The light outside was slowly dimming as the sun began to sink back into the earth. Antinous watched as this happened. Even when the sun was set he still didn't return inside, instead preferring to watch as the waves hit the side of the boat, causing it to toss and turn gently against the sea. He supposed Hadrian was likely worried about him, as the Emperor often was. As he watched the waves continue crashing against the side of their ship, he thought of his old life back in Bithynia. Back in his small hometown, in that crumbling house where his parents lived. It was strange, thinking that he would rather be residing there than sitting in a mighty ship, traveling to the Emperor's villa. It was strange, thinking about everything he'd already left behind, and everything he was planning to leave behind. Overall, it had been a pretty happy childhood, except for a few moments, which he tried to push out of his mind.
As more memories of his childhood came rushing back, as did the same old grief that struck his heart just as hard now as it had seemed to do all those years ago. The memories rushed back in waves, flooding his mind and nearly drowning him in the sadness that was his grief. He slipped onto the floor of the boat, pulling his knees up to his chest. For a few moments he sat there, trying not to let the tears slip out. Trying to keep the sadness bottled in, for at least as long as possible, until the moment when he couldn't anymore, and happened to let out a small sob. His breathing became more and more ragged as he cupped a hand over his mouth to try to muffle his cries. Tears slipped down his face like fountains, and once they started dripping down his cheeks, he found he could no longer contain them.
"Antinous?" Hadrian called, walking out from their room and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. A look of concern spread across his face as he turned the corner to see his beloved curled up in a ball near the ships edge. He walked over to Anitinous, wrapping his arms around the boy's torso. "What's wrong?" He asked, a certain gentleness in his voice.
Antinous shook his head. "It's nothing." He replied. But it wasn't 'nothing'. And Hadrian could tell. He wanted to push further, to ask again, but he didn't want to push Antinous to confide to him anything he wasn't comfortable with sharing. "It's homesickness." Antinous said after a few moments had passed. Hadrian could still tell that even this was not the full truth, but he accepted the lie and didn't push any further. Antinous was still doing his best to keep the sobs contained, only now he was crying on Hadrian's shoulder. Ashamed of himself for showing such weakness, he pulled away from Hadrian.
"I want to be left alone." He demanded, a certain harshness reached his tone that Hadrian hadn't heard before. Only Antinous could speak to the Emperor as he did and not get executed for it. Hadrian took one last sorry look at the boy, before turning on his heel and returning to their bedroom. He was worried about Antinous, although there was nothing he could do about it except let the boy be.
He sat on the deck for a few moments, still trying to contain his tears, although every time he wiped them from his cheeks, more seemed to drip from his eyes and replace the ones he'd wiped away. It wasn't as though one could simply wipe away memories from their mind, or pretend that what happened in the past simply didn't occur. It wasn't as though he could simply pretend nothing ever happened. Or as though he could ignore the feelings in his heart. The truth was plain and simple, as the truth often was.
And the truth was that he wasn't in love with Hadrian. And it was a dangerous truth indeed. Particularly, it was one he could never dare speak out loud, for the risk that Hadrian might hear him say it. It was a secret that sometimes he thought his heart couldn't bare to keep inside, as though locking his emotions inside a cage only led to them breaking free at even more inconvenient moments. Antinous felt he might be at war with himself, fighting hard against what his heart wanted and what he thought was right. Only this time it was a battle he was sure to lose, because he knew his heart would win.
Antinous continued to let his sobs tear free. Crying, and not caring who might hear, or who he might wake. A loud sob tore through his chest as he gave up trying to contain his sadness. He rocked back and forth on the floor, his knees still pulled up to his chest. His emotions were usually held up behind a wall of coping, but now they were on display for everyone to see. A soft whimper fell from his lips as tears continued to flood down his cheeks.His bottom lip quivered as a sob wrecked through him and as more tears came, more thoughts made their way through his head. His breathing became ragged and uneven, but Antinous didn't even try to calm himself down. All he did was let himself cry. All he did was allow himself permission to feel pain. And to endure it. But even that within itself was a powerful thing. The ability to let yourself feel and let your emotions be free is a powerful thing. Especially when it seems that all anyone wants you to do is keep them locked within yourself and never let them out.
So he did the most rebellious thing that one could do.
He let the tears keep dripping down his face, and did not wipe them away.