. Exquisite, he thought as he continued to admire his lover, a smile beginning to form on his own lips.
Antinous reached over the table, stuffing his mouth with an assortment of meats and fruits. There was a beautiful feast set before them, but no one seemed to be eating any of it, and instead were more keen on discussing current Roman politics. There was a platter of pork in front of him. He ate a few slices, enjoying the wide variety of food, and thinking back to his life in Bithynia, and the way they had to eat slop that looked like something more fit to feed pigs than actual humans.
He was grateful to have escaped the life he once lived.
Grateful to be running from the memories that were constantly trying to catch up to him.