"Mahal kita pero ititigil ko na." Muli na naman bumuhos ang malakas na ulan nang bitawan nya ang mga salitang iyon.
When she walked pass by me, my body moved on its own to chase after her but Akihiro's figure surprised me. Hindi ko alam kung gaano na sya katagal na naroon pero base sa paghigpit ng hawak nya sa payong na hawak at galit na nakarehistro sa mga mata nya, alam kong hindi nya gusto ang nakikita. Akihiro stopped Marcielle from leaving but he locked his gaze on mine. And from his eyes, all I could recognize is tiredness. Sinasabi ng mga mata nyang nakatingin sa akin bagama't maaaninag ang galit, kita ang kapaguran doon.
"I warned you before. Kung hindi mo sya kayang hawakan ng mahigpit na gaya ng pagkakahawak ko, hindi mo na sana inabot pa ang kamay nya. Ikaw ang laging nagsasabi na hindi sya gaya ng iba pero Vaughn, ikaw din ang nagtrato sa kanya na parang basura. Why? Because you're a coward! You're the most selfish coward bastard I knew." Sambulat nya ng galit na alam kong ilang taon nya din kinimkim.
I want to tell him that I know. I do know that I'm a selfish coward bastard. And I do, hate myself too. I hate myself for taking that hand and let it go when I can't shoulder the consequences of my decisions. I hate myself more than he hates me to the core right now.
"Hiro stop it." Awat ni Marcielle na mas lalo lang nagpatindi sa galit na nararamdaman ni Akihiro. She looked afraid as if there's something he knows that she doesn't want me to know or hear. Mas tumindi ang hinala ko sa naging sagot ni Akihiro.
"No, Cielle. If you want to really end all of this, then let me in. I'm involved in this anyway." He said in an angry tone.
"It's really over. Wala syang kasalanan. I'm the one who's in fault…my existence is."
Kumunot ang noo ko sa pahayag ng dalaga ngunit hindi ko magawang magtanong o ang gumalaw man lang sa kinatatayuan ko dahil sa nakikita kong pangamba sa mga mata ng dalagang panaka-nakang sumusulyap sa akin na tila ba natatakot na marinig ang pag-uusap nilang dalawa.
"Ikaw ang may sabi sakin noon, kailanman ay hindi kasalanan ang magmahal. Nagmahal ka lang naman eh. Nagmahal ka at pinanindigan mo lang yang nararamdaman mo kaya hindi iyon pagkakamali. Alam mo kung san ka nagkamali? Nagmahal ka ng taong hindi ka kayang ipaglaban. Nagmahal ka ng taong hindi kayang hawakan ang kamay mo ng mahigpit. Yun ang pagkakamali mo at pagkakamali ko dahil hanggang ngayon mahal pa din kita gaya ng mahal mo pa din sya." Hindi ko na ikinagulat ang pag-amin nya. I knew that his engagement is only for convenience. He still loves Marcielle as much as I love her. But unlike me, he never did let go of his hand reaching out to her.
"I'm sorry Hiro but…we can't be." Sagot ni Marcielle ng makabawi ito sa kabiglaan. Akihiro didn't say a word and pulled her for a warm embrace, as if it is the last time. Iniwas ko ang tingin sa kanilang dalawa lalo na at hindi sya itinulak man lang palayo ng dalaga.
He gave her the umbrella he's holding. "Your friends are waiting for you. Take a quick shower so you won't get sick. Go ahead and don't look back." He said before turning her around and give her a light push on the back.
Marcielle thanked him and starts walking away from us. Leaving the two men who both loved her unconditionally yet still didn't end up happily. Because she chose to love the man who's a selfish coward than to the man who is not.
Akihiro faced me with a tired look on his face. "Hindi ka pa ba napapagod?"
I smiled bitterly. "I do."
"Ako din pagod na. Pagod na akong magkunwari. Pagod na akong pumagitna sa inyong dalawa. Pagod na akong lokohin ang sarili ko at umasang mananalo pa ko sa laban na sa umpisa pa lang ay alam kong may nanalo na." Pag-amin nya na ikinatahimik ko lang kaya nagpatuloy sya.
"You know what? I think this is the best though. For her. She deserves someone much better than the both of us. I wish her to find a person that she will love next, unconditionally and selflessly just like how she loved you. At sana yung taong yun ay kaya syang pahalagahan na gaya ng pagpapahalaga ko. And I wish that when she met that person, you will feel miserable when you see her happy. You will feel miserable for not taking the risk, for not fighting for her. And you will never ever fall in love again as deep as your love for her." He said to taunt me and to be honest it really works.
His words echoed in my head, making me think that possibility that addends the agony in my heart. At ang imahe ng dalaga na masaya sa piling ng iba ang nagbibigay lakas sa puso kong muling pilitin na makakawala sa pagkakagapos. Akihiro smiled on my agonizing expression. Na tila ba sinasabing ito na ang simula nang pagdurusa ko dahil mas pinili kong isakripisyo ang nararamdaman para sa inaakala kong tama.
