March 2012
I sighed in frustration when I ended up in front of the science building again after walking in circles for the nth time looking for the auditorium of this school. It's not that the school is like a maze although this building is quite big for me to get lost for the fifth time, but it is because I don't have a sense of direction. And what's more frustrating is that I can't ask anyone because I feel so damn shy and I feel like they are all looking at me weirdly. Maybe it's because of the bouquet of forget-me-nots that I'm holding or it is because I really do look weird, or maybe it is only in my head.
Out of frustration, I entered the science building that I keep on coming back to, hoping that I might find someone more approachable. Kung gaano karami ng tao sa labas ay sya namang kaunti ng tao sa loob ng gusali dahil marahil sa graduation ceremony lang ngayon at nagpapa-clearance na lamang ang lahat ng estudyanteng narito pa din sa eskwelahan. Nanlulumong nagdesisyon na lang akong bumalik sa parking lot kung saan ako iniwan ni Dad para maghintay. Although he wanted me to come with him, but I heard their conversation last night and she clearly said that she doesn't want to see me. At ayoko naman na mas lalo pang gumulo ang magulo na nilang relasyon na mag-ama kahit na alam kong mas may karapatan akong magalit kaysa sa kanya. That's why I chose to be left behind, it's just that dad left the flower that I want her to have. I picked it from mom's garden and tied it with a twine string to make it looked like a bouquet.
"I love you too. I do. Hindi ko lang magawang sabihin dahil natatakot akong mas masaktan kita kapag hinawakan ko ang kamay mo. But I realize that I've been hurting you more by not taking your hands and pushing you away."
Kusang huminto ang mga paa ko sa paghakbang ng marinig ko ang mga pangungusap na iyon mula sa hindi gaanong nakasaradong pintuan ng classroom na nadaan ko. Mula sa siwang ng nakaawang na pinto ay nakita ko ang dalawang nilalang na masinsinang nag-uusap. Isang matamis na ngiti ang umalpas sa mga labi ko habang pinagmamasdan silang dalawa. The girl is truly looked astounded yet happiness beams her eyes. Nakatalikod naman ang binatang kausap nya sa akin pero base sa pagkaka-kuyom nya ng mga kamay, alam kong tinipon nya ang lahat ng lakas ng loob nya para lang aminin ang nararamdaman.
"I'm not too late right?" He asked and the girl answered with a nod and they both embraced each other.
"You're my first love and probably my last. Kahit anong gawin ko kasi hindi ka mawala sa puso't isip ko." Garalgal ang boses na wika ng dalaga na mas lalong nagpahigpit sa pagkakayakap ng binata sa kanya.
Watching them is so cringe yet I can't take away my eyes away from them as if I'm watching a romantic movie.
"It's nice if they will end up happy until the end, right?" Muntik na akong mapatalon sa gulat ng marinig ko ang mahinang bulong na iyon sa gilid ko. I looked beside me and almost gasped upon seeing my dad's daughter. Halos ilang dipa na lang ang layo ng mga labi namin dalawa pero kataka-takang hindi man lang sya lumayo, sa halip ay muli nyang ibinalik ang tingin sa dalawang masayang nag-uusap na tila ba nasa sarili nilang mundo at hindi man lang napapansin ang presensya namin dalawa ng dalaga.
Hindi ko magawang alisin ang tingin sa kanya at pilit nananalangin na sana ay hindi nya naririnig ang malakas na kabog ng dibdib ko sa sobrang kaba. I don't know if she knew who I am but as far as what I've heard from dad, she was never interested to see me and my mom. Kaya nga noong una ay nakaramdam ako ng galit sa kanya dahil sa hayagang pag-ayaw nya sa lahat ng imbitasyon ni Mama sa kanya. Of all people, she is the only person who shouldn't treat my mom like that. But when I heard all the truth, all I have left is to feel sorry for her and got mad at my parents and her mom for deceiving her even though I do understand why they still don't want to tell her the truth.
"Hey." Pukaw nya sa akin na nagpabalik sa akin sa kamalayan.
"Y-yes?" Kabado kong tanong.
"Tingin mo ba magtatagal sila? There are cases that first love doesn't end well. Rare cases lang na nakakatuluyan pa din nila ang first love nila. Just like them." Malungkot nyang wika na tila may ibang tinutukoy na tao. Muli nyang ibinaling ang tingin sakin ngunit sa pagkakataong ito ay mas matagal iyon. Kaya agad akong umiwas ng tingin sa kanya.
"I- I d-don't…I don't know. It's…It's up to their fate." Mahina kong sagot na mas lalong ikinatiim ng tingin nya sa akin.
"I haven't seen you here before. Kapatid ka ba ng mga graduating students?" Tanong nya habang mataman nakatingin sakin na sinagot ko lang ng alanganing tango.
Well, basically you are my sister. Bulong ko sa isip.
