Antinous continued to toss and turned in his sleep, restless and still trapped inside a nightmare. He woke up in a cold sweat, startled. It took him a moment to look around the room and realize that it was nothing more than a dream. He took a few deep breaths, trying to keep himself from crying again. He'd cried a few too many times these past few days, and he was determined not to cry again. He was trying his best not to be weak, not to show that weakness in the form of tears, yet his eyes still began to water He was supposed to be a man, but it seemed like he would always be Hadrian's "little boy". A few dry heaves escaped his lips. He was struggling to get air into his lungs. Struggling to stop the panic rising in his chest. It wasn't working. Nothing was working. Nothing was calming him down. Hideous memories danced in front of his eyes.
Tobias pressed his ear to the doorway, listening closely. He heard was sounded almost like sobs, or at least what he thought was sobbing. "Are you alright?" He called from the doorway. While being a slave certainly wasn't where he expected his life to go, he wanted to do the job well. If he was stuck being a slave, he might as well be a good one. And that meant taking care of his master.
Antinous didn't have the strength to call back that he was fine. He knew his voice would crack mid sentence if he tried to say a word. A few stray tears betrayed him, as a loud sob heaved through his body. Everything was getting worse. His thoughts were only getting darker. His crying was getting to the point where he didn't know how much longer he could keep containing it. He didn't know how much longer he could keep pretending he wasn't broken.
The young slave peaked into the room, his eyes widened for a moment at the sight before he took a few steps in. "Are you okay?" He asked quietly, but anyone could tell that Antinous wasn't. The lovely curves of his cheeks were tainted with tears. His magnificent eyes, red and weary.
"I'm f-fine." Antinous said quietly. His voice cracked mid sentence. It sounded hoarse from shedding a few too many tears, and now he regretted even letting the words slip from his mouth instead of just keeping it clamped shut. His chest heaved with sobs. He tugged at his hair, leaning back against his pillow and wishing the pain would stop. It didn't. It never did.
Tobias stood there for a few moments. Not quite knowing what to do or what to say. "You're not fine." He pointed out. Anyone who took one look at him could see it. Anyone who took a mere glance at him could tell how broken he was. Tobias sat down on the bed beside him. He knew he shouldn't have. He was supposed to be nothing more than a slave, but he felt a sense of empathy.
"I'm fine." Antinous insisted again. He struggled to get his air in, and even though he wasn't trying to do much more than breath, everything felt too hard. It felt as though the world was collapsing around him. The walls he'd built up over the years were falling down around him. Toppling over and crashing down, Antinous was crumbling, falling, and more importantly, breaking apart. A sob wrecked it's way through him. He shook, but he wasn't cold, he was just afraid. Teardrops leaked from his eyes like waterfalls, dropping down his cheeks. He let out a few hiccups as he tried to speak out something else, but couldn't manage to form word beyond mumbled through the tears.
Tobias gently rubbed his back. "Just let it out." He coaxed. "It's alright to cry sometimes. Just let the tears out." He whispered to Antinous in a voice so quite he was hardly sure he'd said it out loud at all. But he continued rubbing small circles across Antinous's back, and Antinous kept letting the tears out. Eventually his sobbing soothed down to a few soft sniffles.
"Are you okay?" Tobias asked again.
Antinous shook his head. "I'm better."
"Better doesn't always mean that you're okay, now does it?" Tobias stared into his eyes, wishing he could unlock the secrets he worked so hard to hide behind them.
"I hardly know who you are." Antinous pointed out. A small smile appeared on his lips as he realized that he hadn't even bothered to ask the person standing in front of him his name.
"I'm Tobias." He introduced himself. "Emperor Hadrian purchased me and brought me along to help out where I can. He'd instructed me to go check on you and..." Tobias trailed off. He didn't have to finish his sentence. Antinous knew the rest.
"I'm Antinous." He still spoke quietly. There was a hint of sadness in his voice that he was trying his best to hide. "I'm not quite sure how to explain my status." He was searching for a way to say it that didn't involve the name 'Hadrian'. There wasn't. "I suppose I'm Hadrian's companion." When he was younger, he'd dreamt of joining the army. He remembered back to his education, both studying latin, and training in the courtyard with wooden swords. He'd been a good fighter then, while he wasn't anything special with a sword, he was quite good at moving around quickly and keeping fast on his feet. He nearly laughed at how naïve he'd been, thinking he could be like Alexander the Great someday.
"Would you have me do anything for you?" Tobias asked tentatively.
"Could you help dress me?" His eyes were still red from crying. He yawned. "I'm still partially asleep."
Tobias nodded and grabbed his tunic from where they'd been washed and set out by the window to dry. Antinous stood up, feeling a bit shy and exposed with only his loincloth on. He lifted his arms up to make it easier for Tobias to slip the tunic over his head. Tobias tried his best to hide his blush, pretending he wasn't flustered as his arms wrapped around Antinous's waist to tie the belt.
"Is it tight enough?" He asked, feeling nervous. He remembered now that he was a slave, and that he was supposed to act like one. He knew he shouldn't have come in and tried to comfort Antinous. He knew he should have just shut up and done his job. He remembered back to how many times he'd been beaten for doing something inadequately. His eyes widened with fear as he looked over at Antinous, praying that maybe he'd done good enough.
"Yes." Antinous replied. "Would you grab me some food from the cupboard? Just some grapes, I'm not really that hungry."
Tobias walked in silence to the kitchen. He was nervous, for a few moments, his old fear had vanished, but now it only returned again. The thought of the whip lashing against back made him tremble with fear as he reached into the cupboard for a vine of grapes. His hands shook and he carried them back down the hallway to Antinous's room.
"Sorry if I was late." Tobias apologized, setting down the grapes on his bedside table.
Antinous looked him up and down, noticing the way he was nearly trembling. "Are you alright?" He asked. It wasn't all that cold in the room, but Tobias worn nothing more than a thin and ragged tunic.
"Yes." He replied. It wasn't a master's place to worry about a slave.
"Are you sure?" Antinous asked, a look of concern washing over him. "You're shaking." He pointed out.
"I'm just getting a bit sick is all." He lied through his teeth.
Antinous frowned, and went to press his hand to Tobias's forehead. "At least you aren't feverish. Would you like to go see Hadrian's personal physician?"
He shook his head. "N-No, I'll be alright." He looked down at the ground, feeling a slight amount of shame for having Antinous worry about him so much. He was worthless. He was part of a worthless class now and although he'd accepted that long ago, having someone treat him like a regular human being was throwing him off quite a bit. Antinous was starting to make him feel normal again. And he didn't know whether he hated the feeling or loved it.