He's not here.
He's not coming.
He's not here.
I don't understand. Panic runs through me. Sei-chan is not here. Today is Tuesday, no? Sei-chan is never not here on a Tuesday. This is the day. The one hour of the week that allows me to keep on living. But the catalyst is not here. Without Sei-chan, this hour is just the same as every other lunch break. Me alone, with nothing, no one.
I think I know why he isn't here though.
It probably has to do with the game. I was so shocked when he asked me to come watch him, I couldn't think of why he would do so. Every possible idea I thought of was immediately shutdown by the thought, that's not something Sei-chan would do. It scared me, not understanding what it was that Sei-chan wanted. It scared me so much that I didn't want to go.
That's a lie.
I probably wouldn't have gone anyway. It's just not something I can do easily; go somewhere just because someone said to. I guess its' a matter of trust. Which sounds silly since going to a basketball game just to watch doesn't really involve trust does it? And if I should trust anyone, it would be Sei-chan, wouldn't it?
Either way, I should have gone to the game. After having a week to think it over, it all makes sense now. It was just another one of Sei-chan's games. I was just unaware that I was playing it. Most likely Sei-chan wanted me to go to the game, hoping it would change my perspective or something. Maybe he thought seeing the sport I had once played might make me want to take it up again. Sei-chan is always like that; messing in other people's business when he shouldn't. The way he doesn't isn't heavy-handed though. I doubt most people would realise they've been coerced by him the whole time. The only reason I know is because I know him so well. And I'm the anomaly that didn't do as he had predicted.
So now I want to apologise. But he's not here. I don't know where to find him, and even if I did it would likely involve going somewhere where other people could see me. I wouldn't want anyone overhearing our conversation. That would be embarrassing.
Yes, I know. Why would I care what other people think? That's not really the case. It's more like I don't want to stand out, or cause problems for anyone else. Even if I didn't cause myself to stand out, I'm sure I would cause some problems for Sei-chan. Maybe his friends would misunderstand, or they would try to talk to me, or something. No, that's not really an option for me. I'm so disgusting.
I spend afternoon classes more awake than normal. Well, I mean, I'm not paying attention but I was looking determinedly into space, rather than nonchalantly like I usually would. Otsubo-san was giving me funny looks the whole time. It pissed me off so much I wanted to ask 'do I have something on my face?', but I decided to hold back. After all, I was a bit preoccupied. I guess thinking over it, I wouldn't want to snap at her. Even though it makes me feel sad and depressed, at the same time I'm grateful to her for sitting beside me this whole time. I wonder how she does it. I bet I make her feel depressed or unwanted as well.
Yeah. I wouldn't want to sit beside me.
I felt really bad. I couldn't sleep at all that night. No matter what I did, there was always something on my mind. Sei-chan, my regrets, my feelings. All this just made me madder, angrier. By morning the next day, I was fuming. No sleep, no concentration, no patience. All the ingredients were there, all that was needed was a trigger. If you need to guess who pulled it, you're a complete disappointment.
I probably looked really angry the whole morning. I bet my eyes were red, black-ringed. Dead. The worst thing is I couldn't even tell you exactly what happened. I was probably asleep, sitting there.
No. No, that's right. That is no excuse. The fact remains that this was something I should never have done.
Like I said, I don't remember exactly what happened. What I do know is that Otsubo-san is crying, and I have a strange feeling of guilt that it is my fault. Then I feel a sting in my fingertips. I still don't completely understand, but I see the stares of the English teacher, the students. My guilt makes me sober, and forces even my wretched, tired soul into action.
"Sorry, Otsubo-san."
I say it too quiet, it makes me angry at myself.
"Umm… are you all right?"
I end up spending the remainder of the period, and probably cutting into the next in a deep and 'meaningful' conversation with the student councillor.
Something, violence is bad, something, something. Yeah, I think that's about right.
And, I know this seems really out of character for me, but I decide that I should apologise to Otsubo-san. I mean, I did say I was grateful to her for sitting beside me the past two years, so I feel like I owe her at least this. I don't really like owing people, so it would make me feel better to get this over and done with.
The remainder of our third period, maths was rather awkward. I sat beside Otsubo-san, but didn't say anything to her. She's the sort of person who focuses a lot in class, so it would probably be best to wait until the end of the period to say anything to her. Well, at least that was my reasoning. It probably came off as really rude, but I didn't really want to interrupt the teacher, and get into further trouble for the day. Maths came to an end, and the class was released for lunch hour.
"Umm… I know this is really belated, but… I'm sorry for what I did."