"Something like that." If you consider me as your brother then, I think so. Wika ko na sinarili na lamang ang huling pangungusap na hindi mapigilang muling tumingin sa kanya ngunit sa pagkakataong ito ay mas matagal kaysa noong una.
If not because of my bangs and thick glasses hiding my eyes, I won't have the guts to look at her beautiful face. Minsan ko na syang nakita sa mga litratong dala ni dad pero hindi pa sa personal.
"It already ends. Good luck on your confession." She said with a sweet smile on her lips while pointing at the bouquet of forget-me-not flowers that I'm holding.
"I'm guessing that 'that something like that' is the person you like and not a relative. Am I right?" She asked.
Hindi ko nagawang sumagot sa tanong nya dahil sa ngiting sumilay sa mga labi nya. Iyon na yata ang pinaka-matamis na ngiting nakita ko sa tanang buhay ko. I saw her pictures before but she's more beautiful in person with that smile. Kahit na kapansin-pansin ang lungkot sa mga mata nya ay hindi iyon nakabawas sa angkin nyang ganda.
Should I introduce myself? But what if that smile will fade if I tell her who I am?
I sighed in defeat after contemplating with myself. I don't want to ruin her day. She looked at me with a wondering look on her face but the glint of amusement in her eyes didn't fade. Nakaramdam ako ng pagkailang sa paraan nya ng pagtingin sa akin. It feels like my anxiety doubled.
"So, are you going to confess or not? Baka hindi mo na maabutan kung sino man ang maswerteng binibini na pagaalayan mo ng bulaklak na yan." She said with a smile once again but this time, her eyes were not as sad as before. Naging mapanukso ang tingin na ibinabato nya sa akin.
"I…I guess not."
Nawala ang ngiting nakapaskil sa mga labi nya. "Bakit naman? Want me to help you? I'm friends with all of my batch mates. Just name her and I'll help you."
Will you help me get accepted by you as your brother? Bulong ng isip ko na sa hindi ko malaman na dahilan ay hindi magawang tanggapin ng puso ko. My chest tightened just thinking of her accepting me as her brother.
"Were you rejected already?" Pangungulit nya na bakas sa mukha ang pag-aalala.
Umiling ako sa tanong nya.
"Then why?"
I smile sadly and took her hand trying to pray that she wouldn't notice my trembling hands before I handed her the bouquet. "Congratulations on your graduation. Sadly, the person I wanted to give this to, won't accept it anyway so please accept this instead. I don't want this to go to waste." I feel guilty for lying but I don't know how I will give her the gift without telling her who I am. And besides, what I said is somewhat true because she won't really accept it.
"In a normal situation, I won't accept something that is not meant for me. But just like you said, I don't want such beautiful flowers will go to waste. Thank you for the unexpected gift." Nakangiti nyang wika bago inilapit sa ilong ang bulaklak at masuyong inamoy ito.
I feel out of breath just looking at her. She's like a piece of art while holding the flower. Her bob hair is a little messy but she still looks beautiful while inhaling the fragrance of the flowers I gave her.
"T-thank you f-for accepting it too." I hate myself for stuttering but I can't help the nervousness I feel right now.
"If I may ask, how can you be sure that she won't accept this?" Usisa nya na saglit kong ikinatahimik. Malalim na buntong-hininga ang pinakawalan ko bago ko nakuhang sagutin ang tanong nya sa pinakamalapit na katotohanan.
"Because it's from me." Natigilan sya sa sagot ko.
"Anyway, I like it." She looked at me sincerely. "Name."
"Forget me not." Sagot kong tukoy sa bulaklak na hawak nya. To my surprise she giggled that made my heart thump so loud.
"Thank you, Mr. forget me not." She said flashing a sweet smile on those red lips. "This is the best gift I got." Dugtong nya pa na kapansin-pansin ang lungkot na dumaan sa mga mata nya.
I feel guilty once again when I saw the sadness in her eyes. I believe that she won't thank me if she knew who I am. Hindi na rin ako nagtanong pa dahil ayokong mas lumalim pa ang lungkot na nararamdaman nya. Sa halip ay masuyo kong ginulo ang buhok nya na muli nyang ikinatawa ngunit hindi naman ako pinigilan. My heart races once again. Her every reaction fascinates me making me wonder if will she have the same reactions if she knows my identity. Nakaramdam ako ng kakaibang lungkot sa naisip. As if my heart is getting pricked by a thousand needles.
"Marcielle Anne." She softly whispered her name before giving me a warm embrace and left without saying goodbye. She just waved her hand without looking at me. Nanatili lang akong nakatayo sa walang taong pasilyo na iyon hanggang sa hindi ko na makita maski ang likod nya.
And that was our first encounter and the first time I asked myself the meaning of the thumping heartbeats I had, the uneasiness I feel whenever she looks at me, and the scary feelings I have if she will find out my identity.
And lastly, the beginning of Cupid's crazy scheming.