Tobias helped him dress for the evening. He was wearing a new toga, as well as some golden jewelry Hadrian had bought him. Tobias helped him place a flower crown of exquisite lilies in his hair, as well as a few sprays of fine perfume.
"You look lovely." Tobias complimented, a small smile on his face as he admired Antinous's beauty.
Antinous blushed and looked down. "Thank you." He said quietly. Tobias leaned in closer, adjusting the toga over his shoulder and trying to make sure that everything stayed pinned in place. Antinous sat patiently as Tobias silently continued to carry out his duties.
Antinous stared at himself in his mirror for a few moments, admiring the way the flowers looked in his curls. He wondered what Hadrian would think of him when he started to get too old. When his skin began to wrinkle and his hair began to turn gray. He wanted to believe that he could stay young forever. That Hadrian would always feel just as attracted to him then as he did when he first met him, but Antinous knew that was not the case, and it probably never would be. He set the mirror down on the table beside him. Antinous sighed. He dreaded the day he would grow old. He felt it looming over his shoulder with each day that passed. Because growing old would likely mean losing everything he had. Right now, he depended on Hadrian. Right now, he needed to be by Hadrian's side. Right now, Hadrian was giving him everything. But everything didn't mean full access to the eternal fountain of youth.
"Do you think I'm growing old?" Antinous asked solemnly. There was a hard look on his face, as though it was a matter of life and death.
"What do you mean?" Tobias paused, his hands dropping from the folds of Antinous's toga down to his sides. His eyebrows were drawn together in confusion.
"Do I look like I'm starting to turn into a man?" He questioned. "You can tell me the honest answer, it won't offend me. I just want to know the truth."
Tobias looked at him, and wondered how someone could ever believe that the person standing in front of him was ugly. He wondered what lead Antinous to believe that he wouldn't be loved if he let himself grow old. It was a tragedy to know that you were loved, although just for you looks. "You're going to turn into a man. You're going to grow old. And even if Hadrian does leave you when you start to look too much like a man for him, isn't it better that way?"
Antnous leaned in closer, wanting to soak in every word that left him mouth. A look of confusion was plastered across his face. "What do you mean? How can it be better if he leaves me?"
He sighed. Not knowing how to tell Antinous the truth, he wished he would have simply shut his mouth already. Tobias wanted to believe that his new masters would be better than the last, but with the way he was running his mouth, he'd end up whipped and bloody before the first week was over. Tobias looked straight in his eyes. It was better to tell the truth than to hide it away now. He'd already said too much. "Is it not better to leave and be alone than it is to stay with a lover who won't let you become a man? Who wants you to be his little boy forever?"
Antinous tried to take in the words. He already knew the type of person that Hadrian was. He'd recognized the sort of obsessive love and admiration that he'd been granted from the very beginning, but he didn't think it would get this far. He didn't think about the way Hadrian's love could completely consume someone. It wrapped around you like a snake and bit down upon your throat, until suddenly you were choked by the person he saw you as. You were choked by his admiration. By his compliments. By the endless sonnets he wrote. Hadrian's heart was a python, wrapping around Antinous a bit too tightly.
"You're right." He said, letting out a shaky breath. "I don't know whether I want to become a man or not, but I know it's coming. And I know I'm being tricked into trying to stay a child." He scoffed. "I can't believe myself. How did I not realize the same thing happened to Lucius? How did I not notice the way that Hadrian leaves people immature and childish, how did I not notice the way they never grow up?"
Tobias nodded. "I'm not sure many people do notice."
Antinous sighed, and looked at himself again in the mirror, trying to imagine stubble growing on his chin, and his face growing more and more aged as the years went buy. It was nearly painful to picture. It was hard to think of the way the world might change too fast and too soon. "No," Antinous muttered quietly. "I don't think they do."
The room went quiet for a few moments before Tobias coughed and started adjusting Antinous's toga again, trying to perfect everything so that he was ready for the evening. Tobias tried not to think too much about anything except the task at hand. He found that if he let his thoughts wander too far, they'd go to places he wished they wouldn't. He didn't know how much longer he could keep adjusting the toga. It was almost near perfection, although he knew that once Antinous moved, the heavy fabric would shift and drape over in strange ways.
"I think it's time I start making my way to the feast."