I bow my head to emphasise my regret. Now that I think about it, I don't know if I've bowed my head to anyone in a long time. There is no one who I have enough respect for. Well except for Sei-chan, but I don't think there has ever been a time when I have bowed my head to him.
I hear the faintest of noises. Then the slightest breeze. The noise comes together, and I hear it. She's laughing. Giggling like a pre-schooler. I give her a strange look. Is this what she does when she is mad? It makes me feel a bit fearful.
"Don't worry about it. If anything, I overreacted," Otsubo-san laughs.
I'm still somewhat confused. Is this the normal reaction of a teenage girl? This is surprising. I thought it would be more like, 'Are you serious? Do you really think that's good enough?'
Okay, maybe not quite like that, but… I expected an angrier reaction than this, I suppose.
"You're not mad?" I ask, somewhat hopeful. After all, I don't completely understand why she isn't mad. Maybe she doesn't get angry easily, or she's just being overly nice for some reason.
"Mmm, I suppose I should be, but… how to say this. You seemed really out of it today, so I don't know if I can blame you," she smiles so innocently.
How? How can she just accept something like that?
It probably means that she accepts the world as it is. I don't think Sei-chan would like her.
It's lunch, I'm probably holding her down anyway. I should just go now. Run away back to my world. I've made up for what I did, and it has been accepted. There's no need to stay now, I'll take my leave and most likely everything will return to normal starting tomorrow.
I guess.
"Once again, I'm sorry," I stand up, prepared to take my exit. It's over. My life can return to normal; her life can return to normal. This will be remembered as nothing but two ships passing in the night.
"Hey, wait up."
I pause around and turn to look back. Otsubo-san is smiling back at me, innocently. What does she want?
"Tell me what's bothering you."
Are you kidding me?
Why would I? Nothing is bothering me. What are you talking about? Yeah, something like that. That's what I should say. But somehow… I don't know why: maybe I feel like I still owe her, but I feel like maybe I should talk to her. To be honest, I guess I'm lonely. I mean, I talk to Sei-chan. Or I did. But only once a week, other than that I barely speak to anyone and don't care to get to know them. I don't because they would never understand, they would never be able to support me the way Sei-chan does. Yet here is someone who at least wants to try, smiling at me, inviting me.
I sit back down, still somewhat unsure of both her, and whatever it is that compelled me to sit.
She keeps smiling, "so, what is it?"
What do I do? I don't want to tell her, but I need to tell her something. This is my excuse for what I did to her, so she deserves an explanation of exactly what 'it' is. I suppose I could tell her in a way that wouldn't expose exactly what and who I am talking about. There is no way I can mention Sei-chan's name, after all he's the Student Council President, everyone knows who he is. And there is no way he would want me to talk about this.
"Umm… so I have this friend…"
Otsubo-san's eyebrows shoot up. Oh great. Is she surprised that I'm talking to her, or that I have a friend.
"… he's a very… close… person to me, I suppose; and I did something that he didn't like, and I'm not sure how I can make it up to him. I guess that's about it."
Otsubo-san sighed. What now?
"What do you mean you're unsure what to do?" Otsubo-san almost looks irritated. An unusual emotion coming from her.
"Why wouldn't you just do the same as you've done for me? You should apologise to him, and I'm sure he will understand."
If it were that simple, do you think I would be talking to you? Tohsaka Seijuro is not the type to accept a mere apology. He will expect something in compensation, or some proof that I'm serious. After all, I don't think he'll ever talk to me again, so I'll have to prove it one way or another.
"He's not exactly as forgiving as you are. If anything he is the complete opposite."
For some reason Otsubo-san looks deeply concerned, "hmm, I see. Well anyway, I'll let you know if I think of anything. But I'm sure you'll work it out yourself."
Huh?
All that and she just leaves? I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. What exactly was I expecting? That she would have the answer to each and every one of my problems? Of course not. That's dumb. Well I suppose that was a waste of time. I have to do it all myself anyway, right?
The problem is what should I be doing? How can I make up to Sei-chan what I did wrong?
After waiting what I judge to be enough time that I won't have to see her on my way out, I stand to leave the class heading for my usual.
That really pissed me off. If I'll 'work it out myself', then what was the point of even talking to me? And who does she think she is, my friend? If I knew what to do I would have done it already by now: I'm not stupid. Now I'm annoyed at myself for thinking that I needed to talk to her to make up for what I had done. How dumb is that? Of course I don't need to. I guess now I'll head to the science classroom and listen to some music to cool down. Can't think straight when I'm like this. I'm not sure what it is I want to think about, but there must be something I'm forgetting. Probably to do with Sei-chan. I hope he shows up. I know he won't show up. Is that a contradiction? Guess so, right?