Walang imik na tinalikuran nya ako para bumalik sa main hall nang muli syang humarap sa akin na tila ba may nakalimutang sabihin. "I forgot to give you something that I know you badly need." Seryoso nyang sabi ngunit bago pa man ako makapagtanong ay naramdaman ko na lang ang kamao nya sa pisngi ko na hinidi ko na nagawang iwasan at agad kong ikinatumba.
"Sorry it took me a long time to fulfill my promise." He said with a smile on his face.
I feel more miserable because of the heavy rain still pouring nonstop. I stand up and wipe the rain water in my face and saw a little bit of blood from the cut on my lips. "Thanks for fulfilling it. It really made me sober." I said.
Akihiro sighed. "It's tiring keeping promises from two dummies."
Kumunot ang noo ko sa sinabi nya. "What do you mean?"
He smiled. "Should I tell you? Or should I not?"
I keep my blank expression.
"Do you want to know what I'm tired of?" He asked. I shook my head. He laughed wryly. "Pagod na akong itago ang katotohanan para sa dahilan nyong dalawa. Pagod na akong paasahin ang sarili ko na magkakaroon pa ako ng pagasang matutugunan ang nararamdaman ko." He looked at me sadly.
"The only way to get the rest I needed is to tell you the truth." My brows knotted.
"What truth?"
He smiled sadly. "Marcielle knows everything, since when your mother gave birth to your brother. She knew everything already." Nanghihina ang mga tuhod na napaatras ako sa bombang ibinagsak nya sa akin.
So, all the things I did in the past are all went in vain?
"Even from before, all she wanted is for you to be able to tell her the truth. Wala syang planong bitawan ka kahit pa aminin mo sa kanya ang totoo. That's why even now, she gave you a chance to tell her the truth but you still failed her until the last time." My mouth opened but no words came out. I'm totally lost for words.
"She wants to hear the truth from you because she wants to apologize for taking what's yours and for wanting to keep you as hers. Because she believes that you are the only person that really belongs to her and that your love is real." Tumawa sya ng pagak.
"Bakit ngayon mo lang sinabi? If you already knew then you should've told me!" May inis sa tinig kong wika na ikinangiti nya ng mapakla.
"Bakit? May mababago ba sa desisyon mo kung sinabi ko noon pa? Hindi mo pa din naman sya pipiliin eh!" Hindi ko nagawang salungatin ang sinabi nya dahil alam kong may katotohanan iyon. I was a brat that time and I know that I'll still choose to leave her.
I sighed but decided to chase Marcielle when Akihiro stopped me. He looked at me with a serious look on his face, telling me that he won't let me hurt her again. As if reminding me all the things I did in the past and just a moment ago. Reminding me the reason why we all end up like this.
"Stop it Alcantara. It's over, remember? I let you have her once but you still let the chance to prove me that you're worthy for her. You let her go just because of your fucked-up fate. I won't let you do it again."
"It's not you or me who will decide for that. And besides, there's no possibility that she will still take me after I tell her the truth. I just…I just don't want her to feel sorry for me. I never once felt that my life was miserable even though I grew up with a different father. I am truly loved by the man I thought was my father. The reason why I don't want her to know the truth is because I don't want her to hate her family, specially her mom for wanting to take her life even before she was born. I don't want her to feel unwanted by her own mother if she happens to know the truth. Kaya nga mas pinili kong ako na lang ang magparamdam sa kanya nun eh. Pinili kong saktan sya para ang tanging malalaman nya lang na dahilan ng lahat ay dahil anak ako ng bagong asawa ng ama nya." Seryosong wika ko.
Saglitan kaming nagtagisan ng tingin bago sya muling humugot ng malalim na buntong-hininga at seryosong tumingin sa akin. "Do you love her?"
Saglit akong natigilan sa naging tanong nya ngunit nakuha pa din tumango. "Hindi naman nagbago ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. She's always in my heart. I didn't let her go because I wanted to, because it's the right thing to do."
"If she still chose to be with you, will you still let her go?' Muli nyang tanong.
I looked at Akihiro with a sincere look in my face. "Not this time. Even before you planned to tell me the truth, I already decided to take her back. I realize one thing when you hugged her, I can't give her up to anyone else, even you. I guess that's my selfish side talking." Bumitaw sya sa pagkakahawak sa akin na tila iyon lang ang nais nyang marinig.
He chuckled. "You're both stupid and hopeless."
I smiled. "Says the guy who is all wet in the rain like me, on his business suit."
He faced me seriously. "I will kill you if you ever let her go this time." He said before he left me and walked on the other side where Marcielle went. Kasabay nun ay ang biglang paghinto ng ulan na tila ba isang magandang senyales ng isang panibagong kabanata sa amin ng dalaga.
I hurriedly ran to where I know Marcielle Anne would be, while tracing with my steps the memory lane where it all began.