Listening to my music always calms me down. It clears my head. My breathing slows, my heartbeat fades, my blood cools. I can think now? Sei-chan. What is it I'm missing? There must be something I can do to make up to him. Sei-chan wouldn't accept gifts or anything like that, so there is no point even thinking about something like that. He has no urge for friendship or companionship, so I need a convincing reason to get him to talk to me again. I know he finds talking to me interesting, but his pride would still stop him from using that as an excuse to forgive me. What can I do?
I still don't know. There must be something that I can do. Me who understands him, the real Tohsaka Seijuro, must be able to do something for him that no one else can.
Think, think, think. Spin, spin, spin.
My head, my mind spins and swirls, unable to come up with a definite answer. Something I can do, but no one else can? Isn't part of the reason I never try because such a thing doesn't exist?
And yet here I am, having convinced myself that there is indeed something only I can do. For some weird reason that makes me smile. I still haven't found an answer, but I'm confident that there is one. Sei-chan is always playing a game, and his games are never one sided. That means there must have been something I can do that would have allowed me to win. Of course, that was probably going to the basketball game, but there must be something else I can do to make up for it.
As I said before, Sei-chan isn't the type just to accept an apology, even with a present or something. There will certainly be conditions, or he might just decide to ignore me. That would be the worst thing he could do to me, not that that would stop him.
Afternoon classes on a hot day are the worst, don't you agree? Especially when it's a hot day in the middle of autumn and your completely unused to the temperature. Or maybe I'm unused to it because of my shut-in lifestyle. The temperature is so warm, stuck in a classroom of teenagers, with the sun falling on them. Disgusting. I just want this day to end, the heat makes me feel like dying. But that's not even the worst part. Almost the whole day has gone by and I still don't know what I should do about Sei-chan. If I don't think of anything, I will just have to submit to whatever he wants me to do.
I can't think. It's too hot. I guess I'll just have to give up. On trying to work out what Sei-chan wants, I mean. I know I said that I know him the best, but I'm still not entirely sure what he wants. Well, I know what he wants in the long term, but he never talks about the present too often. He's always thinking in terms of the future; I suppose would be one way to put it. And that means that I will never be able to work out what it is that he wants now, if anything.
So if there is nothing I can do to appease him, I guess I will just have to ask him what I can do, and suffer the consequences of my failures. Now the problem is finding Sei-chan, not that that will prove to be much of a challenge. After school today he will have basketball practice. Sei-chan will ask to be excused from class early, as he is in charge of setting up the club's activities as both captain and coach, and the upcoming match is an important one so he will want to make the most of the team's practice time.
My last period class was cooking, or food technology if you want to make it sound like an actual subject. I couldn't tell you what happened in class today. After all, I wasn't there. I didn't really think this through, and found it surprisingly hard to skive off class while still remaining on school grounds. It was harder than I had expected. I needed to find someplace where I wouldn't be found, and I could see both entrances to the gymnasium. Fortunately, my time as a loner became of some use for once. Before Takeda-sensei allowed me to use my current lunchtime residence, I spent plenty of time finding isolated spots throughout the school. One of these spots allows me to sit where I cannot be seen from the main block, unless you were perhaps on the roof, and I can see one entrance to the gym and have a rather clear view of the other. This spot will be perfect for waiting. Now the only thing left to do is pass the time. Listening to music is probably the only thing I can do, I suppose. This will probably take three-quarters of an hour at a guess. My phone tells me the time now is 3:46pm. School ends at 4:30pm, so Sei-chan will probably leave class ten minutes before that. Most likely his class is in the main block, so I will have plenty of time to see him walk from the main block to the gym entrance. I'm still not entirely sure what I am going to say to him, but I will make sure he listens to the whole thing.
What am I doing?
That… that is a very good question. Even I am starting to have doubts about this one. Now that I think about it, I probably could have gotten something to eat, then come back here and catch Sei-chan after his basketball practice ends. Hmm, Sei-chan would be disappointed. But, I can't do anything else now. I can't go back to class, and I can't go home, and if I left to get something to eat now, I would certainly miss Sei-chan and trying to get back into the school may be troublesome. Leaving class on the same day that I lashed out at Otsubo-san probably wasn't a great idea either. I've really screwed up.
The time is 4:03pm.
Contrary to what you probably think of me, I actually attend class as regularly as possible. Yes, I understand the irony of mentioning that while I'm bunking class. Anyway, the point is that I'm making a big deal out of this because it's not normal for me. Get that now? Just so you know, the only real reason I attend class is so that my parents don't kick me out of our house. I can imagine them doing that. Oh, also it would be hard to meet up with Sei-chan if I wasn't at school.
The time is 4:09pm.
Woah, that was close. I must be tired, almost mistaking a teacher for Sei-chan. I mean, he's 5"4, there's no way I would confuse him with an adult of average height normally. Either way, that was a close call. If that teacher had spotted me, I would be done for. Even if it was Takeda-sensei.
The time is 4:13pm.
A teenage boy, short of stature, perfect posture, efficient walking pace, and an aura of superiority that could be felt even from a great distance, stepped out into the paved area outside the main block. With no noticeable change in tempo or speed, he directed himself towards the main entrance to the gymnasium.
This is it! The moment I have spent some thirty minutes or so waiting for. I guess I'll be able to tell you shortly whether it was worth all the trouble. But, if I hadn't done this then maybe I will lose something important. I'm not sure if Sei-chan is important, or what he represents to me is important, but it has felt like something has been missing since he didn't show up for lunch yesterday, and I don't want to feel like this. I suppose that's how it is. Or something similar.
"Sei-chan! Wait up, I… I need to talk to you."
I'm looking down, panting. It would seem Sei-chan walks faster than I had anticipated, and it became necessary to near sprint over to him. I don't think I've had to move at such a fast speed for many years. Probably since I quit basketball. Even this short distance pains me, because of my lacking physical exertion.
"What's this? You've managed to surprise me: it seems I overestimated your intelligence, Yasuraoka-san."
I look up into Sei-chan's eyes. Scary.
He looks down at me, almost menacingly, glaring as I defy what he probably had calculated as a done deal. I doubt he would ever have expected me to show up like this, doing what I'm doing. He probably already understands exactly what I'm here to do, and is already calculating some way to get rid of me.
"Sei-chan..." I exhale heavily once again, "knowing what you are like, you probably never wanted me to talk to you again. I'm not that dumb, I understand that but… you've always been trying to pressure me slightly into changing myself. I get that. You wanted me to change, and you gave up on me."
I can breathe normally now, everything is back to normal. Sei-chan is looking up at me emotionless as usual, no one, including me, can ever tell what thoughts go on behind those vivid green eyes. It's hard to tell if he is even listening sincerely, or just waiting for an opportunity to blow me off.
"Not going to the basketball game was the last straw wasn't it? I think I already knew that somewhere in my head, but I still didn't go. But… after you didn't come to the classroom at lunch, I realised something. I'm not sure if its' you, or the time we spent there, or what you are to me, or maybe even a mix of all those, but clearly it meant something to me because…"
Oh great. I'm about to cry. He's probably thinking the exact same thing, 'oh great, she's about to cry'. I really am about to though. I can feel heavy, heavy drops welling up in my eyes. The last time I cried seriously isn't even something I can remember, so this must be something important to me. I'm glad now that I made the decision to do this, even if I get completely and utterly ignored.
"… because I missed it."
Sob.
"Everything just felt so empty without you there."
Sob.
"That's why I don't ever want to be separate from you again. I'll do anything, anything you want me to because I've finally found something I care about, and you're at least a part of it."
Well, I lasted as long as I could.
Tears stream down my face, rolling up the bridge of my nose and falling down to the ground. I don't think I have let anyone see me like this ever, especially not Sei-chan. I can imagine he would see this as weakness, unworthiness or something like that. Yeah, he would. That means this was all a mistake, Sei-chan will burn me, and leave me for dead. I realised that very soon after I met him, but it didn't stop me from wanting to be beside him week after week.
I suppose this is the end then. Of our strange, unique relationship. Sei-chan would probably say something like 'looking forward to the future is more important than looking back to the past', or so. If this is it I suppose I should apologise to Sei-chan. Even though I was the only one who understood even some parts of what he is really like, I failed, I was unable to live to his expectations, high as they are. Even though-
"Come to the basketball game."
"Huh?"
"We have another game on Friday," Sei-chan looks somewhat confused, or no not confused. It's hard to describe exactly what emotion is on his face. I guess he doesn't completely understand what he wants to do, maybe. Maybe it looks weird because I've never seen Sei-chan unsure of himself before. It makes me confused.
"If you come to the game I'll consider it."
I'm somewhat speechless. I think I'm still crying, although I don't know if it is happiness or sadness. What is this feeling in my chest. Relief? Confusion? Happiness?